Shoppers, Stop!

On Sunday evening, my mother came up with the oft suggested mother-daughter activity of (her) choice: Shopping. While I have more tolerance than my father/brother for such activity, I still prefer not to indulge in it. However, I relented and gave in. Because she is my mom and I love her. And because she bribed me with food. Mostly the first reason though.

But before that we had to buy a packet of milk because the milkman had some personal vendetta against my mother and he never put milk for us. I know...first world problems!

Anyway, we buy the milk packet and then we head into Shoppers' Stop. After perusing through the clothes at different speeds - me, at a super human speed eliminating almost all of them with a single glance, and my mother, stopping to admire each and every thread on each and every bead on each and every garment - I declared that I didn't like any of them.

While my mother and I were bickering, one of the attendants started approaching us. Immediately, my mother ran off at lightning speed. I was, to say the least, perplexed. The guy had just wanted us to sign a membership form! After I put a fake number on the card, I ran over to my mother who was hiding behind some handbag stand.

Me:           Amma, what happened? Why did you just run off like that!
Amma:     I thought he was going to catch us.
Me:           What? Why? Why would he catch us?
Amma:    No, I thought he saw the bag in your hand and thought the milk packet was a bomb.
Me:           .....soooooo you were going to leave me to get caught by these guys and run away?
Amma:    Haha I know!
Me:           ....carrying the milk that YOU bought? Seriously?
Amma:    Hey I gave birth to you. You cannot do this much for me? Vaaya moodu (shut up)!

Mission Impossible V - The IPL story

Mission: Get on TV during IPL match

Tools needed:

1) Tickets for CSK vs RCB. Check.
2) Dent in bank account. To be specific, a Rs. 1375 dent for the "Bagpiper special view". Check.
3) Hot friend(more probability of getting the camera to land on us). Check.
4) Weird props for cheerleading. Well, not really but hoping to grab some props from other spectators when they aren't looking. Check.

Preparation for the mission:
1) Tell everyone in office, including the China headquarters that I am going for the match. Check.
2) Dilly dally at work(in anticipation of the match, of course). Check.
3) Leave office at 4. Cash....I mean, Check.

Ideas that we flirted with:
1) Sit in a stand dominated by RCB supporters wearing red, while we wear yellow and support CSK. Smells like a death wish.
2) Hope for Gayle to smash a 6 so that one of us gets hit by the ball and we get admitted to the hospital. And then Gayle, along with the rest of the players come to visit us. Irrational much?
3) Get hot friend to gyrate sexily so that the spy cam spots us. Well, no luck there.

What really happened:
1) Cheering for CSK did not work. The RCB supporters started throwing their cheerleading props at us.
2) 1375? You would expect a nice seat. Well, the joke's on you. They were plastic Nilkamal chairs that creaked and groaned when you sat on them. I think it's because the rain weakened the molecular integrity of those chairs. Hmmm.
3) The match kept getting delayed. At about 10, we realized the match wouldn't happen since it was 2 hours behind schedule. So we trampled on many RCB fans' toes(the highlight of the evening) and managed to get out of the stadium.

The moment we were outside, the stadium erupted with noise and when we looked up we saw a little boy waving an RCB flag and calling everyone back. Naturally, being in the same stadium as 50,000 other people, you form a bond of mutual trust with them. So we ran back in.
At 10:45, the match got cancelled due to rain.

If you thought Mission Impossible IV was a flop, you thought wrong buddy.

Love Guru

Hello dear readers!

Yes yes, I am very much alive, unlike this blog. I was just having a rough couple of days. Deadlines
whooshing by and work stagnating in a half-baked state...not a good turn of events, my friend. Now that
I have realized work is never going to progress, I decided to pour my feelings out on this entertaining
(ahem) page. So, what am I going to be jabbering about today? Ah yes...single-dom and the makings of a
love guru.

I am a single lady. I would like to think it's because I am too 'independent' and 'strong' to be tied
down to some one. But basically it's because I have foot-in-the-mouth AND food-in-the-mouth
syndrome. However, let me clarify that I am not one of those 'Why doesn't he love me!?! I am forever
ALONE!' types. I genuinely have no interest in such shenanigans.

What's interesting is that even though I have never actually been in a relationship, people seem to look
up to me for advice. And I have no idea why. Apparently I give good advice and though it might not look
the case, I do keep my mouth zipped.

So how does one become a love guru?

•     No prior relationships:
  It's just like being a professor in my college...no prior experience and no knowledge about the subject whatsoever. Helps get an untainted perspective.

•     Bucket loads of patience:
  Seriously. Bucket loads. Buckets that can hold the tears shed by all the women in all Ekta Kapoor soaps. Because lets face it...people who are in relationships are stupid and unless you spell out everything for them a gazillion times, they're never going to understand.

•     A sympathetic ear:
  Breakups are inevitable. And once that happens, you will have to sit through a recap of their love story, what went wrong, who was wrong(obviously, the guy) and how the other person was the love of their life(do not point out that they went out for just 2 weeks). Even carbon dating will fall short while determining how long this saga will take.

•     The 'Awww' hormone: 
  Extremely important. He sent you a rose for Valentine's Day? Awww. He started watching Gossip Girls for you(of course, he's not watching it for Blake Lively's legs)? Awww. He said you looked like a Queen(although Queen Elizabeth is as old as a fossil)? Awww. See what I mean?

Damn...if only I got paid for my troubles.
       

Mom Calling

Phone rings.

Me: Hello amma...
Amma(talking to my brother): Aaan, thirrpi pizza order pannanamaa? (Oh, you want to order pizza again?)
Me: Hellooo hellooo amma!
Amma(still talking to him): Poda pichchu pichchu poduven...pizza-kuzza chi!!! (Get lost I will tear tear and throw you....pizzaa-schmizza yuck!!!)
Me: AMMMAAA!
Amma: Ennadi (What)? I am not deaf. Why are you shouting?
Me: Because you only wer.....gah, never mind!
Amma: Aaan. You had dinner?
Me:  Yeah I had.
Amma: What you had?
Me: Pav Bhaji at home / Out with friends.
Amma: Yesterday also you had that only, no? / How many times you go out?
Me: Yeah...leftovers. / Not much Amma!
Amma: Better you go out and eat. / Why you have a kitchen? Cook and eat at home!
Me: Mmmm.
Amma: You know Sarika?
Me: Eh? Who Sarika?
Amma: Arey! SARIKA!
Me: Shouting the name isn't helping, Amma! Who is she?
Amma: Appa's cousin sister's sister-in-law's daughter! You met her last summer, remember?
Me(Thinking thinking thinking...who the hell is this Sarika? ARGH play it cool...just say you know her): Oooh yeah heerrrr.
Amma: Podi, I know you don't remember! After few years, when I come to your house you will not remember me also! Then will you ask me "Who are you?", huh?
Me: Come on Amma...there's a very small chance of that happening!
Amma: Small chance aa? Adi paavi(you sinner)...anyways, about Sarika...you keep distracting me...
Me: Me? Ok whatever...tell.
Amma: Sarika just got engaged last week.
Me(entering dangerous waters. Must. Tread. Carefully): Mmmm.
Amma: She is your age...
Me(she is laying the trap. Do. Not. Fall. For. It): Mmmm.
Amma: What 'Mmmm'. You keep saying that only all the time.
Me: Mmmm.
Amma: Podi. She is getting married soon.
Me: Oh good for her.
Amma: Yeah. IT IS GOOD FOR HER.
Me: Yeah very good. I am so jealous of her.

Shit shit shit what have I done! Sarcasm with Mother India...BAD IDEA! ABORT ABORT!

Amma: Jealous? You are jealous? YOU are jealous? I don't know you or what...one day you HAVE to get married, okay? Jealous it seems. Let ME tell you something. When I was....

And it goes on and on for five whole minutes.


Amma: ...so don't think too much of yourself, okay?
Me: Mmmm.
Amma: Started 'Mmmm again'. I don't know why I call you. Keep the phone!
Me: Ok bye Am...

----CUT----

Repeat ad infinitum!

Murphy's Law for IT Professionals in Figures

I cannot tell you how many times the first one has happened to me. When I am absolutely sure of nothing but the error's occurrence(so that I can file it as a bug), this happens.

Also, the law of Non-overlapping of Office Timings.

Working is not all that cracked up as I imagined. Especially since my Facebook life is more exciting than my real life.

And of course, the inescapable 5-day Bell Curve. My apologies...doesn't look like a bell curve but imagine the lines are rounded at the peak.

If you have any, you can always contribute through the comments section.