Well, Ra.One has raked in the big bucks. And I mean BIG bucks all over the world. This movie has brought Bollywood "on par" with Hollywood - now isn't that what we want?
Anyhoo, considering that there are many horrible movies coming up in Bollywood(think Himesh Reshammiya's/Akshay Kumar's upcoming ventures), I decided to rescue the fate of Bollywood, G.One style! I have the foolproof recipe to prepare a blockbuster. Film makers, take notice!
Ingredients
- 1 Hero - And I am talking about a manly hero, through and through. In the real sense of the word, you know. With shaped eyebrows, botoxed skin, make-up to cover the wrinkles, and last but not the least, a 6-pack. Because a hero isn't a hero till his stomach looks like a Hershey's chocolate bar
- 1 Heroine - Buxom, should smile and shy away quite a bit, has a slight hint of ambition but gives it all up to support the hero, should dance and sing AND drop clothes(in a foreign location) when a song comes on
- 1 Villain - Should be bald and have a better body than the hero, should have tattoos or piercings(because nothing else effectively screams bad guy), should kidnap someone close to hero
- 1 Rich Guy - Should have straight hair, should wear suits(preferably with colours and materials such aluminium foil and animal prints), should have sold his soul to the devil. This character can also be combined with the villain's character sometimes
- 1 Kid - Should have the illusion of innocence. Note how I say illusion here. He can openly cuss, insult elders, etc. as long as his height is under 5 feet and he drinks Horlicks in the morning
- A Pinch of Racist Humour - Where will Bollywood go with this kind of humour? The answer is: It will go places. Seriously, just throw in an over-enthusiastic, overweight Punjaabi/a Tamilian(or Mallu or Telugu...doesn't matter. In the end, we are all Madrasis anyway) saying Aiyyo before and after every word/an Assamese being mistaken for a foreigner and you are set to go
- 1 Item Song - It doesn't even have to be that good. Just make sure everyone in the song covers only 10% of their body and the heroine's face is stuck mid-orgasm. That is all.
- Absolutely No Logic - Everyone knows that when watching Bollywood films, they should leave their brains at home. So don't waste logic on the Indian audience.
- Guest Appearances to Taste - Depends on how much you can afford. See the way in Ra.One Piggy Chops, dressed very tastefully I may add, screamed in ecstasy "Oh Yeah", "Oooh you are the king", "Come on"(porno much!?!)...if you want something like that, you'll pretty much need to sell your house and throw in a kidney or two
- Over-the-freaking-top-acting - Guaranteed Filmfare
- Some Hollywood Technician - Seriously, this will work wonders. Get a tea boy from Hollywood and in an interview say, "Mr. Howard Poopie-pants, a revered technician from Hollywood is also part of our team. He has interacted with Hollywood stars like Johnny Depp on the sets of POC!". Add a few Wikipedia articles about Mr. Howard Poopie-pants and you're done!
And our main ingredient,
- Marketing - Put up posters of your film everywhere. Don't even leave out the public urinals. Android phones era, right? Create an app for your film. Smell someone's underwear. Endorse for the nariyal paani wala near your house. Sell yourself on the eBay. Whatever it takes to get people into the theater.
Just throw the above into a blender and Voila! The blockbuster of the year is ready to bash in the audience's skulls and make them want to kill themselves!!
