He Who Must Not Write A.K.A. Chetan Bhagat

So, Revolution 2020 has come out. It's total bullshit. I haven't read it, of course. I have learnt my lesson after his other books. Take a look below.

So I know I should not waste 84 Rupees on Revolution 2020.

I thought that I had company when it came to hating India's most "loved" author. And I picked up that adjective from his website. So when I come across articles like these, it disturbs me. Let me clear the air shrouding the Chetan Bhagat success a little.

(The statements in bold are more or less borrowed from the article I have linked to)

His books sell lakhs of copies.

I remember crying myself to sleep after watching the movie Ready. Salman's histronics, Asin's blotchy face and the other motley characters dancing to the tunes of Salman made me suicidal. What's worse? Ready broke all box-office records. Which were in turn broken by Bodyguard. Which were in turn broken by Ra.One(I am not even going to link you to the Ra.One trailer. It has had enough promotion!). Do you see where I am going with this?

CB's books are the same.

His style of writing is indeed simple with minimum use of vocabulary.

Simple writing and minimum use of vocabulary, I can deal with. But when I read any sentence written by CB, I feel like taking a Basilisk Fang and shoving it into the book. He just uses a combination of IIT-IIM lin

go, "Indianisms", Hari/Arvind/Rahul(like Tom/Dick/Harry), verbs and connectors(like and,or,etc.). Anyone can write like him. Hari asked for a Paratha free of charge(Indianism) at dhaba(lingo) -> See?

People are able to relate to characters from his novels.

I have never been able to relate to any of the female characters in his books. Is it because they have no personality and they are poorly developed? And when I say poorly developed I mean character-wise, not looks-wise. Because his description pertaining to the physical aspects of the girl is a mind-blowing summary of what Indian men look for in women. So,

CB heroine = Fair skin + Long hair + 36-24-36 42-24-36 + Conservative outside, progressive inside + H-U-G-E libido + half-cooked backstory + crazy as shit

And how about the male characters? We have of course:
1) The Over-achiever who makes Edward Cullen look like the dirt under his shoes.
2) The Village Idiot.
3) The hero who is slightly over-weight, has no balls at all and gets the girl(though why the girl goes for him when we have Edward Cullen in the equation is totally unknown to me)

Yet his books inspire, give us hope and teach us to take risks.

True. They inspire other Indian authors to write books that should be used to start bonfires. They give hope to anyone who can string a sentence with a few words to believe that they can be authors. And they have taught people like me to take risks and buy one more CB book. Atleast I can use them as paper weights.

Funny Story: The other day, my friend and I are walking down the street and she was telling me that she wanted to read Revolution 2020. Although I did want to terminate my friendship with her at that point, I smiled and pointed towards a man who was sitting near a bedsheet laden with Revolution 2020s and other books.

Me: Bhaiyya, kitna?
Bhaiyya: 120.
Me(to my friend): Hah. We can get it for 84 Rupees on Flipkart. Come.
The man starts shouting while we walk away.
Bhaiyya: Madam, 100 mein lelo.
No response.
Bhaiyya: Achcha, 80.
No response.
Bhaiyya: 50!
No response.
Bhaiyya: Achcha Madam, 20 Rupees mein tho lelo.
We burst out laughing!

A-B-C(Part 4)

Here is the fourth and final part in my A-B-C series. Do read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 before you proceed. Hope you enjoy reading as much as I did writing :)

SJB: SJB or Silver Jubilee Hall(I know I know...the acronym doesn't make sense if it's Hall but that's how we roll)...many evenings were spent in this place. Almost all clubs would hold meetings here. Hardly any work would be done though! You could always hear giggles from Tamizh Mandram, scary techie terms from RMI, some lecture from E-cell, and a whole lot of sarcasm from the Writers' Circle. This boring concrete structure would transform into a lively venue by evening, giving the Barn competition at times.

P.S.: The abundance of bushes and insufficient lighting in front made it a popular lovers' spot.

Trichy: This series would be incomplete if I didn't mention the city that welcomed young, pure, pampered souls like us and spat out slightly older, "experienced" survivors. We didn't just have tests on technical subjects. The city, Trichy herself was an endurance test for us.

• Can you survive a 9 to 5 power cut on a Sunday when the temperature is lingering in the 40 degree range? 
• Will you take the risk of eating in Maghai(the best place for jalebis and other north-Indian delicacies) when you know very well that you will end up with food poisoning?
• Can you survive the Elephant's Kiss(the craziest cocktail served by Wild West, a cowboy theme bar in, that's right, Trichy!)?
• Will you travel all the way to Meridien just for a measly cheese omelette or Sangam for the much-celebrated Sangam breakfast(the round trip is about 5-6 hours+Trichy heat will kill you)?
• Are you ready to travel to the Rockfort temple and climb the never-ending stairs just to get a glimpse of the idol for a split second? (You promised you'd go if you passed in the lab exam.)

By the end of the first year, the answer to all these questions will be an arrogant "Yes"!

Uprisings: We had a million of them. Against the mess food, against the admin, against particular members of particular gangs, against professors, against wardens, against boys. Before the uprising begins, you have the best feeling in the world. It's anger mixed with the desire to do something. You convince other people to join. You rebel. And of course, you lose. There is the occasional win, here and there though.

Vasantham: Who wouldn't miss this temple of good food? It cropped up in our third year, in a brilliant location. By then, everyone was bored of finding insects in their food(Buhari canteen), costly crap(Snacky) and insubstantial food(Icy/Juicy). And of course, messes. So people fell back on Vasantham. Cheap and good food served by akkas who flirted with the boys and scowled at the girls - that's the dream, isn't it? :P

P.S.: All is well with Vasantham. The only problem is its proximity to my department. So while I scoffed down vadas and bitched about how the microprocessor hated me and it was plotting my downfall, the lab attendant would be 2 metres away. Ah luck.

Walking/Winter: The evenings in Trichy were heavenly to say the least. Our campus was so huge. There was quite a bit of greenery so our campus stayed relatively cool compared to the rest of the city. And the climate would be perfect to take a long walk with just an iPod for company!
I also had to mention the winter season in Trichy. It's brilliant and if that was the weather allround the year I would never want to go back home.

Clearly, I didn't think this series through before I started. I had to think for quite a long time before I came up with:
Xerox shop: This is where the action is before CTs and exams. The class topper's notes would be stuck here for an entire week. Entire semester's portions would be inked over and over again. Chants of "Anna, exam tomorrow, please anna, fast anna" and "Anna, roll call anna, please copy now anna" would be screamt over rows of students. This was probably the most profitable shop in the campus.

Yearly fests: Like all colleges, we had cultural and technical fests. Festember was our cultural fest and I never worked for it because I decided that a fest like this deserved to be enjoyed. So instead of working for it, I spent my time walking around with my friends, attending all the events and tasting food at all the food stalls. It was awesome :)
Pragyan, our techfest was the total opposite. I thought to myself "Anyway I am not intelligent enough to actually participate or enjoy any event as such. Might as well help organize it!". My association was quite eventful. That's all I'll say!
And of course, my favourite Nittfest. It was the inter-departmental fest. Somehow, how much ever you bitch about your dept when Nittfest time comes, all is forgotten and everyone will defend the honour of their dept. Our dept enjoyed working and though we were competitive, we never let it come in the way of us having fun. In fact, the farther we were from the trophy the more fun we had.

Zoo: Our campus has two zoos - one in the Lecture Hall Complex or CLC and one outside it. The one in CLC was full of artificial animals scattered in the lawn. It was pretty funny, the variety of animals we had. Deer, Peacocks, Monkeys and even a few Penguins. Penguins in South India! After a few unfortunate graffiti exhibits on these animals, students were fined for even looking at them. I know.
The one outside was more realistic, keeping in sync with the climate and all. We had cows all over the place. In the Shopping Centre, in the hostels, in the basketball ground...hell, this one time a guy found a cow sitting in his room! We also had dogs, cats, rats(the one in Opal was called Ernie), frogs and other insects. So if you are ever in your room alone, you can be sure that there will be a few insects to give you company!

P.S.: We constantly complained about the cows in the SC. Finally some action was taken and they decided to build metal dividers so that the cows cannot enter. The best part? They actually did put up those metal dividers. The worst part? The distance between any two metal dividers is the width of one cow. I know. Genius.

NITT - for all the good and bad times, you shall be missed!

Beauty

P.S.: No funnies here. This is a serious one. Hope you like it!

It was late in the morning. She stood in front of the mirror. The car was downstairs, waiting for her. She didn't care.

She was too busy admiring herself. Her jet-black hair, almond-shaped eyes, luscious lips and fantastic body had made her the envy of every woman and the desire of every man in town. And she knew it.

She picked up her toothbrush and began her routine, oblivious to the incessant honks.

---

It was a star-studded affair. She arrived fashionably late. Every head in the room turned, almost as if synchronized, when she entered the room. In her arm, she had another man. She never went out in the same dress or with the same man more than once.

She walked around the ballroom, moving effortlessly from one group to the other, talking about everything from politics to sport. That's the thing about her - she wasn't just a pretty face. She was a force to be reckoned with, on and off the catwalk.

Waiters swarmed around the room in careful, choreographed paths offering hors d'oeuvres to the guests. She picked up a few and began eating. People around her asked her how she could afford to eat when she was a top model. She gave a silvery laugh and continued to eat.

---

It was late in the night. She stood in front of the mirror. Her date was on the bed, waiting for her. She didn't care.

She took a deep breath and noticed that her stomach was slightly convex. No problem, that could be taken care of.

She picked up her toothbrush and stuck in down her throat.

Friday

Sing to the tune of Rebecca Black's Friday :P


[Morning Verse]

(Aiyoo, Yaaaaaaawnnn)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah *knock*
Yeah, yeah *knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock knock*
Yeah, yeah, yeah I am AWAKE

7am, waking up in the morning
Opening the door for the maid,
Sleeping a little more till the alarm goes crazy,
Gonna get late again, Gonna get stuck in traffic,
Gotta take a bath in the freezing cold water,
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see the conductor (The conductor)

Flatulent lady in the front seat
Lecherous man in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?


[Chorus]

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta go Chennai on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ outta office early on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin’ (No)
Sleepin', sleepin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend


[Evening Verse]

3:45, packing up my bag
Cruisin’ so fast, my colleagues don't see me
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
Making hurried plans,
My friend is by my right
We are running around,
Thinking where to go

280 rupees for Chocolate Daiquri
330 rupees for Apple Daiquiri
Gotta make my mind up
Which one can I take?


[Chorus]

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get sloshed on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ totally out on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

P.S.: I was really bored.

Ero*ica

She stands last in the line,
Unassuming, looking so damn fine,
No one else gives her a look-see,
And so by default, she belonged to me.

I walked up to her, feeling quite unsure,
What if she turned out to be a big bore?
I picked her up and we went to a quiet place,
I could not stop staring at her face.

She looked pristine, brittle and mellow,
Dressed in white and a subtle yellow,
With specks of black here and there,
I had to handle her with tender care.

I dared to slowly caress her,
She liked it, she did not deter,
Her soft exterior blew my mind,
Her body took shapes, undefined.

And as I bent down to take a taste,
My inane thoughts were replaced,
And I knew there was only one thing to do,
Scream out in ecstasy, "Pongal, I love you"!

P.S.: Pongal is an extremely delicious rice preparation. No one really likes it because it is over-shadowed by popular dishes such as dosa or vada. Although after reading something so weird, I don't think anyone would ever want to eat pongal again...ever :P
Btw my love affair with pongal began in college. And I still love it.

The Housewife

Quiz: Are you a housewife?

• You are taking a casual stroll in the local supermarket and you see that potatoes are 30 Rupees/kilo. You:
  
  
  1. Push away at least 3 aunties, grab the plastic bag and start selecting spuds in a manner similar to the guy at the beginning of the 300 spoof selecting babies. 
  2. Meh. You can get them later. You don't want to stand behind that weird female who ran towards them like the wind anyways.
  
  
• Your friends make a plan to watch Mere Brother Ki Dulhan and then go out for a pizza. When they invite you, you:
  
  
  1. Ditch them. You don't want to watch Imran Khan on screen and drool because it makes you feel like a pedophile. And pizza has become boring. Besides, you're in the mood for Upma and 90210.
  2. Wish that the movie was in 3D. You also skimp on the popcorn so that you can properly hog the pizza.
  
  
• You pick up a plate from the shelf and you see that the servant has missed a spot. How do you react?
  
  
  1. Wash last night's curry off the plate using half a Vim bar, obsess over it for hours and think of having a talk with the servant(and then chuck it. What if the servant gets angry and leaves the job? Where are you going to find another servant? The horror!).
  2. What spot?
  
  
• You enter the mall and you head off to:
  
  
  1. More/Nilgiris/Any departmental store of course! They have a big sale and you had brought along your Sodexos!! Best day ever!!! Too many exclamation marks!!!!
  2. CCD.
  
  
• There are some old newspapers lying around the house. You:
  
  
  1. Paper your shelves with them and keep the rest for spreading on the table while eating. That way you won't have debris lying on the table. Pretty smart, huh?
  2. Throw them. Or let them be. It's not like they're bothering you. Whatevs.


• Are you actually taking this quiz?
  
  
  1. Yes.
  2. No.

If you selected:
Mostly 1s: You are a true blue housewife. Go now...your sambar is bubbling on the stove.
Mostly 2s: Congrats! You still have a life! Unlike the author of this piece, who incidentally chose only 1s.

Life Relearned in Bangalore

You might have guessed by now that I am a software engineer. Which means I stay in Bangalore. It has been 3 months since I landed here and I have learned a few things, mostly useless ones, about this place.

1. You know how a footpath says to you, "Come hither, pedestrian! Thou shall be safe with me."? Well, in Bangalore it says "GET OFF!!! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!!!" because motor cycles, bikes and pretty much anything with two wheels+enough  horsepower to kill you will share the footpath with you. So you're safer walking on the road. The traffic never moves here anyways.
   
   
2. Auto drivers are extremely talkative here. This one driver looked at the poster of the movie Force and asked me if John Abraham goes to the gym regularly. Another one asked me if I was on Facebook, where I was from, which area in Chennai, my flat number, and which flat from the adjacent building provided a clear view of me sleeping. Well not the last one, but you get the idea.
   
   
3. The South Indian fare here is extremely different from Tamilian food. For one thing, their sambar can easily be confused with a sweet dish. The different kinds of chutneys available here are white, white, and white. Did I mention white? And their dosas are minuscule. I could pack two of those in a single Ghee Roast from Saravana Bhavan.
   P.S.: Did you know that dosas were invented in Karnataka? Well if they invented it, Tamil Nadu made it better.
   
   
4. My call register has only one number: Amma. My greetings have changed from "Hi" to:
   
   • How do you make sambar rice?
   • Are you sure I cannot put potato in this also?
   • It tastes horrible, Amma!
   
   
5. Wherever I go, I increase the AQ(Aunty Quotient) of that place. Because the girls here are extremely hot. I myself cannot stop staring so I cannot blame the male population of Bangalore for being open-mouthed most of the time.
   P.S.: Recently when I was on the train, there was one kid in my compartment. His finger was permanently stuck in his nose. And then he comes up to me, keeps his hand on my dress and calls me Aunty. I stopped myself from throwing him off the train.
   
   
6. Although I love stepping into puddles, I have stopped doing that with the puddle right in front of my building. The owner downstairs has a dog. And that puddle, I realized, might not be water.