Bananas, Dosas and Mallikas

I have a few points that don't merit a post by themselves, so I thought I'd put them all together. Also, I wanted to give my readers something to read. Fine fine, you caught me...I wanted to update the blog so I posted this. Now run along and read. Or better yet, read and then promote my blog y'all ;)

• Yesterday when I was in office at around 7:30 P.M.(still), I coughed. You should know that when I cough, Rajnikanth closes his ears.
  Anyway, I rushed home as fast as I could. I wanted to hit the sack as soon as possible(after eating Maggi and watching half a season of Dexter, that is). And guess what I see right next to my building?
  A cultural program(that's not so bad), where people were singing(the fuck...that guy just raped Rahman's song!) and cheap guys were standing all around(I am not even hot, what the hell is wrong with you!).
  Well, being the optimist that I am I just plugged in the earphones and watched Dexter hack a guy to death with a mallet. Ah peace.
  At about 10:30 P.M., I decided to sleep after drugging myself. I had heard somewhere that sarakku helps during a cold. But then I had weird thoughts like "What if the stuff reacts with the medicines I just took and bursts in the stomach the way Pepsi and Mentos kills people?", so I decided against it.
  There was no noise outside so I assumed the program was over. And that is when a man announced that they would be singing Kalasala Kalasala.
  
  Kalasala Kalasala Kalasala Kalasala
  Oh god no.
  Mallika is cold like a cucumber
  Pillow on face.
  My dear darling, Mallika is calling you
  Am I actually trying dance along with the song by varying my breathing patterns? STOP IT!


• This next point might get me into trouble because a lot of people related to me read this blog. But whatever. So recently I met one US return and you know how I feel about them. I tried being civil though. We went out for some good ol' South Indian breakfast and this person orders a dosa.
  And then you know what this person says? "Like, oh my god, this place is so authentic! Look how the dosa is...so authentic. Wow so messy....and so authentic". Every time that person said the word authentic with that irritating throaty tone, I wanted to wring that person's neck. But like the good girl I am, I kept quiet and inhaled two dosas faster than light.  


• Recently, I was taking the help of a superior. I was supposed to produce 2 files result1 and result2 which were strikingly similar. So I by mistake produced the same file twice and saved it as A and B What happened next is one of the funniest things that has happened to me since joining work.
  
  S: So which file is result1?
  Me: A is result1.
  S: And what is B?
  Me: result2.
  S: But looks like A and B is the same.
  Me: Nope.
  S: Wait. Look at the files. Now tell me...what is A?
  Me: result1.
  S: And B?
  Me: result....oh. It's result1 only.
  S: You watch tamizh movies?
  Me: Yeah. Why?
  S(laughing): Because this is like the vazhapazham comedy.

         Sooooo funny and embarrassing at the same time!

Players - The Review

Me: I am bored.
Amma: *Rolling her eyes* Oh, what a surprise. If you're bored, come help me in the kitchen no?
Me: Please...I am not that bored.
Amma: Fate! Idhukku oru chedi vechirindha poo aoodhu vandhurkum. Cha vaadi!(Translation: Instead of you, if I had kept a plant, at least I would've got flowers. Cha come here!)
Me: Ammaaaaaaa, I am watching something important on TV. I can't come!
Brother: Are you watching Godzilla on Sun TV?

And that is how, ladies and gentleman, I ended up in the theater to watch Players. Why anyone would watch the movie is as big a mystery as why anyone would want to see Veena Malik nude.But that's another story. So, the star power behind this script is:

Abhishek Bachchan: Playing the gay mastermind for the zth time. He plans the entire heist. He changes it whenever he wants. He wears pink shirts over orange pants with floral stoles. He is the man. And both Bipasha and Sonam are in love with him. Why do women always go for guys who aren't available?

Bobby Deol: He plays the illusionist. And what a great job he does...halfway through the movie he disappears, saving the audience a world of Bobby-related pain. For this very reason, he is my favourite character in the movie.

Sikander Kher: He appears in a dual role, playing a bomb expert and a plank of wood all at the same time! It's just not as easy as it looks, eh Mr. Kher? He is not just half-deaf in this movie. He is also half-dumb, judging by the number of dialogues he has.

Bipasha Basu: According to the trailer, she is a con artist. But I think that's a typo...she is actually the cans artist judging by the size and visibility of that rack. However, I have to admit Ms. Basu helped the director duo with their tight budget by sacrificing all her clothes. The sweetheart. Say it with me, people....Awwwwwwww!

Sonam Kapoor: Gold medalist in Computer Science? Fine. Such a good driver that she opts for circular parking instead of parallel parking(Check out 1:05-1:12)? I can accept that too. But what I cannot digest, is Sonam Kapoor's acting. She has just two expressions in the movie:

1. BFD(Before Father's Death): Happy and vomiting sunshine everywhere
2. AFD(After Father's Death): Constipation

Omi Vaidya: The comedian and the saving grace of the movie, Omi is a breath of fresh air in this otherwise stale, recycled script.

Neil Nitin Mukesh: The hacker. Although he does less of hacking and more of back-stabbing and chick-banging. After he turns villain, it's almost impossible to bear him because all he does is speak to his voice-controlled house(technology at its very ridiculous worst) in a sexy voice saying "Open the door, baby", "Next picture, baby", "Rub my neck, baby"...well, not the last one but you get the idea.

And this motley crew comes together in the following plot:

- Gold being transported from Russia to ^some place I forget^ by train

- Players get together to formulate a plan that will put Kindergarteners to shame. They get a train to run parallel to the gold train and steal the gold. By the way, the gold train has all sorts of protection. It has 3 boogies- the first and last contain horny Russian commandos(why horny? Because more than paying attention to the gold being transported, they are immersed talking to their partners) and the one in the middle contains the gold. Funny thing is the middle boogie has only 4 armed highly trained Russian commandos who are easily defeated by unarmed Abhishek's graceful ballet kick. Yup. Just THE man!

- Neil turns psycho back stabber and kills everyone. How do Abhishek, deaf guy and Omi escape after swimming in glacial water? Ah, silly viewer! The director duo has taken care of all the gaping potholes in the script by giving a scenic backdrop. So while they swim in water cold enough to yield polar bear Popsicles, the audience is shown the virgin blanket of snow in Russia.
How is it that Neil can smuggle an entire cupboard of gold easily while you have to declare that measly gold chain you're wearing at airport customs? Feast your eyes on the beautiful Auckland skyline!
How does a Russian General sing Raj Kapoor songs with ease? Shame on you...Bipasha is dancing in a costume which even Mowgli of Jungle Book wouldn't wear and you are bothered about the Russian General? Fool!

- Abhishek and his Players get the gold back from Neil. How? Sonam flaunts her assets while the rest of the Players steal the gold. They drive the most conspicuous cars in the universe(red, yellow and blue mini coopers) to transport the gold to Johnny Lever's garage.
In the process, Bipasha is shown to be in cahoots with Neil, and she is shot at the end. And Sonam shoots Neil for killing her father. Why didn't I mention the father before? Tsk tsk, don't get hung up on the technicalities.

- In his last few breaths, Neil informs the Russian mafia(whaaaaaaaaaat? I thought there was only Italian mafia!) that the Players have escaped with the gold. The mafia confront the Players who are now driving the mini coopers. When they check the  cars however, there's no gold. *GASP*
Where could it be? Here comes the final(thank the lord) twist in the story...remember that loose end about the cars being in Johnny Lever's garage? Well, he made three mini coopers of gold. Vechchaan aapu directoru!

And that is how Players provided me enough entertainment and motivation to come up with a blog post. Thank you, Abbas-Mustan. Thank you so much!

- Happy New Year to all my readers :)

Games People Play

Office is boring. Seriously. Most of my work involves waiting. Waiting for a superior to criticize my work. Waiting for lunch time to arrive. Waiting for the distraction that will occupy my team giving me the chance to escape. You get the idea! So, creative people like me find ways to pass time in office. Like:

• How many soggy Monaco biscuits can I pick up in a single draw?
  This game gets me nostalgic, teary-eyed and bad-mouthed because it reminds me of 'The Claw' game in cheesy arcades. I have never ever won anything from that game. That sucker must have swallowed half my pocket money(and my pocket money wasn't much to begin with). At least at office, these expired biscuits are for free.





• Staring at the one hot girl who is on your floor(yay)
  Thank God for small miracles. And by that I mean mini-skirts. Because let me tell you, this girl is hot. Even the women in my office cannot keep their eyes off of her. Yes, when she passes by I feel like I am choking to death because she smells like she took bath with perfume in a bathroom full of scented candles and used a towel made of rose petals, but the view compensates for it.
  Of course it is kinda awkward when your male teammate's eyes and your eyes follow Hot Girl. And unfortunately, your eyes meet and both of you are calling each other "PERVERT" in your mind. I imagine this is how guys feel about making eye contact at urinals.




•  Stalk. Stalk. Stalk. And then stalk some more.
  Stalkers these days really have it easy, I tell you. Facebook has made things so much easier.
  No more following the person around all day to know what they're doing. Your Object Of Desire(OOD) might just check in to watch Twilight:Breaking Dawn with a caption like "Team Edward xoxo"(if you still like her after all this, you suck. Geddit? Geddit? Ah forget it!).
  No more hiding in bushes to see your OOD sleeping. Her Facebook profile picture collection is enough. Who looks good when they're sleeping, anyway?




• Tab switching.
  This should just speak for itself. You can do whatever shit you want in office, as long as you don't get caught. The secret here is reflexes. Also the thumb rule is:
  
  If you want to check out Mitchell Johnson's abs,
  Make sure you have other Wikipedia/Google tabs.
  
  Pretty simple, innit? Discretion is advised in office. And you don't want your manager staring at you staring at that ripped stomach. Droooooooooooooooooooooool.

Slip ups

You know what a foot in the mouth situation is, don't you? It happens when you say or do something extremely stupid and then you realize it a minute later when you see the amused/shocked expressions on people's faces around you and then you just go on to make it worse. Well, yours truly(and my friends around me too) have been involved in many such situations. A small compilation for you to laugh at our expense!

Note: These friends haven't been notified that I am writing this stuff. So I am using initials, like I always do.

1)
Where: Rockfort Train -Trichy to Chennai
When: College, 1st year
Who: Yours Truly
What: I always wake up an hour before the train reaches the destination. You know, what with my luck with travel I figured it would be better not to wake up in the middle of the jungle and have Demento...oh that's a whole other story. Anyways, there I am sleeping and I wake up the entire compartment with my alarm. I decide to take a quick nap. Well, needless to say when I wake up I see "Mambalam" pulling away.
I grab my suitcases and go to the door and see this guy framing the door and trying to give some hero pose. I tell him to move. And he says the train's moving. So I say "DUH! Get out and help me get my luggage down!". And after muttering "Loosu. Paityam." a million times he gets off and starts running along the train. And I threw my suitcases at him. He gets in and tells me I am mad(not a new discovery, buddy). I stood there figuring out at what speed and how long I should run after I jump out the train(Physics genius, man). So I jumped.
One small hiccup...I forgot which direction to run in. I end up running in the direction opposite to the motion of the train and I fell flat on my face. And my uncle who was supposed to pick me up along with half of Chennai were there to see me sprawled spread-eagled kissing the platform. Bummer.


2)
Where: Karate Class
When: College, 2nd year
Who: R, my very close friend
What: This senior guy's teaching us some kicks, right. And he goes on to teach us the groin kick. The barn was really noisy so we couldn't really hear but once he started showing us the kick, we *ahem* knew what it was called. But not R. Nooooooo! The following conversation ensued and I swear to God it's the funniest thing I have ever heard.
R: What is it called?
S(Senior guy): Umm groin kick.
R: Oh row-end kick?(I know. I have no idea how she heard that.)
S: Yes yes groin kick.
R: So the direction of force of the kick is upwards?
S: *Getting increasingly uncomfortable at this point* Yes yes.
R: So it's used to push IT up?
All of us were like "R, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DIGGING YOUR OWN GRAVE?! SHUT UP!"
S: Uh yes it is to push it up(looking at the ceiling, floor, anywhere where we girls weren't there)
Needless to say, when we later told R what the name of the kick was, she was suicidal. It was funny for us though :P

3)
Where: My room
When: College, 2nd year
Who: Yours truly
What: You thought that only Apple users have difficulty in typing because of auto-correct? Nokia should feature in that list too, I tell you. We were giddy with power in 2nd year because we could rag juniors now. We weren't the lowest layer of scum anymore..yay! But I took ragging to another level. I was just messaging some junior girl(forgot who...but whoever it is, she must be scarred for life) to ask her to come to my room. So I type "Hey, come to my room."(I know..I'm so awesome I use commas and fullstops while typing) and I send it.
A little background information about me before I go on. People think I am gay. People call me Gay. Guess it's convenient since my name is Gaya and all. So this point is twice as funny. Moving on.
Little did I know that I had pressed the button below the one that contains the letter H. So in the end, the message read "Sex, come to my room.". I think that day I gave the word "ragging" a whole new dimension.

I'm in a relationship

Yes, people. I am in a relationship. And it sucks. Why are people so desperate to get committed, I say? Idiots all these people. And now I am one of them.
Oh you wanna know his name? Sure sure. His name is WORK. Though I do call him pain in the ass affectionately. The similarities between a boyfriend and work are striking.

• So, initially work was awesome. That is, I hardly had any. What I had was Freedom. To do what I want, when I want, how I want. Yes, in between I had to pretend like I knew stuff and read a few links here and there to impress but no huge ramifications came out of it.
  I am guessing this is what they call the honeymoon period in relationships, eh?


• Then, the whole jealous phase started. Trying to draw me away from my friends so that I pay more attention to pain in the ass. Setting "deadlines". Taking top priority by reminding me that he is the one who pays for my food.


• Getting me to question my life style.
  - Do you really think drinking that is a good idea?
  - Night show? Will you be able to wake up in time?
  - You cannot go home so soon. Important meeting. Muhahaha.

And many other similarities which I cannot remember right now because I am so bugged with pain in the ass. Of course, work does have its moments. Like this one time when I completed work before a deadline and I thought I was the next Mark Zuckerberg. Yeeeeeaaaaaah, that feeling didn't last long. Here I am before another deadline, writing rather than working because I have no idea what the frick I am working on. Now, isn't that just sad? The only thing making this worthwhile? It's the Ka-Ching. Yeah, I am such a sellout.

P.S.: Murphy's Law's favourite victim is me! I swear. The other day I was watching Eminem's Superman video. Which is probably the worst video to watch when you're in office. EVER. And suddenly I hear my manager's voice so I close the Mozilla window. Phew crisis averted. Or not. Because just then my manager looks at my laptop. And I turned to my laptop and see Eminem mounting the stupid blonde. And a pop-up from Mozilla asking me if I am sure if I want to close all 6 tabs. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.