Friday, October 14, 2011

Beauty

P.S.: No funnies here. This is a serious one. Hope you like it!

It was late in the morning. She stood in front of the mirror. The car was downstairs, waiting for her. She didn't care.

She was too busy admiring herself. Her jet-black hair, almond-shaped eyes, luscious lips and fantastic body had made her the envy of every woman and the desire of every man in town. And she knew it.

She picked up her toothbrush and began her routine, oblivious to the incessant honks.



It was a star-studded affair. She arrived fashionably late. Every head in the room turned, almost as if synchronized, when she entered the room. In her arm, she had another man. She never went out in the same dress or with the same man more than once.

She walked around the ballroom, moving effortlessly from one group to the other, talking about everything from politics to sport. That's the thing about her - she wasn't just a pretty face. She was a force to be reckoned with, on and off the catwalk.

Waiters swarmed around the room in careful, choreographed paths offering hors d'oeuvres to the guests. She picked up a few and began eating. People around her asked her how she could afford to eat when she was a top model. She gave a silvery laugh and continued to eat.



It was late in the night. She stood in front of the mirror. Her date was on the bed, waiting for her. She didn't care.

She took a deep breath and noticed that her stomach was slightly convex. No problem, that could be taken care of.

She picked up her toothbrush and stuck in down her throat.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Friday

Sing to the tune of Rebecca Black's Friday :P


[Morning Verse]

(Aiyoo, Yaaaaaaawnnn)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah *knock*
Yeah, yeah *knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock knock*
Yeah, yeah, yeah I am AWAKE

7am, waking up in the morning
Opening the door for the maid,
Sleeping a little more till the alarm goes crazy,
Gonna get late again, Gonna get stuck in traffic,
Gotta take a bath in the freezing cold water,
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see the conductor (The conductor)

Flatulent lady in the front seat
Lecherous man in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?


[Chorus]

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta go Chennai on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ outta office early on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin’ (No)
Sleepin', sleepin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend


[Evening Verse]

3:45, packing up my bag
Cruisin’ so fast, my colleagues don't see me
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
Making hurried plans,
My friend is by my right
We are running around,
Thinking where to go

280 rupees for Chocolate Daiquri
330 rupees for Apple Daiquiri
Gotta make my mind up
Which one can I take?


[Chorus]

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get sloshed on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ totally out on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

P.S.: I was really bored.

Ero*ica

She stands last in the line,
Unassuming, looking so damn fine,
No one else gives her a look-see,
And so by default, she belonged to me.

I walked up to her, feeling quite unsure,
What if she turned out to be a big bore?
I picked her up and we went to a quiet place,
I could not stop staring at her face.

She looked pristine, brittle and mellow,
Dressed in white and a subtle yellow,
With specks of black here and there,
I had to handle her with tender care.

I dared to slowly caress her,
She liked it, she did not deter,
Her soft exterior blew my mind,
Her body took shapes, undefined.

And as I bent down to take a taste,
My inane thoughts were replaced,
And I knew there was only one thing to do,
Scream out in ecstasy, "Pongal, I love you"!

P.S.: Pongal is an extremely delicious rice preparation. No one really likes it because it is over-shadowed by popular dishes such as dosa or vada. Although after reading something so weird, I don't think anyone would ever want to eat pongal again...ever :P
Btw my love affair with pongal began in college. And I still love it.



Monday, October 10, 2011

The Housewife

Quiz: Are you a housewife?

  • You are taking a casual stroll in the local supermarket and you see that potatoes are 30 Rupees/kilo. You:

    1. Push away at least 3 aunties, grab the plastic bag and start selecting spuds in a manner similar to the guy at the beginning of the 300 spoof selecting babies
    2. Meh. You can get them later. You don't want to stand behind that weird female who ran towards them like the wind anyways.

  • Your friends make a plan to watch Mere Brother Ki Dulhan and then go out for a pizza. When they invite you, you:

    1. Ditch them. You don't want to watch Imran Khan on screen and drool because it makes you feel like a pedophile. And pizza has become boring. Besides, you're in the mood for Upma and 90210.
    2. Wish that the movie was in 3D. You also skimp on the popcorn so that you can properly hog the pizza.

  • You pick up a plate from the shelf and you see that the servant has missed a spot. How do you react?

    1. Wash last night's curry off the plate using half a Vim bar, obsess over it for hours and think of having a talk with the servant(and then chuck it. What if the servant gets angry and leaves the job? Where are you going to find another servant? The horror!).
    2. What spot?

  • You enter the mall and you head off to:

    1. More/Nilgiris/Any departmental store of course! They have a big sale and you had brought along your Sodexos!! Best day ever!!! Too many exclamation marks!!!!
    2. CCD.

  • There are some old newspapers lying around the house. You:

    1. Paper your shelves with them and keep the rest for spreading on the table while eating. That way you won't have debris lying on the table. Pretty smart, huh?
    2. Throw them. Or let them be. It's not like they're bothering you. Whatevs.

  • Are you actually taking this quiz?

    1. Yes.
    2. No.

If you selected:
Mostly 1s: You are a true blue housewife. Go now...your sambar is bubbling on the stove.
Mostly 2s: Congrats! You still have a life! Unlike the author of this piece, who incidentally chose only 1s.

Monday, October 03, 2011

Life Relearned in Bangalore

You might have guessed by now that I am a software engineer. Which means I stay in Bangalore. It has been 3 months since I landed here and I have learned a few things, mostly useless ones, about this place.


  1. You know how a footpath says to you, "Come hither, pedestrian! Thou shall be safe with me."? Well, in Bangalore it says "GET OFF!!! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!!!" because motor cycles, bikes and pretty much anything with two wheels+enough  horsepower to kill you will share the footpath with you. So you're safer walking on the road. The traffic never moves here anyways.

  2. Auto drivers are extremely talkative here. This one driver looked at the poster of the movie Force and asked me if John Abraham goes to the gym regularly. Another one asked me if I was on Facebook, where I was from, which area in Chennai, my flat number, and which flat from the adjacent building provided a clear view of me sleeping. Well not the last one, but you get the idea.

  3. The South Indian fare here is extremely different from Tamilian food. For one thing, their sambar can easily be confused with a sweet dish. The different kinds of chutneys available here are white, white, and white. Did I mention white? And their dosas are minuscule. I could pack two of those in a single Ghee Roast from Saravana Bhavan.
    P.S.: Did you know that dosas were invented in Karnataka? Well if they invented it, Tamil Nadu made it better.

  4. My call register has only one number: Amma. My greetings have changed from "Hi" to:
    • How do you make sambar rice?
    • Are you sure I cannot put potato in this also?
    • It tastes horrible, Amma!

  5. Wherever I go, I increase the AQ(Aunty Quotient) of that place. Because the girls here are extremely hot. I myself cannot stop staring so I cannot blame the male population of Bangalore for being open-mouthed most of the time.
    P.S.: Recently when I was on the train, there was one kid in my compartment. His finger was permanently stuck in his nose. And then he comes up to me, keeps his hand on my dress and calls me Aunty. I stopped myself from throwing him off the train.

  6. Although I love stepping into puddles, I have stopped doing that with the puddle right in front of my building. The owner downstairs has a dog. And that puddle, I realized, might not be water.