Get Married, Get Pregnant, Get a life!

As Sarika was smoothing her hair furiously with both hands at 6 in the morning, her mother started screaming from the other room asking her to hurry up. And what was she doing at 6 in the morning? Going for a family function. Why are these functions always at ungodly hours! And let's not forget that Tamil Brahmins have as many functions as Paris Hilton's boyfriend count.

At the function

All Female Family Members(AFFM): "Aiyyo, look at you...you look SO plain! Why are you wearing such a plain shalwar? Moonji la powder kudi illa(you haven't slathered your face with powder in an attempt to look fair so that guys will notice you)."

S: "Oh thank you...nice to see you too."

AFFM: "Your neck and your hands? Cha cha onnumme illai(it's as bare as Winnie the Pooh). Where is the gold chain that your father bought for you?"

S: "I have no idea. Besides it is not my marriage. And I hate gold."

AFFM: *GASP*"How can you hate gold being a Tamilian ponnu? And you have to get married in one year...you should start collecting gold now!"

S: "Collect gold for what? Will the guy I marry be collecting gold for me?"

AFFM: "Ollaradhe(stop talking like the actor Vijay/Salman). You are the girl, you have to collect gold. And one year isn't enough time."

S: "I am NOT getting married in one year. I have just started working. I need to work atleast for 3 years. There's so much I have to do."

AFFM: *cue gasp again*"Wha...? That means you will be 25. THEN only you'll marry? Enna nee paati aayitu thaan kalyanum pannipaiya(you be too old, bitch)? All Tamil Brahmin, IIT-IIM, USA-green-card-holding, non-drinking, non-smoking boys will be taken."

S: "So?"

AFFM: "Enna so? 25 marriage means by the time you have a child you will be 26. Chi chi romba late(do it do it do it now)."

S: *silent but thinking. I will get married at 25. And give birth to a kid at 26. That leaves just 3 months for...*

AFFM: "...and he is so nice. In fact he is right here. You want to meet him? You know he has just finished engineering!"

S: "So have a million other guys. I'll go meeting all of them or what?"

AFFM: *turning a deaf year to Sarika*" See? See that boy standing there? He only. Puddichidha(like him)?"

S: "He looks as straight as a kurkure."

AFFM: "What?"

Note: Any resemblance to characters alive or dead, is purely co-incidental.

I KEEL YOU!

My friends, R and R, have come up with a name for my anti-friendly alter-ego...SK mode(Serial Killer Mode). The moment my forehead creases, my teeth clench and my eyes fixate, both the Rs sing "Gaya has gone to SK mode!!". And when SK mode takes over, I swear I KEEL YOU. When does SK mode take over exactly? Read on.

Note1: I KEEL YOU will be abbreviated to IKU.

Note2: This post is subject to additions!

1) If you call me "Sir" on the phone once more...IKU.

When I was 13, I called up this girl and her mom picked up. Instead of handing the phone over to L, she started asking L why a boy was calling and if I was her boyfriend. Once L explained that I was a girl, L, L's mother and I had a hearty laugh(or guffaw, in my case). At that time, it was downright hilarious. Now, it is plain bugging. It happened today with the Dominos guy on the phone(again).

Me: Hi I would like to place an order.

DG: Yes, sir. Can I have your name?

Me: Umm, I am a girl. My name is Gayathri.

DG: Ok, Mister Gayathri, what is your order?

Really? Mr. Gayathri? Asshole, have you ever met a man named GAYATHRI? And though I disclosed my gender before my name, you still called me MISTER GAYATHRI?

2) If you tell me about your love story/unrequited love, IKU.

What is it with people thinking I am even slightly interested in hearing their love stories? I have no inclination to listen to your pining and whining. Seriously, you shallow boy bitch, I am NOT interested in hearing about the girl you swear you're in "love" with though you hardly know her.

Note: This point doesn't apply to my friends. I love hearing about their love stories :)

3) If you(auto driver) demand more money than necessary...IKU.

This is dedicated to the auto drivers of Chennai. I have really come to appreciate this city but the one thing I hate is the auto driver. His excuses for charging exorbitant fares are unbelievable:

- "Night/Morning/Afternoon time ma" - then when is a good time to drive, pray tell me?

- "Petrol Price Hike ma" - Idiot. All over India there's a price hike and only you charge Rupees 10 extra per km?

- "One way ma. Suthi poonum" - Come on!!!

And you know what the worst part is? If they see you coming out of Sathyam/Express Avenue/any other mall, they charge even more. Fools!

4) If you send me a friend request without knowing me, IKU.

It's not even like I have a display pic of Hiedi Klum! My own stupid picture on Facebook still garners friend requests from sad people. I have put down few of the "gems" I received.

- Chat me - What?

- Hiiiiiiiiii. Your profile pic is very funny. Lollllllllzzz add me! - Ass, laugh at the pic and then get lost.

- Hai. Myself Mr. *****. I looking for frendship with nice, housely girl. You want to make frendship with me? - Mr. *****, learn English first.

Dad+Mom=?

You know how every child is in some way a combination of its parents? And I am not just talking about looks...I am talking about the personality. I guess along with their gene they also pass on their idiosyncrasies. So I was thinking, am I the Z to my parents' X and Y? And after careful analysis, I have come to the conclusion that I am nothing like them. If you are totally jobless then you can keep reading!

-> I am totally careless with money.

I am not spendthrift. There's a difference. I just don't know where my money is. Over the years, I have found money in places unimaginable. Wedged into the CD drive of my laptop, stashed away in small purses that I have millions of but have no idea about their whereabouts, pressed between books long forgotten - I have a knack. Appa, on the other hand, is an ultra-organized person who knows each and every note in his wallet - to the extent that when I once took out a 10 Dirham note from his wallet(with full intention of telling him later, really), he knew it was missing.

-> I do not study much.

Seriously I Don't. Of course, I study right before an exam. But people never believed me in school because of my marks(which were good at that time). Only my friends knew! In college, obviously people knew I didn't study...hostel after all! But my dad was, and still is a huge nerd. He has narrated stories of him studying under the streetlights when the power would go out for hours, coming state first in -some exam, I forgot :P -, studying his elder brother's notes as well as his own notes - I know, right!?! Well he tells these stories with the intention to inspire but I just end up thinking, "Wow...you are such a nerd" :P

-> I cannot cook.

Well I cannot cook well. I mean I know the bare minimum like toast, Maggi, tea and even those turn out to be burnt most of the time. But my parents are awesome at cooking. Amma can whip up a feast in a matter of minutes. And she has tried to teach me but I always dismiss her with an argument about how she wants me to learn cooking just because I am a girl, blah blah blah. Feminist statements FTW!

-> I suck at speaking any language other than English.

I am from Palakkad. So I speak Mallu-sounding Tamizh. Actually, I think it sounds quite okay. But my friends mistake me for a stand-up comedienne whenever I open my mouth and speak Tamizh. And when I speak Hindi, my friends think I sound like the female in this video. On the other hand, my mom speaks English, Tamizh, Hindi, Malayalam, Gujrati, Marathi and Punjabi with relative ease. Appa speaks English, Tamizh, Malayalam and limited Hindi(after every word he adds a 'Yaar'/'Bhai' which he pronounces as 'Bai').

A post longer than this is guaranteed boredom, so those of you who are still reading this line, thank you :)

Not-so-family Movies

The following situation would have occured to you atleast once: A chartbuster song starts flashing on Channel V/ M TV/ VH1. And as all videos nowadays have, how do I put this, bootylicious babes dressed in handkerchiefs. But hey, it's the song I want, not the girls. And then, louder than the song I hear something else. Footsteps..Parents Alert. Hurriedly, I reach for the remote and change the channel to something more appropriate. Atleast, with the TV, you've the option of changing channels...imagine sitting in a theatre, next to your parents, watching the same video, magnified gazillion times and all you can do is sheepishly look away. So I have painstakingly compiled a list of movies that put me through the above torture.


Side note before I begin: I didn't want to just start writing about the movie. I wanted to put up a picture of the movie first and THEN start writing about the movie. But my laptop is super slow. So I cannot even upload one microscopic thumbnail without my laptop seizing up. Oh yes you can ask me why we haven't got it looked at yet. My dad's response for that is "You're a computer engineer...you should know what is wrong with it!". Pfft...as if.

Chronologically ordered:

-> Titanic(1997)

I was born on a nice, rainy Thursday in the fine year of 1989. Which means I was in 4th grade when I went to watch Titanic(atleast I think I was). With my dear parents. And as much as I love them, which is a lot, I have to admit that they have the most annoying habit of staring at me(or my brother) when something uncomfortable comes on screen. So why I ask you, Rose...why did you have to lie naked with just the stupid blue rock on? Why did you have to do "stuff" in the misty misty car? I hate you, and I wish you had drowned instead of Jack. Ooooh Jack :D

-> Munnabhai M.B.B.S.(2003) - the one I bought from a dealer of pirated CDs

Confused? We got this CD...alright alright, the pirated copy. And so we are all laughing after the first half of the movie thinking, "Wow, this is wholesome entertainment for the entire family" and we put in the next CD. And it's not Munnabhai M.B.B.S. It is American Pie. And there are these female "cops" with all kinds of contraptions. Yeah, that was pretty disturbing.

-> Aitraaz(2004)

Akshay Kumar and Priyanka Chopra just had to get it on wherever and whenever they wanted to. And her dialogues have haunted me ever since. Yes it was pretty weird to have your mom watching you out of the corner of her eye while you are watching your mom out of the corner of your eye. Complex.

-> Salaam Namaste(2005)

Sometimes I dig my own grave. Guess who suggested we should go out as a family and watch this movie? Yes, it is me, the one and only. They're in a living relationship. I should have guessed before that there would be...umm...boinking! Although the highlight was when Preity was preggers and my brother asked me why her stomach was so big. I gracefully exchanged seats with him and switched him over to my mom.

-> Kambhakt Ishq(2009)

I loved Pammal K Sambandham. Not as much as Panchathanthiram or Chachi 420, but it still had pockets of humour. However, Kambhakt Ishq was just painful to watch. First, can someone explain to me how Kareena has the time to moonlight as a model when she is a med student? Second, Akshay Kumar. Third(yes my second point was just two words), the swimsuit scene, the songs, the skimpy outfits and the general eating-face scenes were plain annoying.

-> Saath Khoon Maaf(2011)

Yeah it is disturbing alright. Especially when you are sitting next to your mom and watching the movie. Priyanka Chopra should seriously kill herself for putting me through that torture.

How to show people you're in a relationship 101

Did you just get committed? Did you just find the love of your life? Did you just fall in true love for the 7th time? Well, congratulations you nail-filing, Edward-Cullen-loving, I-think-Taylor-Swift-rocks dumbass. Now that you're in "relationship" how exactly do you let your second cousin, twice removed's husband's mother's aunt know? This is where I come to your rescue. I have come up with a collection of tips just for you! Ready? Let the education begin!

• Walk together...in any dimly lit areas that you can find. Just like in the image below. This will force even disinterested people to linger.
  

• Walk together...in brightly lit public places and indulge in heavy PDA. Yes, it is extremely important that you do it!
• When someone walks by you, move away from your partner noticeably and look down or just ignore the other person.
  
• Girls, this one is for you. Situation: you're out with "your man" in a restaurant. What do you do? Answer: Do not eat...nibble/peck/say you're full after eating a noodle.
• Restaurant scene again - you could try eating from the same plate. That's a move guaranteed to nauseate.
• Write a note professing your love to your love on Facebook and -the following is even more important- make it public. Attention is bound to be yours.
• Another Facebook move - Put up pics of your better half and you and as a caption, have "♥ you 4eva". WORKS!
• If you ever get a phone call from your "soul mate", smile at the screen and say I'll just be back to your friends, and before you leave hearing radius, pick up and start talking.
  

These are just off the top of my head. Oh and another thing - go kill yourselves. Or at least, get a room!