What You Can't Put In Your C.V.

1) Karaoke Enthusiast when intoxicated

• Can sing along to Gangnam Style
• Can back it up with dance moves

2) Practising Linguist

• Again, can sing along to Gangnam Style
• Can spew filthy curse words in English, Tamil, Malayalam, Kannada, Hindi and Arabic 

3) Giggle Juice Connoisseur

• Holds record for most LIITs consumed ever

4) Major in Lazing/Sleeping with a Minor in Daydreaming

• Can drift off in all settings including important meetings
• Receiver of Bravery Award for killing cockroach swarm(in dreams)

5) Awarded for living the most boring life ever

• Survived weekend marathon of Keeping Up with the Kardashians without suffering brain hemorrhage
• Can write stupid pointless posts like this

Please hire me somebody.

P.S.: Yes I wrote this in sheer desperation to resuscitate my blog.
P.P.S.: Did the resuscitation work? Leave me a comment to let me know.
P.P.P.S.: Writing some many Ps makes me want to Pee.

Bitchin' In The Kitchen

For the past year or so, I have been living it up in Bangalore. Oh yeah...I have done some crazy shit. In fact, just the other day I had my curd rice with a side of cough syrup while bundled up in a blanket watching Sex and The City. I know. Naughty.

My bachelorette pad is the shizz. Just a stone's throw away from ten hep places serving dosas to auto guys. But enough about that. The reason I am writing this post is because I wanted to share something with you guys(Hello? Anyone?). It's a little bit of an embarrassing thing to admit but...ah hell, I am just gonna come out with it. I am a bit of a domestic Goddess. Booyah.

You see the symbol on the right? You think it's people in trouble calling Batman, right? WRONG BIATCH! It's actually people who flipped their dosas wrong and now they look inedible. Domestic Goddess got swag.

Enough about me though. I have been receiving a few questions as to how I maintain my general domestic awesomeness and as I love helping people I decided to answer their questions. Let's go!


I just wanted to know what I can do to salvage this curry I made. It's a little bl-

So simple. Just chuck in a pound of masalas. Whatever you have in the kitchen. Everything tastes better with a little brick powder in it.

Hey domestic goddess, my room is messy and I wanted tips on cleaning out the clutter because my mo-

Too many words. It's so simple, honey. Just take all the stuff that's lying around on your bed and throw it into the cupboard. No one is going to look there anyway. DUH.

We have a red ant problem and I don't know what to-

Tch tch not to worry. Just do as I say. Take some sugar and leave a trail leading up to your roommate's room. She will have the ants all to herself and you will have peace.

That's all we have for now folks. Send in your queries and some cookies and I'll think about answering them. Toodles, my water is burning.

Shoppers, Stop!

On Sunday evening, my mother came up with the oft suggested mother-daughter activity of (her) choice: Shopping. While I have more tolerance than my father/brother for such activity, I still prefer not to indulge in it. However, I relented and gave in. Because she is my mom and I love her. And because she bribed me with food. Mostly the first reason though.

But before that we had to buy a packet of milk because the milkman had some personal vendetta against my mother and he never put milk for us. I know...first world problems!

Anyway, we buy the milk packet and then we head into Shoppers' Stop. After perusing through the clothes at different speeds - me, at a super human speed eliminating almost all of them with a single glance, and my mother, stopping to admire each and every thread on each and every bead on each and every garment - I declared that I didn't like any of them.

While my mother and I were bickering, one of the attendants started approaching us. Immediately, my mother ran off at lightning speed. I was, to say the least, perplexed. The guy had just wanted us to sign a membership form! After I put a fake number on the card, I ran over to my mother who was hiding behind some handbag stand.

Me:           Amma, what happened? Why did you just run off like that!
Amma:     I thought he was going to catch us.
Me:           What? Why? Why would he catch us?
Amma:    No, I thought he saw the bag in your hand and thought the milk packet was a bomb.
Me:           .....soooooo you were going to leave me to get caught by these guys and run away?
Amma:    Haha I know!
Me:           ....carrying the milk that YOU bought? Seriously?
Amma:    Hey I gave birth to you. You cannot do this much for me? Vaaya moodu (shut up)!

Mission Impossible V - The IPL story

Mission: Get on TV during IPL match

Tools needed:

1) Tickets for CSK vs RCB. Check.
2) Dent in bank account. To be specific, a Rs. 1375 dent for the "Bagpiper special view". Check.
3) Hot friend(more probability of getting the camera to land on us). Check.
4) Weird props for cheerleading. Well, not really but hoping to grab some props from other spectators when they aren't looking. Check.

Preparation for the mission:
1) Tell everyone in office, including the China headquarters that I am going for the match. Check.
2) Dilly dally at work(in anticipation of the match, of course). Check.
3) Leave office at 4. Cash....I mean, Check.

Ideas that we flirted with:
1) Sit in a stand dominated by RCB supporters wearing red, while we wear yellow and support CSK. Smells like a death wish.
2) Hope for Gayle to smash a 6 so that one of us gets hit by the ball and we get admitted to the hospital. And then Gayle, along with the rest of the players come to visit us. Irrational much?
3) Get hot friend to gyrate sexily so that the spy cam spots us. Well, no luck there.

What really happened:
1) Cheering for CSK did not work. The RCB supporters started throwing their cheerleading props at us.
2) 1375? You would expect a nice seat. Well, the joke's on you. They were plastic Nilkamal chairs that creaked and groaned when you sat on them. I think it's because the rain weakened the molecular integrity of those chairs. Hmmm.
3) The match kept getting delayed. At about 10, we realized the match wouldn't happen since it was 2 hours behind schedule. So we trampled on many RCB fans' toes(the highlight of the evening) and managed to get out of the stadium.

The moment we were outside, the stadium erupted with noise and when we looked up we saw a little boy waving an RCB flag and calling everyone back. Naturally, being in the same stadium as 50,000 other people, you form a bond of mutual trust with them. So we ran back in.
At 10:45, the match got cancelled due to rain.

If you thought Mission Impossible IV was a flop, you thought wrong buddy.

Love Guru

Hello dear readers!

Yes yes, I am very much alive, unlike this blog. I was just having a rough couple of days. Deadlines
whooshing by and work stagnating in a half-baked state...not a good turn of events, my friend. Now that
I have realized work is never going to progress, I decided to pour my feelings out on this entertaining
(ahem) page. So, what am I going to be jabbering about today? Ah yes...single-dom and the makings of a
love guru.

I am a single lady. I would like to think it's because I am too 'independent' and 'strong' to be tied
down to some one. But basically it's because I have foot-in-the-mouth AND food-in-the-mouth
syndrome. However, let me clarify that I am not one of those 'Why doesn't he love me!?! I am forever
ALONE!' types. I genuinely have no interest in such shenanigans.

What's interesting is that even though I have never actually been in a relationship, people seem to look
up to me for advice. And I have no idea why. Apparently I give good advice and though it might not look
the case, I do keep my mouth zipped.

So how does one become a love guru?

•     No prior relationships:
  It's just like being a professor in my college...no prior experience and no knowledge about the subject whatsoever. Helps get an untainted perspective.

•     Bucket loads of patience:
  Seriously. Bucket loads. Buckets that can hold the tears shed by all the women in all Ekta Kapoor soaps. Because lets face it...people who are in relationships are stupid and unless you spell out everything for them a gazillion times, they're never going to understand.

•     A sympathetic ear:
  Breakups are inevitable. And once that happens, you will have to sit through a recap of their love story, what went wrong, who was wrong(obviously, the guy) and how the other person was the love of their life(do not point out that they went out for just 2 weeks). Even carbon dating will fall short while determining how long this saga will take.

•     The 'Awww' hormone: 
  Extremely important. He sent you a rose for Valentine's Day? Awww. He started watching Gossip Girls for you(of course, he's not watching it for Blake Lively's legs)? Awww. He said you looked like a Queen(although Queen Elizabeth is as old as a fossil)? Awww. See what I mean?

Damn...if only I got paid for my troubles.
       

Bananas, Dosas and Mallikas

I have a few points that don't merit a post by themselves, so I thought I'd put them all together. Also, I wanted to give my readers something to read. Fine fine, you caught me...I wanted to update the blog so I posted this. Now run along and read. Or better yet, read and then promote my blog y'all ;)

• Yesterday when I was in office at around 7:30 P.M.(still), I coughed. You should know that when I cough, Rajnikanth closes his ears.
  Anyway, I rushed home as fast as I could. I wanted to hit the sack as soon as possible(after eating Maggi and watching half a season of Dexter, that is). And guess what I see right next to my building?
  A cultural program(that's not so bad), where people were singing(the fuck...that guy just raped Rahman's song!) and cheap guys were standing all around(I am not even hot, what the hell is wrong with you!).
  Well, being the optimist that I am I just plugged in the earphones and watched Dexter hack a guy to death with a mallet. Ah peace.
  At about 10:30 P.M., I decided to sleep after drugging myself. I had heard somewhere that sarakku helps during a cold. But then I had weird thoughts like "What if the stuff reacts with the medicines I just took and bursts in the stomach the way Pepsi and Mentos kills people?", so I decided against it.
  There was no noise outside so I assumed the program was over. And that is when a man announced that they would be singing Kalasala Kalasala.
  
  Kalasala Kalasala Kalasala Kalasala
  Oh god no.
  Mallika is cold like a cucumber
  Pillow on face.
  My dear darling, Mallika is calling you
  Am I actually trying dance along with the song by varying my breathing patterns? STOP IT!


• This next point might get me into trouble because a lot of people related to me read this blog. But whatever. So recently I met one US return and you know how I feel about them. I tried being civil though. We went out for some good ol' South Indian breakfast and this person orders a dosa.
  And then you know what this person says? "Like, oh my god, this place is so authentic! Look how the dosa is...so authentic. Wow so messy....and so authentic". Every time that person said the word authentic with that irritating throaty tone, I wanted to wring that person's neck. But like the good girl I am, I kept quiet and inhaled two dosas faster than light.  


• Recently, I was taking the help of a superior. I was supposed to produce 2 files result1 and result2 which were strikingly similar. So I by mistake produced the same file twice and saved it as A and B What happened next is one of the funniest things that has happened to me since joining work.
  
  S: So which file is result1?
  Me: A is result1.
  S: And what is B?
  Me: result2.
  S: But looks like A and B is the same.
  Me: Nope.
  S: Wait. Look at the files. Now tell me...what is A?
  Me: result1.
  S: And B?
  Me: result....oh. It's result1 only.
  S: You watch tamizh movies?
  Me: Yeah. Why?
  S(laughing): Because this is like the vazhapazham comedy.

         Sooooo funny and embarrassing at the same time!

Games People Play

Office is boring. Seriously. Most of my work involves waiting. Waiting for a superior to criticize my work. Waiting for lunch time to arrive. Waiting for the distraction that will occupy my team giving me the chance to escape. You get the idea! So, creative people like me find ways to pass time in office. Like:

• How many soggy Monaco biscuits can I pick up in a single draw?
  This game gets me nostalgic, teary-eyed and bad-mouthed because it reminds me of 'The Claw' game in cheesy arcades. I have never ever won anything from that game. That sucker must have swallowed half my pocket money(and my pocket money wasn't much to begin with). At least at office, these expired biscuits are for free.





• Staring at the one hot girl who is on your floor(yay)
  Thank God for small miracles. And by that I mean mini-skirts. Because let me tell you, this girl is hot. Even the women in my office cannot keep their eyes off of her. Yes, when she passes by I feel like I am choking to death because she smells like she took bath with perfume in a bathroom full of scented candles and used a towel made of rose petals, but the view compensates for it.
  Of course it is kinda awkward when your male teammate's eyes and your eyes follow Hot Girl. And unfortunately, your eyes meet and both of you are calling each other "PERVERT" in your mind. I imagine this is how guys feel about making eye contact at urinals.




•  Stalk. Stalk. Stalk. And then stalk some more.
  Stalkers these days really have it easy, I tell you. Facebook has made things so much easier.
  No more following the person around all day to know what they're doing. Your Object Of Desire(OOD) might just check in to watch Twilight:Breaking Dawn with a caption like "Team Edward xoxo"(if you still like her after all this, you suck. Geddit? Geddit? Ah forget it!).
  No more hiding in bushes to see your OOD sleeping. Her Facebook profile picture collection is enough. Who looks good when they're sleeping, anyway?




• Tab switching.
  This should just speak for itself. You can do whatever shit you want in office, as long as you don't get caught. The secret here is reflexes. Also the thumb rule is:
  
  If you want to check out Mitchell Johnson's abs,
  Make sure you have other Wikipedia/Google tabs.
  
  Pretty simple, innit? Discretion is advised in office. And you don't want your manager staring at you staring at that ripped stomach. Droooooooooooooooooooooool.

Slip ups

You know what a foot in the mouth situation is, don't you? It happens when you say or do something extremely stupid and then you realize it a minute later when you see the amused/shocked expressions on people's faces around you and then you just go on to make it worse. Well, yours truly(and my friends around me too) have been involved in many such situations. A small compilation for you to laugh at our expense!

Note: These friends haven't been notified that I am writing this stuff. So I am using initials, like I always do.

1)
Where: Rockfort Train -Trichy to Chennai
When: College, 1st year
Who: Yours Truly
What: I always wake up an hour before the train reaches the destination. You know, what with my luck with travel I figured it would be better not to wake up in the middle of the jungle and have Demento...oh that's a whole other story. Anyways, there I am sleeping and I wake up the entire compartment with my alarm. I decide to take a quick nap. Well, needless to say when I wake up I see "Mambalam" pulling away.
I grab my suitcases and go to the door and see this guy framing the door and trying to give some hero pose. I tell him to move. And he says the train's moving. So I say "DUH! Get out and help me get my luggage down!". And after muttering "Loosu. Paityam." a million times he gets off and starts running along the train. And I threw my suitcases at him. He gets in and tells me I am mad(not a new discovery, buddy). I stood there figuring out at what speed and how long I should run after I jump out the train(Physics genius, man). So I jumped.
One small hiccup...I forgot which direction to run in. I end up running in the direction opposite to the motion of the train and I fell flat on my face. And my uncle who was supposed to pick me up along with half of Chennai were there to see me sprawled spread-eagled kissing the platform. Bummer.


2)
Where: Karate Class
When: College, 2nd year
Who: R, my very close friend
What: This senior guy's teaching us some kicks, right. And he goes on to teach us the groin kick. The barn was really noisy so we couldn't really hear but once he started showing us the kick, we *ahem* knew what it was called. But not R. Nooooooo! The following conversation ensued and I swear to God it's the funniest thing I have ever heard.
R: What is it called?
S(Senior guy): Umm groin kick.
R: Oh row-end kick?(I know. I have no idea how she heard that.)
S: Yes yes groin kick.
R: So the direction of force of the kick is upwards?
S: *Getting increasingly uncomfortable at this point* Yes yes.
R: So it's used to push IT up?
All of us were like "R, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DIGGING YOUR OWN GRAVE?! SHUT UP!"
S: Uh yes it is to push it up(looking at the ceiling, floor, anywhere where we girls weren't there)
Needless to say, when we later told R what the name of the kick was, she was suicidal. It was funny for us though :P

3)
Where: My room
When: College, 2nd year
Who: Yours truly
What: You thought that only Apple users have difficulty in typing because of auto-correct? Nokia should feature in that list too, I tell you. We were giddy with power in 2nd year because we could rag juniors now. We weren't the lowest layer of scum anymore..yay! But I took ragging to another level. I was just messaging some junior girl(forgot who...but whoever it is, she must be scarred for life) to ask her to come to my room. So I type "Hey, come to my room."(I know..I'm so awesome I use commas and fullstops while typing) and I send it.
A little background information about me before I go on. People think I am gay. People call me Gay. Guess it's convenient since my name is Gaya and all. So this point is twice as funny. Moving on.
Little did I know that I had pressed the button below the one that contains the letter H. So in the end, the message read "Sex, come to my room.". I think that day I gave the word "ragging" a whole new dimension.

Friday

Sing to the tune of Rebecca Black's Friday :P


[Morning Verse]

(Aiyoo, Yaaaaaaawnnn)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah *knock*
Yeah, yeah *knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock knock*
Yeah, yeah, yeah I am AWAKE

7am, waking up in the morning
Opening the door for the maid,
Sleeping a little more till the alarm goes crazy,
Gonna get late again, Gonna get stuck in traffic,
Gotta take a bath in the freezing cold water,
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see the conductor (The conductor)

Flatulent lady in the front seat
Lecherous man in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?


[Chorus]

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta go Chennai on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ outta office early on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin’ (No)
Sleepin', sleepin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend


[Evening Verse]

3:45, packing up my bag
Cruisin’ so fast, my colleagues don't see me
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
Making hurried plans,
My friend is by my right
We are running around,
Thinking where to go

280 rupees for Chocolate Daiquri
330 rupees for Apple Daiquiri
Gotta make my mind up
Which one can I take?


[Chorus]

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get sloshed on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ totally out on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

P.S.: I was really bored.

Life Relearned in Bangalore

You might have guessed by now that I am a software engineer. Which means I stay in Bangalore. It has been 3 months since I landed here and I have learned a few things, mostly useless ones, about this place.

1. You know how a footpath says to you, "Come hither, pedestrian! Thou shall be safe with me."? Well, in Bangalore it says "GET OFF!!! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!!!" because motor cycles, bikes and pretty much anything with two wheels+enough  horsepower to kill you will share the footpath with you. So you're safer walking on the road. The traffic never moves here anyways.
   
   
2. Auto drivers are extremely talkative here. This one driver looked at the poster of the movie Force and asked me if John Abraham goes to the gym regularly. Another one asked me if I was on Facebook, where I was from, which area in Chennai, my flat number, and which flat from the adjacent building provided a clear view of me sleeping. Well not the last one, but you get the idea.
   
   
3. The South Indian fare here is extremely different from Tamilian food. For one thing, their sambar can easily be confused with a sweet dish. The different kinds of chutneys available here are white, white, and white. Did I mention white? And their dosas are minuscule. I could pack two of those in a single Ghee Roast from Saravana Bhavan.
   P.S.: Did you know that dosas were invented in Karnataka? Well if they invented it, Tamil Nadu made it better.
   
   
4. My call register has only one number: Amma. My greetings have changed from "Hi" to:
   
   • How do you make sambar rice?
   • Are you sure I cannot put potato in this also?
   • It tastes horrible, Amma!
   
   
5. Wherever I go, I increase the AQ(Aunty Quotient) of that place. Because the girls here are extremely hot. I myself cannot stop staring so I cannot blame the male population of Bangalore for being open-mouthed most of the time.
   P.S.: Recently when I was on the train, there was one kid in my compartment. His finger was permanently stuck in his nose. And then he comes up to me, keeps his hand on my dress and calls me Aunty. I stopped myself from throwing him off the train.
   
   
6. Although I love stepping into puddles, I have stopped doing that with the puddle right in front of my building. The owner downstairs has a dog. And that puddle, I realized, might not be water.

Squeals On Wheels

Dear readers, you will have to survive through a long winding conversation(I have thrown in a few jokes to make it interesting!) to get to the actual post. So bear with me.

HDFC lady(HL): I need address proof, Madam.
Me: Is the Bangalore house agreement fine?
HL: No. Permanent address proof, Madam.
Me: What about an Airtel bill?
HL: As long as it is a current bill, fine Madam.
Me: No, it's a telephone bill*Chuckle*!
HL: What Madam?
Me: I said it's a telepho...never mind. I have the bill for July.
HL: July, no. August only Madam.
Me: Okay. Can I scan and send it?
HL: No. Hard copy Madam. You need to sign on it. That's why.
Me: What if I sign on it and scan it to you and you take a colour printout? Huh? Huh? Won't that work?
HL: Actually it migh...no no. Hard copy only. Is it in your name?
Me: No. It's in my father's name.
HL: Sorry Madam. That won't work!
Me: But that is where I live too!
HL: What about driving license, Madam?

---

And my answer to her question was, is and always will be a vehement no. I shouldn't be allowed to touch a cycle, let alone a scooter or a car. My tragic affair with vehicles begins at:

Age 8 - Cycle

Guess who just had to take a spin around the park before going off to explore pavilions at Dubai Shopping Festival(Actually, with my dad the case is that we take a peek at the exterior of every other country's pavilion but venture in and explore only the Indian Pavilion. Rational arguments like "But Appa, we go to India every year! What's the point of going to the Indian pavilion?" would be dismissed)? 


My father grudgingly accompanied me to the park. I was still getting used to the absence of training wheels. So while I pedalled furiously, my father would hold the cycle and run. At one point, he left it and stood to watch.

He watched proudly as his daughter rode the cycle. He watched her turn her head and shout "Appaaaa!" for 10 seconds. And then he watched her hit the pavement, fly off the cycle and clash with a tree. Not just any tree, though. A palm tree, which quite frankly is the only kind of tree you'll get to see in the Gulf. Please make a note of the monster spikes that adorn the bark of the tree.

I did get hurt quite a bit. On the plus side though, I got a black eye. Super cool! For a month, I enjoyed the terror I caused amongst the kids in the neighbourhood.

Age 10 - Roller Skates

After some tantrum throwing(I am a quite spoiled), I got roller skates and we all went to the park to check it out. As I took baby steps in my skates, my brother(who was about 3) did the same next to me. So I caught his hand to help him walk. And all of the sudden, the stupid thing started running. And I fall and get a major sprain. No amount of begging would convince my dad that I actually got hurt. He made me walk to see if I was okay. I wasn't. In fact, it escalated to a dislocation.

On the plus side, I got to choose the colour of my cast(I chose red :P)!

Age 17-20 - Cycle

And life comes to a full circle again. If there was some sort of "NIT Book of Tiruchchirappalli Records", my name would be right against Largest Number of Accidents on a Cycle.

-> The first time I climbed onto a cycle in college, I couldn't get off it because I was scared to fall. So I had to throw the cycle down and step over it. What an elegant solution, I thought to myself. Little did I know, that there were spectators there.

-> I finally managed to relearn cycle riding. And then I decided "Hey why not put another innocent soul's life in jeopardy?". So I took one of my most lightweight friends "doubles" because we were late to class. We fell. She never asked me for doubles again.

-> As I was riding my cycle slowly and somewhat steadily, two guys sped past me. Suddenly, feminism took over(I'm crazy like that) and I entered into a race with two unknowing participants. Once I took over them, I turned my head around to give them this "Losers! Suckers!" look, I collided with another guy riding a cycle. I fell off, somersaulted on the road and just sat there and laughed because it was just so funny! Of course, it wasn't funny anymore when I had to pay for that guy's cycle's damages.

-> I was washing my cycle and I broke a nail. What!!! That counts as an accident too!

Not-so-family Movies

The following situation would have occured to you atleast once: A chartbuster song starts flashing on Channel V/ M TV/ VH1. And as all videos nowadays have, how do I put this, bootylicious babes dressed in handkerchiefs. But hey, it's the song I want, not the girls. And then, louder than the song I hear something else. Footsteps..Parents Alert. Hurriedly, I reach for the remote and change the channel to something more appropriate. Atleast, with the TV, you've the option of changing channels...imagine sitting in a theatre, next to your parents, watching the same video, magnified gazillion times and all you can do is sheepishly look away. So I have painstakingly compiled a list of movies that put me through the above torture.


Side note before I begin: I didn't want to just start writing about the movie. I wanted to put up a picture of the movie first and THEN start writing about the movie. But my laptop is super slow. So I cannot even upload one microscopic thumbnail without my laptop seizing up. Oh yes you can ask me why we haven't got it looked at yet. My dad's response for that is "You're a computer engineer...you should know what is wrong with it!". Pfft...as if.

Chronologically ordered:

-> Titanic(1997)

I was born on a nice, rainy Thursday in the fine year of 1989. Which means I was in 4th grade when I went to watch Titanic(atleast I think I was). With my dear parents. And as much as I love them, which is a lot, I have to admit that they have the most annoying habit of staring at me(or my brother) when something uncomfortable comes on screen. So why I ask you, Rose...why did you have to lie naked with just the stupid blue rock on? Why did you have to do "stuff" in the misty misty car? I hate you, and I wish you had drowned instead of Jack. Ooooh Jack :D

-> Munnabhai M.B.B.S.(2003) - the one I bought from a dealer of pirated CDs

Confused? We got this CD...alright alright, the pirated copy. And so we are all laughing after the first half of the movie thinking, "Wow, this is wholesome entertainment for the entire family" and we put in the next CD. And it's not Munnabhai M.B.B.S. It is American Pie. And there are these female "cops" with all kinds of contraptions. Yeah, that was pretty disturbing.

-> Aitraaz(2004)

Akshay Kumar and Priyanka Chopra just had to get it on wherever and whenever they wanted to. And her dialogues have haunted me ever since. Yes it was pretty weird to have your mom watching you out of the corner of her eye while you are watching your mom out of the corner of your eye. Complex.

-> Salaam Namaste(2005)

Sometimes I dig my own grave. Guess who suggested we should go out as a family and watch this movie? Yes, it is me, the one and only. They're in a living relationship. I should have guessed before that there would be...umm...boinking! Although the highlight was when Preity was preggers and my brother asked me why her stomach was so big. I gracefully exchanged seats with him and switched him over to my mom.

-> Kambhakt Ishq(2009)

I loved Pammal K Sambandham. Not as much as Panchathanthiram or Chachi 420, but it still had pockets of humour. However, Kambhakt Ishq was just painful to watch. First, can someone explain to me how Kareena has the time to moonlight as a model when she is a med student? Second, Akshay Kumar. Third(yes my second point was just two words), the swimsuit scene, the songs, the skimpy outfits and the general eating-face scenes were plain annoying.

-> Saath Khoon Maaf(2011)

Yeah it is disturbing alright. Especially when you are sitting next to your mom and watching the movie. Priyanka Chopra should seriously kill herself for putting me through that torture.

And the award goes to...

Recently, our very own Mozart, A.R. Rahman, won two Oscars for his brilliant music direction, in Slumdog Millionaire. This got me thinking. We Indians do have an ear for music, but do we have an ear for words, rather lyrics? Take a look at the follwing.

Disclaimer: Take a breather and sit down. These songs might cause cardiac insomnia.

-> Cow dies,

Man eats,

Take the skin,

Beat the drum

Naaku Mukka(x14) - I'm ain't kiddin' here.

Yep, one of the biggest hits of the year. Got all of Tamil Nadu(dare I say India) on the dance floor. When there are lightning fast beats, who gives a damn about the lyrics!?!

-> When I close my eyes,

and I'm about to sleep,

My bedroom fan comes down,

And wakes me up,

And tells me to think of you

If you have a broken-hearted friend, who has a really big nose and atrocious spectacles and bugs bunny teeth, this is the song for him. Guarenteed to make you commit suicide after you hear the ghastly rap from Blaaze(who in my opinion might just be your friendly neighbourhood bathroom singer, nay, rapper).

-> Light a cigarette,

From the liver,

There's a huge fire,

In my liver.

This might be because Bips has a lotta bile(pun intended).

And to think that India once produced great poets like Rabindranath Tagore, Kalidas among many others.

I leave you with the best one.

-> Where is the party tonight?

(low pitched grunt)

It's in your house.

Where is the party tonight?

(yet another low pitched grunt)

It's in my house.

Where is the party tonight?

(low pitched grunt, again)

In the middle of the road.

Where is the party tonight?

(the last low pitched grunt)

In Tamil Nadu.

Guess who's back...ta-da-da....Back again!

The title of this post is inspired by Eminem's song "Without Me".

So I know I haven't been writing regularly. And this time I have no excuse at all. I mean, it has been more than 10 days since my vacations started!

So what have I been doing all this time? Good question. And the answer is: not much. Or that's the answer I give my friends. Truthfully speaking, I have been doing a little more than 'not much'. I have watched 13 movies since I came home, I have cooked 2 dishes entirely by myself without any help at all from my mother, I have almost finished reading a book, and I have started watching Frasier. Jam-packed schedule, huh?

Point is, I have decided to write more, so here I am. I promise(and I hope not to break it) to write a post everyday. That's right. Every single day. So help me God!

Readers, prepare yourselves for lot of reviews, pointless posts and (maybe) a broken promise, because I am back(cue theme music)!

My First Common Crush

Well, this was one of the more prominent ones. I still remember how my close, close friend Jass and I used to hang on to the remote, switching between music channels at the speed of light...waiting to catch a glimpse of 'Him'. Who is 'He'? 'He' is the most good-looking guy, the most awesome dancer, the most talented singer and the best music composer...well at least 'He' was at that time...to be more specific regarding the time=>when I was in 11th grade. Who is 'He'(this is the last time I use quotes)? See for yourself.

Yeah I know, he is not even that cute. He's a bit of a douche, really(see 0:38 in the video). Actually J loved him more than me. Much more. There was this one incident I cannot forget when she was walking down Rolla Square at 6 PM(rush hour).

Oh by the way, this is how Rolla Square looks when it's NOT crowded.

Anyhoo, she is about to cross the street when she sees this poster of him outside some shady video rental store and she stepped in front of a Hummer and nearly killed herself. But of course, the first thing she did after returning home was punch in my number and let out squeals of glory regarding how cute he looked, how awesome his hair looked, etc. Yes, she is mental.

I saw the video again a few days back, and I don't know why I had a crush on this guy in the first place! But I've to admit, he dances well :) He is the classic example of a person whose talent overshadows his looks. But more than this, more than anything else, the reason I still like this video is a memory I have. A memory in which two silly 11th grade girls swoon over their first common crush :)

18 things to do before I hit 25 :)

It has taken me quite some time to think about the things I want to do before I turn 25 (This post has been a draft for more than a month!). In fact, it was initially "25 things to do before I turn 25", but I fell short of 7 :P


I would be happy if I did at least a few! Some of the things on the list don't make sense. It's just crazy stuff that I would like to do to have fun! Some of the things on the list are wee bit sensible. Here's to hoping I manage to do atleast half on the things in the list :)

• Go Bungee Jumping!




• Get blue highlights(and shock parents out of their wits).





• Watch Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag. Must. Watch. It.

• Learn juggling!







• Somehow convey to George Clooney that I'm in love with him. Sigh!

• Get a pet turtle or pet tortoise.








• Learn the difference between turtle and tortoise.

• See the Dead Sea!

• Watch a cricket match live. Preferably Aussies against England.

• Win a pani puri eating contest.

• Visit Machu Picchu. It just looks so beautiful in pictures!
  



• Go on an all-expenses-paid-by-me trip to USA with Appa, Amma and Tarun :) Oh and I hope that Tarun doesn't get food poisoning and ruin the trip (like he did when we went to Singapore in 2000...first and last time we ever went on a trip...)

• Watch all the James Bond movies. Especially the Roger Moore ones. My god, he is awesome!







• Say either one or all of the following: "How do you like me now, bitch?", "Oh no she di'int!","Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" :D

• Buy an Audi R8. *drool*

• Get a tattoo! Maybe some sexy arabic calligraphy or a dragon.




• Pick up a cockroach -wait for it-with my bare hands -here's the kicker- without screaming.
  
  



• Plant saplings. Go the Captain Planet way.

Guess who's back :)

Yep...it's me, your friend, philosopher and guide...well probably not but what the heck?! Wanted to introduce myself with a flourish.

Now, back from where, you wonder?

The answer is: back from the deepest of the deepest chambers of hell, back from the place where hope and happiness cease to exist, back from NIT, Trichy. Don't smirk and raise your eyebrows....I know I'm being a drama queen. Truth be told, it ain't that bad. What makes it bearable is friends; what makes it unbearable is, well, everything else actually! Somehow sitting and eating shrivelled slivers of what we can only describe as "cabbage pakoda" in the mess with friends almost seems fun :)

So what am I doing right now?

Well, I'm surfing the waves of joblessness, I'm walking the path of uselessness - in simple words, I'm doing nothing. While many of my batchmates are doing projects in various IITs, and still many others pursuing internships in companies, I'm sitting at home wondering if I should re-read(for the 6th time) the Harry Potter series or watch Star Movies. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Sigh.

So what have I been upto since my vacations started?

Well I've mainatained a balance between reading and movies. I've already read the first 5 Harry Potter books and currently I'm nearing the end of the 6th one. As far as movies go, I watched August Rush(good movie, great music), Flash of Genius(great acting by Greg Kinnear), Badmaash Company(I liked it; word of advice though..do not watch with family. Watching Shahid and Anushka smooch is pretty embarassing when your grandparents and parents are on either side of you. My head was buried in the popcorn for quite a long time.) and Hot Fuzz(I watched it for the umpteenth time. It's so funny :D). And I also finished watching 1 and a half seasons of 2 and a half men :)

What plans for the rest of the summer?

Well, I really would like to get some studying done. You see, next semester is when I'll hopefully get placed and I can't really say that all I know about programming is that it has got 2 'm's :P

I will blog more often so look forward to a lot of posts :)

The annoying gaga over the saga

Nope, this ain't a post about the very annoying Lady Poke-her-face Gaga. This is a rant about one of the...scratch that...make it THE most irritating books of our time ever: the Twilight series. Hey, I don't hate all of it, mind you. Mindless sentences lie in every page of each book. Considering that my exams are starting in two days, this may not be the best thing to do, but I've selected a few quotes that have left me with a mind questioning Bella's sanity and a stomach ache from laughing too much.

After her break-up with Edward: I tried to act as if there wasn’t a hole in my heart that seemed to ripple.

Stephenie Meyer is a very smart lady. She has clubbed her biography along with the book by giving us facts about herself. Allow me to explain. From the above line we now know that in addition to being a horrible writer, Steph(if I may call her that) was a failure at biology.


When she went to the beach(after her break-up with Edward): I hadn’t ever gotten to go here when I was with Edward. The hole in my chest rippled and I started to breath hard. Slowly my heart beat returned to normal and the hole was patched. For now.

Ah Steph! You've proved your string of Fs in biology. Apparently, when holes ripple, you start breathing hard(holes rippling, hard breathing...Steph does know something about the biology taking place down there, eh?).

Actually I'm not sure if the next one exists in the book or not. But..what the heck..it sounds loke something Meyer would write.

Still at the beach: I wore a blue bikini with a hawaiian flowered sarong on my waist. I’d never worn something so revealing, unless you counted my underwear. I’d never been able to, with Edward and all.

Seriously, WTF!?!

Yinglish Rap in Saangs..

Them hoes and bitches, they drop it like that,
They shakin' that thang,
They go for the bling,
You get what imma sayin'?

If you get what imma...ahem, I mean if you understand what I'm saying then I can safely assume you grew up on the streets and you're from the block. Earlier, rap artists were from the ghetto streets. They had gun shots in their chests, they had bling on their vests, they were hittin' that booty, they were acting all snooty. *Slap* Whew I needed to snap outta the rap *Slap*.

Ah much better. As I was saying, right now, the "in" thing in the Indian Music Scene is Rap. Yep, in hindi movies, in tamil movies, in pop albums. And who's the leading Indian Rapper on da block!?! It's none other than Lakshmi Narasimha Vijaya Rajagopala Seshadri Sharma Rajesh Raman. Name doesn't ring a bell!?! Does Blaaze sound familiar to you? Yep, they both are the same guys. The Tam Brahm Rapper from Zambia has revolutionized the Music scene with his, ummm, rapping.


Hey, don't get me wrong but I love Eminem, 50Cent, Usher, Akon and many more, so I find the "rap" in the Indian songs an insult to the above mentioned real rappers. You don't believe me? Take a look at the following snippets from very popular Indian songs which have rap interlaced at every 30-second period of the song.

• Let me break it down, I'm taking the top spot, She doesn't know it, But I've got a soft spot.

Just one doubt here: Is the soft spot in his head? Later in the song, he talks about how he's gonna throw a party and invite everyone to see his wife and think of the beautiful kiss that she's gonna give. Seriously, it sounds like porno. Is this guy for real?

• BABA! That's what they say, B to the A to the B to the A.

Who the hell is the "they" referring to? The FOBs(Followers Of Baba) are super angry that they have been compared to the "they" in the song.

• Mama told me, Don't be talkin' to the stranga, Don't be talkin' to the stranga, Stranga is Danga.

Well, I got to tell your mama that she don't be talkin' to anybody with her habit of eating up the ending letters of words(stranger->stranga, danger->danga). Oh, and her gramma could be betta.

• Everybody in the pardy are you ready, say X! Gotta go with the flow, say P-L-O! Ready for me put the D to the E! E-X-P-L-O-D-E..Explode!!!!

Where do I even begin!?! First of all, he skips the first E. Then to rhyme, he puts in words like "pardy" and "flow". Need I say more?

Habbie Nu Ear!

I absolutely have NO idea why I spelt the title like that. I guess GRE preparation finally got to me and I've forgotten to spell the words I already knew how to spell. For those wondering, I've finished 3 letters in the word list. Oh wait. The letters were X, Y, and Z. That makes it a grand total of 12 words. Man, I got to put that on my CV.


Anyways, in other "new"s(haha...get it!?! News and "new"s :P), the new year has dawned upon us, the old one slinking away with all those resolutions that we made last year still pending fulfillment. But we continue making those damn resolutions. Why? Probably to experience the feeling(even if it's only for a few weeks, in my case, hours) that we will begin the year with a sense of purpose.


So, I've made a few resolutions of my own that I want to share with you. Yes, you, my imaginary reader :) Some of the resolutions are new, some old, both with the expectation that they never have to be made again.

1. To become leaner, meaner and fitter: I actually don't need the meaner bit. I had to add it because "leaner, meaner and fitter" has a nice ring to it.
2. To study: To. Study. Two simple words in writing, but so very, very hard in implementation.
3. To write more, and by extension, blog more: Oh yeah, this is something I have to start doing.
4. To get rid of the accent with which I converse in English: It's kind of a tamilian and mallu accent. I have to get rid of it. Really need to get rid of it.
5. To get rid of the accent with which I converse in Tamil: It's kind of an "English" accent. I know, I know...so messed up that I can't speak even one language well :P
6. To enjoy life: Simple one, ain't it? I just want to enjoy every single moment of life. Squeeze the juice out, you know. However, I don't know if it's possible considering resolution number 2.
7. To read more: I have nearly left the habit of reading after entering college. However, it's going to be back with a bang this year. Hopefully.
8. This isn't a resolution: Ahem, I had to append another point, because I like even numbers. Couldn't stand the fact that my list had to end with the number 7. Oh, the horror!

That's about it, I guess. Hopefully, I'll stick to it and be back writing a similar post at the end of 2010, except on a more positive note :)

Happy New Year, guys. Hope this new year brings more width to your smile, more money in your pocket, more shine in your eyes, and more love in your life.