What We Say, What Parents Hear

In case, my parents are reading this: Love you :) :P

1. I am going out with my friends.
   And by friends, of course I mean, lots of boys. So please keep calling every ten minutes.
   
2. There's this guy in my office.
   And the fact that I disclosed the gender, obviously means I am going to marry him very soon. Oh and he isn't even TamBrahm. How's that for rubbing it in, huh?
   
3. Today was such a bad day at office. I just want to stop working.
   Take. Horoscope. Now!
   
4. I'm feeling quite hungry.
   Means I did not have breakfast, lunch and dinner.Don't even think about the most logical reason: I have the appetite of a woolly mammoth. No way, Jose!
   
5. How is she pregnant so soon? She got married less than a year back!
   Don't mistake this as a rhetorical question. I really want to hear you say "You're too small to know such things" to your 22-year old daughter!
   
   
6. I was just watching a scary movie. But it wasn't scary at all.
   Although secretly it was. So scary that now I want you to tell me to pray to God, put Vibhuthi on my forehead, drink warm milk before sleeping and keep chanting Ram Ram.
   
   
7. I got my salary today.
   And I finished spending all of it today.
   
8. Oh my god, Ranbir Kapoor is so hot!
   Please tell me about how he must have slept with a 1000 girls. Yes, that will change my mind. After all, that is what girls look for when they fantasize about hot guys. Gayness Decency.
   
   
9. Ah I have nothing to do. Just relaxing at home during the weekend.
   
   I feel so lonely. Could you please call everyone you know in my city and tell them I am coming to visit even though it takes me 2 hours to just get there? You already did that? Gee, thanks mom!
   
10. *No answer on the phone*
    I am extremely angry with you. No, I am dying. Oh wait wait, I am dead already!
    
    

How to make a Ra.One

Well, Ra.One has raked in the big bucks. And I mean BIG bucks all over the world. This movie has brought Bollywood "on par" with Hollywood - now isn't that what we want?
Anyhoo, considering that there are many horrible movies coming up in Bollywood(think Himesh Reshammiya's/Akshay Kumar's upcoming ventures), I decided to rescue the fate of Bollywood, G.One style! I have the foolproof recipe to prepare a blockbuster. Film makers, take notice!

Ingredients

• 1 Hero - And I am talking about a manly hero, through and through. In the real sense of the word, you know. With shaped eyebrows, botoxed skin, make-up to cover the wrinkles, and last but not the least, a 6-pack. Because a hero isn't a hero till his stomach looks like a Hershey's chocolate bar
  
  
• 1 Heroine - Buxom, should smile and shy away quite a bit, has a slight hint of ambition but gives it all up to support the hero, should dance and sing AND drop clothes(in a foreign location) when a song comes on
  
• 1 Villain - Should be bald and have a better body than the hero, should have tattoos or piercings(because nothing else effectively screams bad guy), should kidnap someone close to hero
  
• 1 Rich Guy - Should have straight hair, should wear suits(preferably with colours and materials such aluminium foil and animal prints), should have sold his soul to the devil. This character can also be combined with the villain's character sometimes
  
• 1 Kid - Should have the illusion of innocence. Note how I say illusion here. He can openly cuss, insult elders, etc. as long as his height is under 5 feet and he drinks Horlicks in the morning
  
• A Pinch of Racist Humour - Where will Bollywood go with this kind of humour? The answer is: It will go places. Seriously, just throw in an over-enthusiastic, overweight Punjaabi/a Tamilian(or Mallu or Telugu...doesn't matter. In the end, we are all Madrasis anyway) saying Aiyyo before and after every word/an Assamese being mistaken for a foreigner and you are set to go
  
• 1 Item Song - It doesn't even have to be that good. Just make sure everyone in the song covers only 10% of their body and the heroine's face is stuck mid-orgasm. That is all.
  
• Absolutely No Logic - Everyone knows that when watching Bollywood films, they should leave their brains at home. So don't waste logic on the Indian audience.
  
• Guest Appearances to Taste - Depends on how much you can afford. See the way in Ra.One Piggy Chops, dressed very tastefully I may add, screamed in ecstasy "Oh Yeah", "Oooh you are the king", "Come on"(porno much!?!)...if you want something like that, you'll pretty much need to sell your house and throw in a kidney or two
  
• Over-the-freaking-top-acting - Guaranteed Filmfare
  
• Some Hollywood Technician - Seriously, this will work wonders. Get a tea boy from Hollywood and in an interview say, "Mr. Howard Poopie-pants, a revered technician from Hollywood is also part of our team. He has interacted with Hollywood stars like Johnny Depp on the sets of POC!". Add a few Wikipedia articles about Mr. Howard Poopie-pants and you're done!
  
  
  And our main ingredient,
  
• Marketing - Put up posters of your film everywhere. Don't even leave out the public urinals. Android phones era, right? Create an app for your film. Smell someone's underwear. Endorse for the nariyal paani wala near your house. Sell yourself on the eBay. Whatever it takes to get people into the theater.

Just throw the above into a blender and Voila! The blockbuster of the year is ready to bash in the audience's skulls and make them want to kill themselves!!

He Who Must Not Write A.K.A. Chetan Bhagat

So, Revolution 2020 has come out. It's total bullshit. I haven't read it, of course. I have learnt my lesson after his other books. Take a look below.

So I know I should not waste 84 Rupees on Revolution 2020.

I thought that I had company when it came to hating India's most "loved" author. And I picked up that adjective from his website. So when I come across articles like these, it disturbs me. Let me clear the air shrouding the Chetan Bhagat success a little.

(The statements in bold are more or less borrowed from the article I have linked to)

His books sell lakhs of copies.

I remember crying myself to sleep after watching the movie Ready. Salman's histronics, Asin's blotchy face and the other motley characters dancing to the tunes of Salman made me suicidal. What's worse? Ready broke all box-office records. Which were in turn broken by Bodyguard. Which were in turn broken by Ra.One(I am not even going to link you to the Ra.One trailer. It has had enough promotion!). Do you see where I am going with this?

CB's books are the same.

His style of writing is indeed simple with minimum use of vocabulary.

Simple writing and minimum use of vocabulary, I can deal with. But when I read any sentence written by CB, I feel like taking a Basilisk Fang and shoving it into the book. He just uses a combination of IIT-IIM lin

go, "Indianisms", Hari/Arvind/Rahul(like Tom/Dick/Harry), verbs and connectors(like and,or,etc.). Anyone can write like him. Hari asked for a Paratha free of charge(Indianism) at dhaba(lingo) -> See?

People are able to relate to characters from his novels.

I have never been able to relate to any of the female characters in his books. Is it because they have no personality and they are poorly developed? And when I say poorly developed I mean character-wise, not looks-wise. Because his description pertaining to the physical aspects of the girl is a mind-blowing summary of what Indian men look for in women. So,

CB heroine = Fair skin + Long hair + 36-24-36 42-24-36 + Conservative outside, progressive inside + H-U-G-E libido + half-cooked backstory + crazy as shit

And how about the male characters? We have of course:
1) The Over-achiever who makes Edward Cullen look like the dirt under his shoes.
2) The Village Idiot.
3) The hero who is slightly over-weight, has no balls at all and gets the girl(though why the girl goes for him when we have Edward Cullen in the equation is totally unknown to me)

Yet his books inspire, give us hope and teach us to take risks.

True. They inspire other Indian authors to write books that should be used to start bonfires. They give hope to anyone who can string a sentence with a few words to believe that they can be authors. And they have taught people like me to take risks and buy one more CB book. Atleast I can use them as paper weights.

Funny Story: The other day, my friend and I are walking down the street and she was telling me that she wanted to read Revolution 2020. Although I did want to terminate my friendship with her at that point, I smiled and pointed towards a man who was sitting near a bedsheet laden with Revolution 2020s and other books.

Me: Bhaiyya, kitna?
Bhaiyya: 120.
Me(to my friend): Hah. We can get it for 84 Rupees on Flipkart. Come.
The man starts shouting while we walk away.
Bhaiyya: Madam, 100 mein lelo.
No response.
Bhaiyya: Achcha, 80.
No response.
Bhaiyya: 50!
No response.
Bhaiyya: Achcha Madam, 20 Rupees mein tho lelo.
We burst out laughing!

A-B-C(Part 4)

Here is the fourth and final part in my A-B-C series. Do read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 before you proceed. Hope you enjoy reading as much as I did writing :)

SJB: SJB or Silver Jubilee Hall(I know I know...the acronym doesn't make sense if it's Hall but that's how we roll)...many evenings were spent in this place. Almost all clubs would hold meetings here. Hardly any work would be done though! You could always hear giggles from Tamizh Mandram, scary techie terms from RMI, some lecture from E-cell, and a whole lot of sarcasm from the Writers' Circle. This boring concrete structure would transform into a lively venue by evening, giving the Barn competition at times.

P.S.: The abundance of bushes and insufficient lighting in front made it a popular lovers' spot.

Trichy: This series would be incomplete if I didn't mention the city that welcomed young, pure, pampered souls like us and spat out slightly older, "experienced" survivors. We didn't just have tests on technical subjects. The city, Trichy herself was an endurance test for us.

• Can you survive a 9 to 5 power cut on a Sunday when the temperature is lingering in the 40 degree range? 
• Will you take the risk of eating in Maghai(the best place for jalebis and other north-Indian delicacies) when you know very well that you will end up with food poisoning?
• Can you survive the Elephant's Kiss(the craziest cocktail served by Wild West, a cowboy theme bar in, that's right, Trichy!)?
• Will you travel all the way to Meridien just for a measly cheese omelette or Sangam for the much-celebrated Sangam breakfast(the round trip is about 5-6 hours+Trichy heat will kill you)?
• Are you ready to travel to the Rockfort temple and climb the never-ending stairs just to get a glimpse of the idol for a split second? (You promised you'd go if you passed in the lab exam.)

By the end of the first year, the answer to all these questions will be an arrogant "Yes"!

Uprisings: We had a million of them. Against the mess food, against the admin, against particular members of particular gangs, against professors, against wardens, against boys. Before the uprising begins, you have the best feeling in the world. It's anger mixed with the desire to do something. You convince other people to join. You rebel. And of course, you lose. There is the occasional win, here and there though.

Vasantham: Who wouldn't miss this temple of good food? It cropped up in our third year, in a brilliant location. By then, everyone was bored of finding insects in their food(Buhari canteen), costly crap(Snacky) and insubstantial food(Icy/Juicy). And of course, messes. So people fell back on Vasantham. Cheap and good food served by akkas who flirted with the boys and scowled at the girls - that's the dream, isn't it? :P

P.S.: All is well with Vasantham. The only problem is its proximity to my department. So while I scoffed down vadas and bitched about how the microprocessor hated me and it was plotting my downfall, the lab attendant would be 2 metres away. Ah luck.

Walking/Winter: The evenings in Trichy were heavenly to say the least. Our campus was so huge. There was quite a bit of greenery so our campus stayed relatively cool compared to the rest of the city. And the climate would be perfect to take a long walk with just an iPod for company!
I also had to mention the winter season in Trichy. It's brilliant and if that was the weather allround the year I would never want to go back home.

Clearly, I didn't think this series through before I started. I had to think for quite a long time before I came up with:
Xerox shop: This is where the action is before CTs and exams. The class topper's notes would be stuck here for an entire week. Entire semester's portions would be inked over and over again. Chants of "Anna, exam tomorrow, please anna, fast anna" and "Anna, roll call anna, please copy now anna" would be screamt over rows of students. This was probably the most profitable shop in the campus.

Yearly fests: Like all colleges, we had cultural and technical fests. Festember was our cultural fest and I never worked for it because I decided that a fest like this deserved to be enjoyed. So instead of working for it, I spent my time walking around with my friends, attending all the events and tasting food at all the food stalls. It was awesome :)
Pragyan, our techfest was the total opposite. I thought to myself "Anyway I am not intelligent enough to actually participate or enjoy any event as such. Might as well help organize it!". My association was quite eventful. That's all I'll say!
And of course, my favourite Nittfest. It was the inter-departmental fest. Somehow, how much ever you bitch about your dept when Nittfest time comes, all is forgotten and everyone will defend the honour of their dept. Our dept enjoyed working and though we were competitive, we never let it come in the way of us having fun. In fact, the farther we were from the trophy the more fun we had.

Zoo: Our campus has two zoos - one in the Lecture Hall Complex or CLC and one outside it. The one in CLC was full of artificial animals scattered in the lawn. It was pretty funny, the variety of animals we had. Deer, Peacocks, Monkeys and even a few Penguins. Penguins in South India! After a few unfortunate graffiti exhibits on these animals, students were fined for even looking at them. I know.
The one outside was more realistic, keeping in sync with the climate and all. We had cows all over the place. In the Shopping Centre, in the hostels, in the basketball ground...hell, this one time a guy found a cow sitting in his room! We also had dogs, cats, rats(the one in Opal was called Ernie), frogs and other insects. So if you are ever in your room alone, you can be sure that there will be a few insects to give you company!

P.S.: We constantly complained about the cows in the SC. Finally some action was taken and they decided to build metal dividers so that the cows cannot enter. The best part? They actually did put up those metal dividers. The worst part? The distance between any two metal dividers is the width of one cow. I know. Genius.

NITT - for all the good and bad times, you shall be missed!

Beauty

P.S.: No funnies here. This is a serious one. Hope you like it!

It was late in the morning. She stood in front of the mirror. The car was downstairs, waiting for her. She didn't care.

She was too busy admiring herself. Her jet-black hair, almond-shaped eyes, luscious lips and fantastic body had made her the envy of every woman and the desire of every man in town. And she knew it.

She picked up her toothbrush and began her routine, oblivious to the incessant honks.

---

It was a star-studded affair. She arrived fashionably late. Every head in the room turned, almost as if synchronized, when she entered the room. In her arm, she had another man. She never went out in the same dress or with the same man more than once.

She walked around the ballroom, moving effortlessly from one group to the other, talking about everything from politics to sport. That's the thing about her - she wasn't just a pretty face. She was a force to be reckoned with, on and off the catwalk.

Waiters swarmed around the room in careful, choreographed paths offering hors d'oeuvres to the guests. She picked up a few and began eating. People around her asked her how she could afford to eat when she was a top model. She gave a silvery laugh and continued to eat.

---

It was late in the night. She stood in front of the mirror. Her date was on the bed, waiting for her. She didn't care.

She took a deep breath and noticed that her stomach was slightly convex. No problem, that could be taken care of.

She picked up her toothbrush and stuck in down her throat.