I KEEL YOU!

My friends, R and R, have come up with a name for my anti-friendly alter-ego...SK mode(Serial Killer Mode). The moment my forehead creases, my teeth clench and my eyes fixate, both the Rs sing "Gaya has gone to SK mode!!". And when SK mode takes over, I swear I KEEL YOU. When does SK mode take over exactly? Read on.

Note1: I KEEL YOU will be abbreviated to IKU.

Note2: This post is subject to additions!

1) If you call me "Sir" on the phone once more...IKU.

When I was 13, I called up this girl and her mom picked up. Instead of handing the phone over to L, she started asking L why a boy was calling and if I was her boyfriend. Once L explained that I was a girl, L, L's mother and I had a hearty laugh(or guffaw, in my case). At that time, it was downright hilarious. Now, it is plain bugging. It happened today with the Dominos guy on the phone(again).

Me: Hi I would like to place an order.

DG: Yes, sir. Can I have your name?

Me: Umm, I am a girl. My name is Gayathri.

DG: Ok, Mister Gayathri, what is your order?

Really? Mr. Gayathri? Asshole, have you ever met a man named GAYATHRI? And though I disclosed my gender before my name, you still called me MISTER GAYATHRI?

2) If you tell me about your love story/unrequited love, IKU.

What is it with people thinking I am even slightly interested in hearing their love stories? I have no inclination to listen to your pining and whining. Seriously, you shallow boy bitch, I am NOT interested in hearing about the girl you swear you're in "love" with though you hardly know her.

Note: This point doesn't apply to my friends. I love hearing about their love stories :)

3) If you(auto driver) demand more money than necessary...IKU.

This is dedicated to the auto drivers of Chennai. I have really come to appreciate this city but the one thing I hate is the auto driver. His excuses for charging exorbitant fares are unbelievable:

- "Night/Morning/Afternoon time ma" - then when is a good time to drive, pray tell me?

- "Petrol Price Hike ma" - Idiot. All over India there's a price hike and only you charge Rupees 10 extra per km?

- "One way ma. Suthi poonum" - Come on!!!

And you know what the worst part is? If they see you coming out of Sathyam/Express Avenue/any other mall, they charge even more. Fools!

4) If you send me a friend request without knowing me, IKU.

It's not even like I have a display pic of Hiedi Klum! My own stupid picture on Facebook still garners friend requests from sad people. I have put down few of the "gems" I received.

- Chat me - What?

- Hiiiiiiiiii. Your profile pic is very funny. Lollllllllzzz add me! - Ass, laugh at the pic and then get lost.

- Hai. Myself Mr. *****. I looking for frendship with nice, housely girl. You want to make frendship with me? - Mr. *****, learn English first.

Dad+Mom=?

You know how every child is in some way a combination of its parents? And I am not just talking about looks...I am talking about the personality. I guess along with their gene they also pass on their idiosyncrasies. So I was thinking, am I the Z to my parents' X and Y? And after careful analysis, I have come to the conclusion that I am nothing like them. If you are totally jobless then you can keep reading!

-> I am totally careless with money.

I am not spendthrift. There's a difference. I just don't know where my money is. Over the years, I have found money in places unimaginable. Wedged into the CD drive of my laptop, stashed away in small purses that I have millions of but have no idea about their whereabouts, pressed between books long forgotten - I have a knack. Appa, on the other hand, is an ultra-organized person who knows each and every note in his wallet - to the extent that when I once took out a 10 Dirham note from his wallet(with full intention of telling him later, really), he knew it was missing.

-> I do not study much.

Seriously I Don't. Of course, I study right before an exam. But people never believed me in school because of my marks(which were good at that time). Only my friends knew! In college, obviously people knew I didn't study...hostel after all! But my dad was, and still is a huge nerd. He has narrated stories of him studying under the streetlights when the power would go out for hours, coming state first in -some exam, I forgot :P -, studying his elder brother's notes as well as his own notes - I know, right!?! Well he tells these stories with the intention to inspire but I just end up thinking, "Wow...you are such a nerd" :P

-> I cannot cook.

Well I cannot cook well. I mean I know the bare minimum like toast, Maggi, tea and even those turn out to be burnt most of the time. But my parents are awesome at cooking. Amma can whip up a feast in a matter of minutes. And she has tried to teach me but I always dismiss her with an argument about how she wants me to learn cooking just because I am a girl, blah blah blah. Feminist statements FTW!

-> I suck at speaking any language other than English.

I am from Palakkad. So I speak Mallu-sounding Tamizh. Actually, I think it sounds quite okay. But my friends mistake me for a stand-up comedienne whenever I open my mouth and speak Tamizh. And when I speak Hindi, my friends think I sound like the female in this video. On the other hand, my mom speaks English, Tamizh, Hindi, Malayalam, Gujrati, Marathi and Punjabi with relative ease. Appa speaks English, Tamizh, Malayalam and limited Hindi(after every word he adds a 'Yaar'/'Bhai' which he pronounces as 'Bai').

A post longer than this is guaranteed boredom, so those of you who are still reading this line, thank you :)