The Big Fat (South) Indian Wedding - Part 1

I hate attending Marriages- no really, hear me out! Every time my dad opens up an envelope that's got kumkumam(not the "very" educative weekly magazine, mind you - I'm talking about the red powder that signifies unavailability/marital status of a woman) and the Indian God of Prosperity on the rich creamy white background, I, for a moment, am blinded by the very thought of the garish outfits and gravity-defying jewellery adorned by paatis, maamis, perimmas, cousins. Not to mention the thought of my mom and other perimmas, paatis...(refer above) holding out heavy ornaments and chanting "JOIN USSSSS...". That seriously is straight out of a scene out of an alien invasion movie or something!


Anyhoo, this time it was my cousin X's wedding. Now, to get to the "town"(when I say town, I mean village) where she was to get married, we had to travel in an unbelievably stinky, slow train, which I love as much as the next guy, really.
Now as you know, in a train there's the lower berth, middle berth and upper berth. Along with this you have the side lower and side upper. My personal favourite is the side lower, for the obvious reason that I can orient myself in two directions. The lower berth is okay because that way I'm closer to my luggage. You see, stories of train thefts have freaked me out to such an extent that I cannot bear the thought of tearing my eyes away from my luggage. I usually prefer to get one of the above mentioned berths and not the complement of this set.
Considering we were travelling in a pack, this is how the berths are divided(for the sake of simplicity, most male and female family members shall be referred to as "Maama" and "Maami"):

EDM(Extremely Dominating Maami): Aiyyo(Uh-oh), ennaku(for me) back pain irruku(is there). Ennaku(for me) lower berth thaan(only) venum(want)!

ARM(America Return Maama - went for bout 6 months to visit his "look Indian but act American" kids): Oh very hot la(isn't it)? AC-la(in) book panneerkalam-o(should have booked-o)?(all this including the tamil words with a put-on accent!).

I always wonder about these put-on accents. Many thoughts regarding these wander in my mind in a nomadic manner when ARMs are talking to me.

• Firstly, how do they develop these accents? I mean they've stayed in India all their life and then in a matter of years, nay, months, they are, how do I put this, "American-ized"!
• Secondly, they name random places to show that they've "Been There, Done That". For the love of God!

So between all the EDMs and ARMs all the good berths are taken, and the kozhanthaigal(children) are left with the crappy ones. Again among the children there's the tedious process of assignment of berths. With respect to age and all that, the older children get to select the berths they want. Being the second youngest in the family, the worst one usually comes to me - like a side upper. Damn, I wish my parents had planned my date of birth better!

Travelling is usually the time I catch up on my reading. Reading is considered a "boring" habit by my other cousins, bless their ignorance. This is the time they catch up on playing cards. I personally have nothing against card games, but I have the worst memory ever! So if I ever play with them, they need to explain the game before I join in(which has lead to me being called "Ass" while playing, whaddya know, Ass). Funny thing is, I usually end up winning at the end :D(which has lead to me being called "Bluff" too ;) ).

Time to eat. Now I'm expecting to buy at least three of the, oh I don't know, how many ever Lays flavours that exist. But Noooooo....EDMs have pre-planned and brought along puliogarai(tamarind rice), thair sadam(curd rice) and even naarthangai(extremely sour pickle whose ingredients I've no idea about). Right about now, my expression is one of disgust.

Me: But amma, I HATE curd rice!

Amma: Okay, just have the -

ERM(cuts in): Ennadu(What)? Ponnu-aa(girl) irundhundu(being) stubborn-a irrukai(you are)?

I do not understand how gender has anything to do with food preferences, but that's how it is at home. At this point I'm like "Fine...Whatever" and I take the curd rice in a banana leaf, pretend to eat it for a while, and then finally just eat it. Ewwww infinity.

Finally, night falls. Gonna take another 6 hours at least to reach, without including the delay, that is. I climb onto my side upper berth and descend into a disturbed sleep. Oh god, I'm so tired and this is just the beginning!