Facebook For Parents

Dear readers,

I know I know I haven't written forever! But believe me, I had an iron-clad reason not to...you see, working as a Software Engineer has sapped all my creative juices. My activities have been reduced to:

• Stalking people I hate on Facebook
• "Upvoting" answers on Quora
• Ignoring Google+ notifications

That takes up most of my working day. In between, I compile my useless code which, believe me, hardly ever works. But it serves the purpose of taking up enough time for me to go and ping a friend something like "Can you believe - what she was wearing/who she was snogging- on Facebook?".

Quite a few family members of mine are on Facebook. Not very active apart from the occasional wall post on their own walls(really) and mentioning my embarrassing pet name publicly to the delight of my evil friends(seriously). You know where they are really active, though? Matrimonial sites. Yeah, I had the distinct pleasure of gawking, spluttering and hyperventilating in office when I discovered my own profile on one such site. Very loudly, let me add.

With a choice between a sheep, a monkey and a variety of pictures with drinks and food and cartoon characters from my Facebook profile pictures album, they smartly opted for some picture of me in a Saree where I looked pained while flashing a fake smile. A million other invasive details such as horoscopes, star signs, caste and stool samples follow. I stumbled upon the "Personalized Messages" section and that's when I was convinced that I was in the darkest corners of the Internet.

By the end of the ordeal, I was experiencing a weird emotion where the urge to kill someone was greater than the urge to make funny about-to-cry faces. Okay not that weird, considering I have had this feeling a million times before. I am wondering if I should ask my parents to change my occupation to "Potential Serial Killer".

Shoppers, Stop!

On Sunday evening, my mother came up with the oft suggested mother-daughter activity of (her) choice: Shopping. While I have more tolerance than my father/brother for such activity, I still prefer not to indulge in it. However, I relented and gave in. Because she is my mom and I love her. And because she bribed me with food. Mostly the first reason though.

But before that we had to buy a packet of milk because the milkman had some personal vendetta against my mother and he never put milk for us. I know...first world problems!

Anyway, we buy the milk packet and then we head into Shoppers' Stop. After perusing through the clothes at different speeds - me, at a super human speed eliminating almost all of them with a single glance, and my mother, stopping to admire each and every thread on each and every bead on each and every garment - I declared that I didn't like any of them.

While my mother and I were bickering, one of the attendants started approaching us. Immediately, my mother ran off at lightning speed. I was, to say the least, perplexed. The guy had just wanted us to sign a membership form! After I put a fake number on the card, I ran over to my mother who was hiding behind some handbag stand.

Me:           Amma, what happened? Why did you just run off like that!
Amma:     I thought he was going to catch us.
Me:           What? Why? Why would he catch us?
Amma:    No, I thought he saw the bag in your hand and thought the milk packet was a bomb.
Me:           .....soooooo you were going to leave me to get caught by these guys and run away?
Amma:    Haha I know!
Me:           ....carrying the milk that YOU bought? Seriously?
Amma:    Hey I gave birth to you. You cannot do this much for me? Vaaya moodu (shut up)!

Mom Calling

Phone rings.

Me: Hello amma...
Amma(talking to my brother): Aaan, thirrpi pizza order pannanamaa? (Oh, you want to order pizza again?)
Me: Hellooo hellooo amma!
Amma(still talking to him): Poda pichchu pichchu poduven...pizza-kuzza chi!!! (Get lost I will tear tear and throw you....pizzaa-schmizza yuck!!!)
Me: AMMMAAA!
Amma: Ennadi (What)? I am not deaf. Why are you shouting?
Me: Because you only wer.....gah, never mind!
Amma: Aaan. You had dinner?
Me:  Yeah I had.
Amma: What you had?
Me: Pav Bhaji at home / Out with friends.
Amma: Yesterday also you had that only, no? / How many times you go out?
Me: Yeah...leftovers. / Not much Amma!
Amma: Better you go out and eat. / Why you have a kitchen? Cook and eat at home!
Me: Mmmm.
Amma: You know Sarika?
Me: Eh? Who Sarika?
Amma: Arey! SARIKA!
Me: Shouting the name isn't helping, Amma! Who is she?
Amma: Appa's cousin sister's sister-in-law's daughter! You met her last summer, remember?
Me(Thinking thinking thinking...who the hell is this Sarika? ARGH play it cool...just say you know her): Oooh yeah heerrrr.
Amma: Podi, I know you don't remember! After few years, when I come to your house you will not remember me also! Then will you ask me "Who are you?", huh?
Me: Come on Amma...there's a very small chance of that happening!
Amma: Small chance aa? Adi paavi(you sinner)...anyways, about Sarika...you keep distracting me...
Me: Me? Ok whatever...tell.
Amma: Sarika just got engaged last week.
Me(entering dangerous waters. Must. Tread. Carefully): Mmmm.
Amma: She is your age...
Me(she is laying the trap. Do. Not. Fall. For. It): Mmmm.
Amma: What 'Mmmm'. You keep saying that only all the time.
Me: Mmmm.
Amma: Podi. She is getting married soon.
Me: Oh good for her.
Amma: Yeah. IT IS GOOD FOR HER.
Me: Yeah very good. I am so jealous of her.

Shit shit shit what have I done! Sarcasm with Mother India...BAD IDEA! ABORT ABORT!

Amma: Jealous? You are jealous? YOU are jealous? I don't know you or what...one day you HAVE to get married, okay? Jealous it seems. Let ME tell you something. When I was....

And it goes on and on for five whole minutes.


Amma: ...so don't think too much of yourself, okay?
Me: Mmmm.
Amma: Started 'Mmmm again'. I don't know why I call you. Keep the phone!
Me: Ok bye Am...

----CUT----

Repeat ad infinitum!

What We Say, What Parents Hear

In case, my parents are reading this: Love you :) :P

1. I am going out with my friends.
   And by friends, of course I mean, lots of boys. So please keep calling every ten minutes.
   
2. There's this guy in my office.
   And the fact that I disclosed the gender, obviously means I am going to marry him very soon. Oh and he isn't even TamBrahm. How's that for rubbing it in, huh?
   
3. Today was such a bad day at office. I just want to stop working.
   Take. Horoscope. Now!
   
4. I'm feeling quite hungry.
   Means I did not have breakfast, lunch and dinner.Don't even think about the most logical reason: I have the appetite of a woolly mammoth. No way, Jose!
   
5. How is she pregnant so soon? She got married less than a year back!
   Don't mistake this as a rhetorical question. I really want to hear you say "You're too small to know such things" to your 22-year old daughter!
   
   
6. I was just watching a scary movie. But it wasn't scary at all.
   Although secretly it was. So scary that now I want you to tell me to pray to God, put Vibhuthi on my forehead, drink warm milk before sleeping and keep chanting Ram Ram.
   
   
7. I got my salary today.
   And I finished spending all of it today.
   
8. Oh my god, Ranbir Kapoor is so hot!
   Please tell me about how he must have slept with a 1000 girls. Yes, that will change my mind. After all, that is what girls look for when they fantasize about hot guys. Gayness Decency.
   
   
9. Ah I have nothing to do. Just relaxing at home during the weekend.
   
   I feel so lonely. Could you please call everyone you know in my city and tell them I am coming to visit even though it takes me 2 hours to just get there? You already did that? Gee, thanks mom!
   
10. *No answer on the phone*
    I am extremely angry with you. No, I am dying. Oh wait wait, I am dead already!
    
    

Get Married, Get Pregnant, Get a life!

As Sarika was smoothing her hair furiously with both hands at 6 in the morning, her mother started screaming from the other room asking her to hurry up. And what was she doing at 6 in the morning? Going for a family function. Why are these functions always at ungodly hours! And let's not forget that Tamil Brahmins have as many functions as Paris Hilton's boyfriend count.

At the function

All Female Family Members(AFFM): "Aiyyo, look at you...you look SO plain! Why are you wearing such a plain shalwar? Moonji la powder kudi illa(you haven't slathered your face with powder in an attempt to look fair so that guys will notice you)."

S: "Oh thank you...nice to see you too."

AFFM: "Your neck and your hands? Cha cha onnumme illai(it's as bare as Winnie the Pooh). Where is the gold chain that your father bought for you?"

S: "I have no idea. Besides it is not my marriage. And I hate gold."

AFFM: *GASP*"How can you hate gold being a Tamilian ponnu? And you have to get married in one year...you should start collecting gold now!"

S: "Collect gold for what? Will the guy I marry be collecting gold for me?"

AFFM: "Ollaradhe(stop talking like the actor Vijay/Salman). You are the girl, you have to collect gold. And one year isn't enough time."

S: "I am NOT getting married in one year. I have just started working. I need to work atleast for 3 years. There's so much I have to do."

AFFM: *cue gasp again*"Wha...? That means you will be 25. THEN only you'll marry? Enna nee paati aayitu thaan kalyanum pannipaiya(you be too old, bitch)? All Tamil Brahmin, IIT-IIM, USA-green-card-holding, non-drinking, non-smoking boys will be taken."

S: "So?"

AFFM: "Enna so? 25 marriage means by the time you have a child you will be 26. Chi chi romba late(do it do it do it now)."

S: *silent but thinking. I will get married at 25. And give birth to a kid at 26. That leaves just 3 months for...*

AFFM: "...and he is so nice. In fact he is right here. You want to meet him? You know he has just finished engineering!"

S: "So have a million other guys. I'll go meeting all of them or what?"

AFFM: *turning a deaf year to Sarika*" See? See that boy standing there? He only. Puddichidha(like him)?"

S: "He looks as straight as a kurkure."

AFFM: "What?"

Note: Any resemblance to characters alive or dead, is purely co-incidental.

Dad+Mom=?

You know how every child is in some way a combination of its parents? And I am not just talking about looks...I am talking about the personality. I guess along with their gene they also pass on their idiosyncrasies. So I was thinking, am I the Z to my parents' X and Y? And after careful analysis, I have come to the conclusion that I am nothing like them. If you are totally jobless then you can keep reading!

-> I am totally careless with money.

I am not spendthrift. There's a difference. I just don't know where my money is. Over the years, I have found money in places unimaginable. Wedged into the CD drive of my laptop, stashed away in small purses that I have millions of but have no idea about their whereabouts, pressed between books long forgotten - I have a knack. Appa, on the other hand, is an ultra-organized person who knows each and every note in his wallet - to the extent that when I once took out a 10 Dirham note from his wallet(with full intention of telling him later, really), he knew it was missing.

-> I do not study much.

Seriously I Don't. Of course, I study right before an exam. But people never believed me in school because of my marks(which were good at that time). Only my friends knew! In college, obviously people knew I didn't study...hostel after all! But my dad was, and still is a huge nerd. He has narrated stories of him studying under the streetlights when the power would go out for hours, coming state first in -some exam, I forgot :P -, studying his elder brother's notes as well as his own notes - I know, right!?! Well he tells these stories with the intention to inspire but I just end up thinking, "Wow...you are such a nerd" :P

-> I cannot cook.

Well I cannot cook well. I mean I know the bare minimum like toast, Maggi, tea and even those turn out to be burnt most of the time. But my parents are awesome at cooking. Amma can whip up a feast in a matter of minutes. And she has tried to teach me but I always dismiss her with an argument about how she wants me to learn cooking just because I am a girl, blah blah blah. Feminist statements FTW!

-> I suck at speaking any language other than English.

I am from Palakkad. So I speak Mallu-sounding Tamizh. Actually, I think it sounds quite okay. But my friends mistake me for a stand-up comedienne whenever I open my mouth and speak Tamizh. And when I speak Hindi, my friends think I sound like the female in this video. On the other hand, my mom speaks English, Tamizh, Hindi, Malayalam, Gujrati, Marathi and Punjabi with relative ease. Appa speaks English, Tamizh, Malayalam and limited Hindi(after every word he adds a 'Yaar'/'Bhai' which he pronounces as 'Bai').

A post longer than this is guaranteed boredom, so those of you who are still reading this line, thank you :)

Not-so-family Movies

The following situation would have occured to you atleast once: A chartbuster song starts flashing on Channel V/ M TV/ VH1. And as all videos nowadays have, how do I put this, bootylicious babes dressed in handkerchiefs. But hey, it's the song I want, not the girls. And then, louder than the song I hear something else. Footsteps..Parents Alert. Hurriedly, I reach for the remote and change the channel to something more appropriate. Atleast, with the TV, you've the option of changing channels...imagine sitting in a theatre, next to your parents, watching the same video, magnified gazillion times and all you can do is sheepishly look away. So I have painstakingly compiled a list of movies that put me through the above torture.


Side note before I begin: I didn't want to just start writing about the movie. I wanted to put up a picture of the movie first and THEN start writing about the movie. But my laptop is super slow. So I cannot even upload one microscopic thumbnail without my laptop seizing up. Oh yes you can ask me why we haven't got it looked at yet. My dad's response for that is "You're a computer engineer...you should know what is wrong with it!". Pfft...as if.

Chronologically ordered:

-> Titanic(1997)

I was born on a nice, rainy Thursday in the fine year of 1989. Which means I was in 4th grade when I went to watch Titanic(atleast I think I was). With my dear parents. And as much as I love them, which is a lot, I have to admit that they have the most annoying habit of staring at me(or my brother) when something uncomfortable comes on screen. So why I ask you, Rose...why did you have to lie naked with just the stupid blue rock on? Why did you have to do "stuff" in the misty misty car? I hate you, and I wish you had drowned instead of Jack. Ooooh Jack :D

-> Munnabhai M.B.B.S.(2003) - the one I bought from a dealer of pirated CDs

Confused? We got this CD...alright alright, the pirated copy. And so we are all laughing after the first half of the movie thinking, "Wow, this is wholesome entertainment for the entire family" and we put in the next CD. And it's not Munnabhai M.B.B.S. It is American Pie. And there are these female "cops" with all kinds of contraptions. Yeah, that was pretty disturbing.

-> Aitraaz(2004)

Akshay Kumar and Priyanka Chopra just had to get it on wherever and whenever they wanted to. And her dialogues have haunted me ever since. Yes it was pretty weird to have your mom watching you out of the corner of her eye while you are watching your mom out of the corner of your eye. Complex.

-> Salaam Namaste(2005)

Sometimes I dig my own grave. Guess who suggested we should go out as a family and watch this movie? Yes, it is me, the one and only. They're in a living relationship. I should have guessed before that there would be...umm...boinking! Although the highlight was when Preity was preggers and my brother asked me why her stomach was so big. I gracefully exchanged seats with him and switched him over to my mom.

-> Kambhakt Ishq(2009)

I loved Pammal K Sambandham. Not as much as Panchathanthiram or Chachi 420, but it still had pockets of humour. However, Kambhakt Ishq was just painful to watch. First, can someone explain to me how Kareena has the time to moonlight as a model when she is a med student? Second, Akshay Kumar. Third(yes my second point was just two words), the swimsuit scene, the songs, the skimpy outfits and the general eating-face scenes were plain annoying.

-> Saath Khoon Maaf(2011)

Yeah it is disturbing alright. Especially when you are sitting next to your mom and watching the movie. Priyanka Chopra should seriously kill herself for putting me through that torture.

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

Well, not right now but exactly one week from now, my father would be accusing us of delay. See, this is how it works in our family.

while(journey)
{
switch(time)
{
case 9:00 A.M.:
Appa: We should leave at 8:30 P.M., maximum. Train is at 10:00 P.M.
All: Ok.

case 3:00 P.M.:
Appa: We should leave at 9:00 P.M., maximum. Train is at 10:00 P.M.
All: Ok.

case 6:00 P.M.:
Appa: We should leave at 9:15 P.M., maximum. Train is at 10:00 P.M.
All: Ok.

case 9:30 P.M.:
We actually leave home.

case 9:59 P.M.:
All: Yay! We made it.
Appa: Reeeeally...you people...next time, I'm telling youuuu...
}
}

So hell(NIT Trichy) beckons and I must be there no later than 12th. Yeah, bull. I'm gonna be there on 18th. I seriously don't want to go back this time. I mean, usually at the end of other vacations I say the same thing. But this time is different. This time, I really don't want to go back. See how I put 'really' in bold?

I'm most comfortable at home. At home, I'm an annoying, irritating, over-confident, loud-mouthed know-it-all. At college, I'm nothing like that. Maybe annoying and irritating. But everything else goes down the drain. I know it seems like I adhere perfectly to the character sketch even in college, but seriously, I'm nothing like that. This semester is going to be the worst yet. I'm absolutely 100% sure that my self-confidence level is going to be on the negative side.

I've observed that there are two kinds of people:

• Chilled out-> I love these people. They're genuinely chilled out and they don't give a shit. How amazing is that!

• Freaked out-> I love these people. They're genuinely freaked out and they are open about it. How amazing is that!

Then, there's the third kind.

• Chilled out on the outside, freaked out on the inside-> I hate these people. They act like they've got their shit together. But one day, their pent-up frustrations give way to the freaked out persona.

I'm the third kind. And believe me, next semester is going to be full of mood fluctuations. Oh Genie, I just want one wish from you. I wish I could stay home :(

The Big Fat (South) Indian Wedding - Part II

So we're finally here. In the village(unlike the Shyamalan movie, this one is a bit less interesting, which doesn't say a lot about it). We manage to get 4 autos and fit 20+ people into them. To sum this ride up in one word, the word is: PAINFUL. I do NOT wish to expand on that *shudder* word.

Yay! We've reached. My brother gets scoldings in very clever ways devised by my mother. Check this out:

• Wow! I don't need to iron my sari because you've done it by sitting on my lap!!
  

This statement means: "My sari has so many freaking creases someone might as well use it as a rag!!".

Man, the moment you enter the hall you're seeing yellow everywhere. That's because of the excessive gold ornaments. Not only that. Every female family member starts comparing by weight the jewellery. It's a horrifying experience. What's worse, I've absolutely NO interest(see how I put "no" in caps!?!) in such crap. But all the EDMs want to see something dangling on my neck because "I'm a girl", so I gotta.

Numerous sub-functions take place in the marriage. Something where the groom goes out of the hall and the bride's father needs to bring him back and convince him about the "pleasures" of married life, hope you catch my drift ;) And one where the bride and groom sit on a swing and all the EDMs sing songs. But all said and done, I do enjoy all this stuff. It's nice and mushy :)
A typical south indian marriage has a lot of delicacies to offer. I love the vadas(the Indian Doughnut, if you will!), puli inji(Tamarind and Ginger and Chillies in a gooey, spicy liquid), payasam(sweet). But that's about it. The rest of the stuff isn't really appealing to my taste buds. But it's "not manners" to leave food on the leaf, so I gotta eat everything. I've got a policy about food I don't like to eat. I'll eat it, BUT it'll be the first thing I eat. I finish it off at the earliest because I don't want to see it sitting on my banana leaf menancingly. This is where my dad comes in. He's got a policy about food I don't like to eat. He knows I don't like it, SO I've got to have it atleast twice. So by the time I finish one serving of avial(any vegetable you find in the kitchen, throw it in some coconut milk and *ta-dah*) I've got another waiting on my leaf. Ah, the joy.

There's this particular sub-function I would like to mention called nalungu. After all the smiling and marrying that the bride and groom have to do, it's time for fun and games. Now, there is this one game where a ring is thrown into an urn containing milk. Both bride and groom put their hands into it and the one who finds the ring wins. Now, it's amazing that almost every time the bride finds it first and, get this, she lets the groom win. Why!?! Why would anyone do that! Because they want their husband-of-few-hours to win, showing that they're a subservient Indian woman. Sheesh! Everyone present at the function now sings songs, and it turns into a competitive antakshari(Indian musical game) between the bride's side and the groom's side, showing that though both families have spent time and money on an event that will make us one big family, we still want to kick each other's ass when it comes to singing songs from forgettable movies.

Finally the marriage has come to an end. The bride and groom go off happily with the various gifts that they've received. And the other families go off happily thinking about who's gonna get married next and when the whole family can get together again. Hmmm...maybe I like marriages after all :)

The Big Fat (South) Indian Wedding - Part 1

I hate attending Marriages- no really, hear me out! Every time my dad opens up an envelope that's got kumkumam(not the "very" educative weekly magazine, mind you - I'm talking about the red powder that signifies unavailability/marital status of a woman) and the Indian God of Prosperity on the rich creamy white background, I, for a moment, am blinded by the very thought of the garish outfits and gravity-defying jewellery adorned by paatis, maamis, perimmas, cousins. Not to mention the thought of my mom and other perimmas, paatis...(refer above) holding out heavy ornaments and chanting "JOIN USSSSS...". That seriously is straight out of a scene out of an alien invasion movie or something!


Anyhoo, this time it was my cousin X's wedding. Now, to get to the "town"(when I say town, I mean village) where she was to get married, we had to travel in an unbelievably stinky, slow train, which I love as much as the next guy, really.
Now as you know, in a train there's the lower berth, middle berth and upper berth. Along with this you have the side lower and side upper. My personal favourite is the side lower, for the obvious reason that I can orient myself in two directions. The lower berth is okay because that way I'm closer to my luggage. You see, stories of train thefts have freaked me out to such an extent that I cannot bear the thought of tearing my eyes away from my luggage. I usually prefer to get one of the above mentioned berths and not the complement of this set.
Considering we were travelling in a pack, this is how the berths are divided(for the sake of simplicity, most male and female family members shall be referred to as "Maama" and "Maami"):

EDM(Extremely Dominating Maami): Aiyyo(Uh-oh), ennaku(for me) back pain irruku(is there). Ennaku(for me) lower berth thaan(only) venum(want)!

ARM(America Return Maama - went for bout 6 months to visit his "look Indian but act American" kids): Oh very hot la(isn't it)? AC-la(in) book panneerkalam-o(should have booked-o)?(all this including the tamil words with a put-on accent!).

I always wonder about these put-on accents. Many thoughts regarding these wander in my mind in a nomadic manner when ARMs are talking to me.

• Firstly, how do they develop these accents? I mean they've stayed in India all their life and then in a matter of years, nay, months, they are, how do I put this, "American-ized"!
• Secondly, they name random places to show that they've "Been There, Done That". For the love of God!

So between all the EDMs and ARMs all the good berths are taken, and the kozhanthaigal(children) are left with the crappy ones. Again among the children there's the tedious process of assignment of berths. With respect to age and all that, the older children get to select the berths they want. Being the second youngest in the family, the worst one usually comes to me - like a side upper. Damn, I wish my parents had planned my date of birth better!

Travelling is usually the time I catch up on my reading. Reading is considered a "boring" habit by my other cousins, bless their ignorance. This is the time they catch up on playing cards. I personally have nothing against card games, but I have the worst memory ever! So if I ever play with them, they need to explain the game before I join in(which has lead to me being called "Ass" while playing, whaddya know, Ass). Funny thing is, I usually end up winning at the end :D(which has lead to me being called "Bluff" too ;) ).

Time to eat. Now I'm expecting to buy at least three of the, oh I don't know, how many ever Lays flavours that exist. But Noooooo....EDMs have pre-planned and brought along puliogarai(tamarind rice), thair sadam(curd rice) and even naarthangai(extremely sour pickle whose ingredients I've no idea about). Right about now, my expression is one of disgust.

Me: But amma, I HATE curd rice!

Amma: Okay, just have the -

ERM(cuts in): Ennadu(What)? Ponnu-aa(girl) irundhundu(being) stubborn-a irrukai(you are)?

I do not understand how gender has anything to do with food preferences, but that's how it is at home. At this point I'm like "Fine...Whatever" and I take the curd rice in a banana leaf, pretend to eat it for a while, and then finally just eat it. Ewwww infinity.

Finally, night falls. Gonna take another 6 hours at least to reach, without including the delay, that is. I climb onto my side upper berth and descend into a disturbed sleep. Oh god, I'm so tired and this is just the beginning!