Games People Play

Office is boring. Seriously. Most of my work involves waiting. Waiting for a superior to criticize my work. Waiting for lunch time to arrive. Waiting for the distraction that will occupy my team giving me the chance to escape. You get the idea! So, creative people like me find ways to pass time in office. Like:

• How many soggy Monaco biscuits can I pick up in a single draw?
  This game gets me nostalgic, teary-eyed and bad-mouthed because it reminds me of 'The Claw' game in cheesy arcades. I have never ever won anything from that game. That sucker must have swallowed half my pocket money(and my pocket money wasn't much to begin with). At least at office, these expired biscuits are for free.





• Staring at the one hot girl who is on your floor(yay)
  Thank God for small miracles. And by that I mean mini-skirts. Because let me tell you, this girl is hot. Even the women in my office cannot keep their eyes off of her. Yes, when she passes by I feel like I am choking to death because she smells like she took bath with perfume in a bathroom full of scented candles and used a towel made of rose petals, but the view compensates for it.
  Of course it is kinda awkward when your male teammate's eyes and your eyes follow Hot Girl. And unfortunately, your eyes meet and both of you are calling each other "PERVERT" in your mind. I imagine this is how guys feel about making eye contact at urinals.




•  Stalk. Stalk. Stalk. And then stalk some more.
  Stalkers these days really have it easy, I tell you. Facebook has made things so much easier.
  No more following the person around all day to know what they're doing. Your Object Of Desire(OOD) might just check in to watch Twilight:Breaking Dawn with a caption like "Team Edward xoxo"(if you still like her after all this, you suck. Geddit? Geddit? Ah forget it!).
  No more hiding in bushes to see your OOD sleeping. Her Facebook profile picture collection is enough. Who looks good when they're sleeping, anyway?




• Tab switching.
  This should just speak for itself. You can do whatever shit you want in office, as long as you don't get caught. The secret here is reflexes. Also the thumb rule is:
  
  If you want to check out Mitchell Johnson's abs,
  Make sure you have other Wikipedia/Google tabs.
  
  Pretty simple, innit? Discretion is advised in office. And you don't want your manager staring at you staring at that ripped stomach. Droooooooooooooooooooooool.

Slip ups

You know what a foot in the mouth situation is, don't you? It happens when you say or do something extremely stupid and then you realize it a minute later when you see the amused/shocked expressions on people's faces around you and then you just go on to make it worse. Well, yours truly(and my friends around me too) have been involved in many such situations. A small compilation for you to laugh at our expense!

Note: These friends haven't been notified that I am writing this stuff. So I am using initials, like I always do.

1)
Where: Rockfort Train -Trichy to Chennai
When: College, 1st year
Who: Yours Truly
What: I always wake up an hour before the train reaches the destination. You know, what with my luck with travel I figured it would be better not to wake up in the middle of the jungle and have Demento...oh that's a whole other story. Anyways, there I am sleeping and I wake up the entire compartment with my alarm. I decide to take a quick nap. Well, needless to say when I wake up I see "Mambalam" pulling away.
I grab my suitcases and go to the door and see this guy framing the door and trying to give some hero pose. I tell him to move. And he says the train's moving. So I say "DUH! Get out and help me get my luggage down!". And after muttering "Loosu. Paityam." a million times he gets off and starts running along the train. And I threw my suitcases at him. He gets in and tells me I am mad(not a new discovery, buddy). I stood there figuring out at what speed and how long I should run after I jump out the train(Physics genius, man). So I jumped.
One small hiccup...I forgot which direction to run in. I end up running in the direction opposite to the motion of the train and I fell flat on my face. And my uncle who was supposed to pick me up along with half of Chennai were there to see me sprawled spread-eagled kissing the platform. Bummer.


2)
Where: Karate Class
When: College, 2nd year
Who: R, my very close friend
What: This senior guy's teaching us some kicks, right. And he goes on to teach us the groin kick. The barn was really noisy so we couldn't really hear but once he started showing us the kick, we *ahem* knew what it was called. But not R. Nooooooo! The following conversation ensued and I swear to God it's the funniest thing I have ever heard.
R: What is it called?
S(Senior guy): Umm groin kick.
R: Oh row-end kick?(I know. I have no idea how she heard that.)
S: Yes yes groin kick.
R: So the direction of force of the kick is upwards?
S: *Getting increasingly uncomfortable at this point* Yes yes.
R: So it's used to push IT up?
All of us were like "R, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DIGGING YOUR OWN GRAVE?! SHUT UP!"
S: Uh yes it is to push it up(looking at the ceiling, floor, anywhere where we girls weren't there)
Needless to say, when we later told R what the name of the kick was, she was suicidal. It was funny for us though :P

3)
Where: My room
When: College, 2nd year
Who: Yours truly
What: You thought that only Apple users have difficulty in typing because of auto-correct? Nokia should feature in that list too, I tell you. We were giddy with power in 2nd year because we could rag juniors now. We weren't the lowest layer of scum anymore..yay! But I took ragging to another level. I was just messaging some junior girl(forgot who...but whoever it is, she must be scarred for life) to ask her to come to my room. So I type "Hey, come to my room."(I know..I'm so awesome I use commas and fullstops while typing) and I send it.
A little background information about me before I go on. People think I am gay. People call me Gay. Guess it's convenient since my name is Gaya and all. So this point is twice as funny. Moving on.
Little did I know that I had pressed the button below the one that contains the letter H. So in the end, the message read "Sex, come to my room.". I think that day I gave the word "ragging" a whole new dimension.

I'm in a relationship

Yes, people. I am in a relationship. And it sucks. Why are people so desperate to get committed, I say? Idiots all these people. And now I am one of them.
Oh you wanna know his name? Sure sure. His name is WORK. Though I do call him pain in the ass affectionately. The similarities between a boyfriend and work are striking.

• So, initially work was awesome. That is, I hardly had any. What I had was Freedom. To do what I want, when I want, how I want. Yes, in between I had to pretend like I knew stuff and read a few links here and there to impress but no huge ramifications came out of it.
  I am guessing this is what they call the honeymoon period in relationships, eh?


• Then, the whole jealous phase started. Trying to draw me away from my friends so that I pay more attention to pain in the ass. Setting "deadlines". Taking top priority by reminding me that he is the one who pays for my food.


• Getting me to question my life style.
  - Do you really think drinking that is a good idea?
  - Night show? Will you be able to wake up in time?
  - You cannot go home so soon. Important meeting. Muhahaha.

And many other similarities which I cannot remember right now because I am so bugged with pain in the ass. Of course, work does have its moments. Like this one time when I completed work before a deadline and I thought I was the next Mark Zuckerberg. Yeeeeeaaaaaah, that feeling didn't last long. Here I am before another deadline, writing rather than working because I have no idea what the frick I am working on. Now, isn't that just sad? The only thing making this worthwhile? It's the Ka-Ching. Yeah, I am such a sellout.

P.S.: Murphy's Law's favourite victim is me! I swear. The other day I was watching Eminem's Superman video. Which is probably the worst video to watch when you're in office. EVER. And suddenly I hear my manager's voice so I close the Mozilla window. Phew crisis averted. Or not. Because just then my manager looks at my laptop. And I turned to my laptop and see Eminem mounting the stupid blonde. And a pop-up from Mozilla asking me if I am sure if I want to close all 6 tabs. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

What We Say, What Parents Hear

In case, my parents are reading this: Love you :) :P

1. I am going out with my friends.
   And by friends, of course I mean, lots of boys. So please keep calling every ten minutes.
   
2. There's this guy in my office.
   And the fact that I disclosed the gender, obviously means I am going to marry him very soon. Oh and he isn't even TamBrahm. How's that for rubbing it in, huh?
   
3. Today was such a bad day at office. I just want to stop working.
   Take. Horoscope. Now!
   
4. I'm feeling quite hungry.
   Means I did not have breakfast, lunch and dinner.Don't even think about the most logical reason: I have the appetite of a woolly mammoth. No way, Jose!
   
5. How is she pregnant so soon? She got married less than a year back!
   Don't mistake this as a rhetorical question. I really want to hear you say "You're too small to know such things" to your 22-year old daughter!
   
   
6. I was just watching a scary movie. But it wasn't scary at all.
   Although secretly it was. So scary that now I want you to tell me to pray to God, put Vibhuthi on my forehead, drink warm milk before sleeping and keep chanting Ram Ram.
   
   
7. I got my salary today.
   And I finished spending all of it today.
   
8. Oh my god, Ranbir Kapoor is so hot!
   Please tell me about how he must have slept with a 1000 girls. Yes, that will change my mind. After all, that is what girls look for when they fantasize about hot guys. Gayness Decency.
   
   
9. Ah I have nothing to do. Just relaxing at home during the weekend.
   
   I feel so lonely. Could you please call everyone you know in my city and tell them I am coming to visit even though it takes me 2 hours to just get there? You already did that? Gee, thanks mom!
   
10. *No answer on the phone*
    I am extremely angry with you. No, I am dying. Oh wait wait, I am dead already!
    
    

How to make a Ra.One

Well, Ra.One has raked in the big bucks. And I mean BIG bucks all over the world. This movie has brought Bollywood "on par" with Hollywood - now isn't that what we want?
Anyhoo, considering that there are many horrible movies coming up in Bollywood(think Himesh Reshammiya's/Akshay Kumar's upcoming ventures), I decided to rescue the fate of Bollywood, G.One style! I have the foolproof recipe to prepare a blockbuster. Film makers, take notice!

Ingredients

• 1 Hero - And I am talking about a manly hero, through and through. In the real sense of the word, you know. With shaped eyebrows, botoxed skin, make-up to cover the wrinkles, and last but not the least, a 6-pack. Because a hero isn't a hero till his stomach looks like a Hershey's chocolate bar
  
  
• 1 Heroine - Buxom, should smile and shy away quite a bit, has a slight hint of ambition but gives it all up to support the hero, should dance and sing AND drop clothes(in a foreign location) when a song comes on
  
• 1 Villain - Should be bald and have a better body than the hero, should have tattoos or piercings(because nothing else effectively screams bad guy), should kidnap someone close to hero
  
• 1 Rich Guy - Should have straight hair, should wear suits(preferably with colours and materials such aluminium foil and animal prints), should have sold his soul to the devil. This character can also be combined with the villain's character sometimes
  
• 1 Kid - Should have the illusion of innocence. Note how I say illusion here. He can openly cuss, insult elders, etc. as long as his height is under 5 feet and he drinks Horlicks in the morning
  
• A Pinch of Racist Humour - Where will Bollywood go with this kind of humour? The answer is: It will go places. Seriously, just throw in an over-enthusiastic, overweight Punjaabi/a Tamilian(or Mallu or Telugu...doesn't matter. In the end, we are all Madrasis anyway) saying Aiyyo before and after every word/an Assamese being mistaken for a foreigner and you are set to go
  
• 1 Item Song - It doesn't even have to be that good. Just make sure everyone in the song covers only 10% of their body and the heroine's face is stuck mid-orgasm. That is all.
  
• Absolutely No Logic - Everyone knows that when watching Bollywood films, they should leave their brains at home. So don't waste logic on the Indian audience.
  
• Guest Appearances to Taste - Depends on how much you can afford. See the way in Ra.One Piggy Chops, dressed very tastefully I may add, screamed in ecstasy "Oh Yeah", "Oooh you are the king", "Come on"(porno much!?!)...if you want something like that, you'll pretty much need to sell your house and throw in a kidney or two
  
• Over-the-freaking-top-acting - Guaranteed Filmfare
  
• Some Hollywood Technician - Seriously, this will work wonders. Get a tea boy from Hollywood and in an interview say, "Mr. Howard Poopie-pants, a revered technician from Hollywood is also part of our team. He has interacted with Hollywood stars like Johnny Depp on the sets of POC!". Add a few Wikipedia articles about Mr. Howard Poopie-pants and you're done!
  
  
  And our main ingredient,
  
• Marketing - Put up posters of your film everywhere. Don't even leave out the public urinals. Android phones era, right? Create an app for your film. Smell someone's underwear. Endorse for the nariyal paani wala near your house. Sell yourself on the eBay. Whatever it takes to get people into the theater.

Just throw the above into a blender and Voila! The blockbuster of the year is ready to bash in the audience's skulls and make them want to kill themselves!!

He Who Must Not Write A.K.A. Chetan Bhagat

So, Revolution 2020 has come out. It's total bullshit. I haven't read it, of course. I have learnt my lesson after his other books. Take a look below.

So I know I should not waste 84 Rupees on Revolution 2020.

I thought that I had company when it came to hating India's most "loved" author. And I picked up that adjective from his website. So when I come across articles like these, it disturbs me. Let me clear the air shrouding the Chetan Bhagat success a little.

(The statements in bold are more or less borrowed from the article I have linked to)

His books sell lakhs of copies.

I remember crying myself to sleep after watching the movie Ready. Salman's histronics, Asin's blotchy face and the other motley characters dancing to the tunes of Salman made me suicidal. What's worse? Ready broke all box-office records. Which were in turn broken by Bodyguard. Which were in turn broken by Ra.One(I am not even going to link you to the Ra.One trailer. It has had enough promotion!). Do you see where I am going with this?

CB's books are the same.

His style of writing is indeed simple with minimum use of vocabulary.

Simple writing and minimum use of vocabulary, I can deal with. But when I read any sentence written by CB, I feel like taking a Basilisk Fang and shoving it into the book. He just uses a combination of IIT-IIM lin

go, "Indianisms", Hari/Arvind/Rahul(like Tom/Dick/Harry), verbs and connectors(like and,or,etc.). Anyone can write like him. Hari asked for a Paratha free of charge(Indianism) at dhaba(lingo) -> See?

People are able to relate to characters from his novels.

I have never been able to relate to any of the female characters in his books. Is it because they have no personality and they are poorly developed? And when I say poorly developed I mean character-wise, not looks-wise. Because his description pertaining to the physical aspects of the girl is a mind-blowing summary of what Indian men look for in women. So,

CB heroine = Fair skin + Long hair + 36-24-36 42-24-36 + Conservative outside, progressive inside + H-U-G-E libido + half-cooked backstory + crazy as shit

And how about the male characters? We have of course:
1) The Over-achiever who makes Edward Cullen look like the dirt under his shoes.
2) The Village Idiot.
3) The hero who is slightly over-weight, has no balls at all and gets the girl(though why the girl goes for him when we have Edward Cullen in the equation is totally unknown to me)

Yet his books inspire, give us hope and teach us to take risks.

True. They inspire other Indian authors to write books that should be used to start bonfires. They give hope to anyone who can string a sentence with a few words to believe that they can be authors. And they have taught people like me to take risks and buy one more CB book. Atleast I can use them as paper weights.

Funny Story: The other day, my friend and I are walking down the street and she was telling me that she wanted to read Revolution 2020. Although I did want to terminate my friendship with her at that point, I smiled and pointed towards a man who was sitting near a bedsheet laden with Revolution 2020s and other books.

Me: Bhaiyya, kitna?
Bhaiyya: 120.
Me(to my friend): Hah. We can get it for 84 Rupees on Flipkart. Come.
The man starts shouting while we walk away.
Bhaiyya: Madam, 100 mein lelo.
No response.
Bhaiyya: Achcha, 80.
No response.
Bhaiyya: 50!
No response.
Bhaiyya: Achcha Madam, 20 Rupees mein tho lelo.
We burst out laughing!

A-B-C(Part 4)

Here is the fourth and final part in my A-B-C series. Do read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 before you proceed. Hope you enjoy reading as much as I did writing :)

SJB: SJB or Silver Jubilee Hall(I know I know...the acronym doesn't make sense if it's Hall but that's how we roll)...many evenings were spent in this place. Almost all clubs would hold meetings here. Hardly any work would be done though! You could always hear giggles from Tamizh Mandram, scary techie terms from RMI, some lecture from E-cell, and a whole lot of sarcasm from the Writers' Circle. This boring concrete structure would transform into a lively venue by evening, giving the Barn competition at times.

P.S.: The abundance of bushes and insufficient lighting in front made it a popular lovers' spot.

Trichy: This series would be incomplete if I didn't mention the city that welcomed young, pure, pampered souls like us and spat out slightly older, "experienced" survivors. We didn't just have tests on technical subjects. The city, Trichy herself was an endurance test for us.

• Can you survive a 9 to 5 power cut on a Sunday when the temperature is lingering in the 40 degree range? 
• Will you take the risk of eating in Maghai(the best place for jalebis and other north-Indian delicacies) when you know very well that you will end up with food poisoning?
• Can you survive the Elephant's Kiss(the craziest cocktail served by Wild West, a cowboy theme bar in, that's right, Trichy!)?
• Will you travel all the way to Meridien just for a measly cheese omelette or Sangam for the much-celebrated Sangam breakfast(the round trip is about 5-6 hours+Trichy heat will kill you)?
• Are you ready to travel to the Rockfort temple and climb the never-ending stairs just to get a glimpse of the idol for a split second? (You promised you'd go if you passed in the lab exam.)

By the end of the first year, the answer to all these questions will be an arrogant "Yes"!

Uprisings: We had a million of them. Against the mess food, against the admin, against particular members of particular gangs, against professors, against wardens, against boys. Before the uprising begins, you have the best feeling in the world. It's anger mixed with the desire to do something. You convince other people to join. You rebel. And of course, you lose. There is the occasional win, here and there though.

Vasantham: Who wouldn't miss this temple of good food? It cropped up in our third year, in a brilliant location. By then, everyone was bored of finding insects in their food(Buhari canteen), costly crap(Snacky) and insubstantial food(Icy/Juicy). And of course, messes. So people fell back on Vasantham. Cheap and good food served by akkas who flirted with the boys and scowled at the girls - that's the dream, isn't it? :P

P.S.: All is well with Vasantham. The only problem is its proximity to my department. So while I scoffed down vadas and bitched about how the microprocessor hated me and it was plotting my downfall, the lab attendant would be 2 metres away. Ah luck.

Walking/Winter: The evenings in Trichy were heavenly to say the least. Our campus was so huge. There was quite a bit of greenery so our campus stayed relatively cool compared to the rest of the city. And the climate would be perfect to take a long walk with just an iPod for company!
I also had to mention the winter season in Trichy. It's brilliant and if that was the weather allround the year I would never want to go back home.

Clearly, I didn't think this series through before I started. I had to think for quite a long time before I came up with:
Xerox shop: This is where the action is before CTs and exams. The class topper's notes would be stuck here for an entire week. Entire semester's portions would be inked over and over again. Chants of "Anna, exam tomorrow, please anna, fast anna" and "Anna, roll call anna, please copy now anna" would be screamt over rows of students. This was probably the most profitable shop in the campus.

Yearly fests: Like all colleges, we had cultural and technical fests. Festember was our cultural fest and I never worked for it because I decided that a fest like this deserved to be enjoyed. So instead of working for it, I spent my time walking around with my friends, attending all the events and tasting food at all the food stalls. It was awesome :)
Pragyan, our techfest was the total opposite. I thought to myself "Anyway I am not intelligent enough to actually participate or enjoy any event as such. Might as well help organize it!". My association was quite eventful. That's all I'll say!
And of course, my favourite Nittfest. It was the inter-departmental fest. Somehow, how much ever you bitch about your dept when Nittfest time comes, all is forgotten and everyone will defend the honour of their dept. Our dept enjoyed working and though we were competitive, we never let it come in the way of us having fun. In fact, the farther we were from the trophy the more fun we had.

Zoo: Our campus has two zoos - one in the Lecture Hall Complex or CLC and one outside it. The one in CLC was full of artificial animals scattered in the lawn. It was pretty funny, the variety of animals we had. Deer, Peacocks, Monkeys and even a few Penguins. Penguins in South India! After a few unfortunate graffiti exhibits on these animals, students were fined for even looking at them. I know.
The one outside was more realistic, keeping in sync with the climate and all. We had cows all over the place. In the Shopping Centre, in the hostels, in the basketball ground...hell, this one time a guy found a cow sitting in his room! We also had dogs, cats, rats(the one in Opal was called Ernie), frogs and other insects. So if you are ever in your room alone, you can be sure that there will be a few insects to give you company!

P.S.: We constantly complained about the cows in the SC. Finally some action was taken and they decided to build metal dividers so that the cows cannot enter. The best part? They actually did put up those metal dividers. The worst part? The distance between any two metal dividers is the width of one cow. I know. Genius.

NITT - for all the good and bad times, you shall be missed!

Beauty

P.S.: No funnies here. This is a serious one. Hope you like it!

It was late in the morning. She stood in front of the mirror. The car was downstairs, waiting for her. She didn't care.

She was too busy admiring herself. Her jet-black hair, almond-shaped eyes, luscious lips and fantastic body had made her the envy of every woman and the desire of every man in town. And she knew it.

She picked up her toothbrush and began her routine, oblivious to the incessant honks.

---

It was a star-studded affair. She arrived fashionably late. Every head in the room turned, almost as if synchronized, when she entered the room. In her arm, she had another man. She never went out in the same dress or with the same man more than once.

She walked around the ballroom, moving effortlessly from one group to the other, talking about everything from politics to sport. That's the thing about her - she wasn't just a pretty face. She was a force to be reckoned with, on and off the catwalk.

Waiters swarmed around the room in careful, choreographed paths offering hors d'oeuvres to the guests. She picked up a few and began eating. People around her asked her how she could afford to eat when she was a top model. She gave a silvery laugh and continued to eat.

---

It was late in the night. She stood in front of the mirror. Her date was on the bed, waiting for her. She didn't care.

She took a deep breath and noticed that her stomach was slightly convex. No problem, that could be taken care of.

She picked up her toothbrush and stuck in down her throat.

Friday

Sing to the tune of Rebecca Black's Friday :P


[Morning Verse]

(Aiyoo, Yaaaaaaawnnn)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah *knock*
Yeah, yeah *knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock*
Yeah-ah-ah *knock knock knock*
Yeah, yeah, yeah I am AWAKE

7am, waking up in the morning
Opening the door for the maid,
Sleeping a little more till the alarm goes crazy,
Gonna get late again, Gonna get stuck in traffic,
Gotta take a bath in the freezing cold water,
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see the conductor (The conductor)

Flatulent lady in the front seat
Lecherous man in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?


[Chorus]

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta go Chennai on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ outta office early on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin’ (No)
Sleepin', sleepin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend


[Evening Verse]

3:45, packing up my bag
Cruisin’ so fast, my colleagues don't see me
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
Making hurried plans,
My friend is by my right
We are running around,
Thinking where to go

280 rupees for Chocolate Daiquri
330 rupees for Apple Daiquiri
Gotta make my mind up
Which one can I take?


[Chorus]

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get sloshed on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ totally out on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

P.S.: I was really bored.

Ero*ica

She stands last in the line,
Unassuming, looking so damn fine,
No one else gives her a look-see,
And so by default, she belonged to me.

I walked up to her, feeling quite unsure,
What if she turned out to be a big bore?
I picked her up and we went to a quiet place,
I could not stop staring at her face.

She looked pristine, brittle and mellow,
Dressed in white and a subtle yellow,
With specks of black here and there,
I had to handle her with tender care.

I dared to slowly caress her,
She liked it, she did not deter,
Her soft exterior blew my mind,
Her body took shapes, undefined.

And as I bent down to take a taste,
My inane thoughts were replaced,
And I knew there was only one thing to do,
Scream out in ecstasy, "Pongal, I love you"!

P.S.: Pongal is an extremely delicious rice preparation. No one really likes it because it is over-shadowed by popular dishes such as dosa or vada. Although after reading something so weird, I don't think anyone would ever want to eat pongal again...ever :P
Btw my love affair with pongal began in college. And I still love it.

The Housewife

Quiz: Are you a housewife?

• You are taking a casual stroll in the local supermarket and you see that potatoes are 30 Rupees/kilo. You:
  
  
  1. Push away at least 3 aunties, grab the plastic bag and start selecting spuds in a manner similar to the guy at the beginning of the 300 spoof selecting babies. 
  2. Meh. You can get them later. You don't want to stand behind that weird female who ran towards them like the wind anyways.
  
  
• Your friends make a plan to watch Mere Brother Ki Dulhan and then go out for a pizza. When they invite you, you:
  
  
  1. Ditch them. You don't want to watch Imran Khan on screen and drool because it makes you feel like a pedophile. And pizza has become boring. Besides, you're in the mood for Upma and 90210.
  2. Wish that the movie was in 3D. You also skimp on the popcorn so that you can properly hog the pizza.
  
  
• You pick up a plate from the shelf and you see that the servant has missed a spot. How do you react?
  
  
  1. Wash last night's curry off the plate using half a Vim bar, obsess over it for hours and think of having a talk with the servant(and then chuck it. What if the servant gets angry and leaves the job? Where are you going to find another servant? The horror!).
  2. What spot?
  
  
• You enter the mall and you head off to:
  
  
  1. More/Nilgiris/Any departmental store of course! They have a big sale and you had brought along your Sodexos!! Best day ever!!! Too many exclamation marks!!!!
  2. CCD.
  
  
• There are some old newspapers lying around the house. You:
  
  
  1. Paper your shelves with them and keep the rest for spreading on the table while eating. That way you won't have debris lying on the table. Pretty smart, huh?
  2. Throw them. Or let them be. It's not like they're bothering you. Whatevs.


• Are you actually taking this quiz?
  
  
  1. Yes.
  2. No.

If you selected:
Mostly 1s: You are a true blue housewife. Go now...your sambar is bubbling on the stove.
Mostly 2s: Congrats! You still have a life! Unlike the author of this piece, who incidentally chose only 1s.

Life Relearned in Bangalore

You might have guessed by now that I am a software engineer. Which means I stay in Bangalore. It has been 3 months since I landed here and I have learned a few things, mostly useless ones, about this place.

1. You know how a footpath says to you, "Come hither, pedestrian! Thou shall be safe with me."? Well, in Bangalore it says "GET OFF!!! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!!!" because motor cycles, bikes and pretty much anything with two wheels+enough  horsepower to kill you will share the footpath with you. So you're safer walking on the road. The traffic never moves here anyways.
   
   
2. Auto drivers are extremely talkative here. This one driver looked at the poster of the movie Force and asked me if John Abraham goes to the gym regularly. Another one asked me if I was on Facebook, where I was from, which area in Chennai, my flat number, and which flat from the adjacent building provided a clear view of me sleeping. Well not the last one, but you get the idea.
   
   
3. The South Indian fare here is extremely different from Tamilian food. For one thing, their sambar can easily be confused with a sweet dish. The different kinds of chutneys available here are white, white, and white. Did I mention white? And their dosas are minuscule. I could pack two of those in a single Ghee Roast from Saravana Bhavan.
   P.S.: Did you know that dosas were invented in Karnataka? Well if they invented it, Tamil Nadu made it better.
   
   
4. My call register has only one number: Amma. My greetings have changed from "Hi" to:
   
   • How do you make sambar rice?
   • Are you sure I cannot put potato in this also?
   • It tastes horrible, Amma!
   
   
5. Wherever I go, I increase the AQ(Aunty Quotient) of that place. Because the girls here are extremely hot. I myself cannot stop staring so I cannot blame the male population of Bangalore for being open-mouthed most of the time.
   P.S.: Recently when I was on the train, there was one kid in my compartment. His finger was permanently stuck in his nose. And then he comes up to me, keeps his hand on my dress and calls me Aunty. I stopped myself from throwing him off the train.
   
   
6. Although I love stepping into puddles, I have stopped doing that with the puddle right in front of my building. The owner downstairs has a dog. And that puddle, I realized, might not be water.

School

My sound sleep was interrupted by my father's incessant attempts to wake me. Mother was in the kitchen making breakfast.

I heard mother screaming. It was time to wake up. I was getting late to go to the school. Father would be angry if I was late once more.

Mother kept pushing food down my throat. I threw a huge tantrum when I saw the amount of milk she had kept. My little brother and I fought over who got the smaller glass.

I watched mother divide the bread into unequal pieces. I wound up getting the smallest one. I ate it hungrily.

While I was taking a shower in the bathroom, mother was screaming because the bus was due to arrive any minute. I hastily stepped out and wore my ironed uniform.

I tried wiping the chutney stain off my dress. The water flow had reduced to just a trickle today. I hastily washed my face and hands, scared that the tap would shut off altogether.

Father stood with me at the bus stop and advised me about picking up my grades. I nodded and waited impatiently for the bus to come.

I heard father wake up from his drunken stupor. I grabbed my bag and ran out before he could see me. The last time I was late, I had my leg broken.

I got the window seat today, luckily. I sat beside my friend and we chatted nonstop about the copious amount of homework being doled out by the new teacher.

It was a long walk to school. I trudged along. My bag was unusually heavy today and the straps were cutting into my shoulders. Mother must have packed some more food today.

I waited impatiently for recess. There is only so much scribbling and passing chits one can do before mindless hunger takes over. I wanted to go to the stall outside and eat that divine green chutney sandwich. Mother had even given extra money today.

I reached the school just before lunch time. I set up the stall and waited for the bell to ring.

The Big Five Oh!

This is my 50th post at The Pursuit Of Normalcy.

OMFG! I AM SUCH A BIG FAN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Could I please get an interview and a bite mark on my neck?
Interview? Ok. But bite mark...dude! Seriously?

ZOMG! This is the biggest day of my life! Tell me all about your blogging history, oh mighty one!
Shush mortal, shush! I have been blogging for about 4 years, although I seriously started blogging only since last year...I think the numbers prove that! It started of as something I wanted to do because everyone was doing it. But now it has become something much more. It has become an excuse to not work.

So what do you blog about, lovely lovey dove?
So many many things.

• I review useless movies such as Singham. Also, books that I cannot stand like the Twilight Saga. In fact, I started this blog with a review.
• I also write about my family. They're totally lovable. And crazy. Thank god they're crazy. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to write about life lessons such as Get Pregnant Before 25 Or DIE!, Movies Guaranteed To Make Your Parents Paranoid(more than they already are), and Wedding Drama.
• I write about my college life, crazy friends and of course a beautiful thing called love.

A to the MAZING! So your most popular posts are?
I have noticed people seem to like it when I am frustrated. No wonder posts like this and this became big hits.


Where else do you grace your amazing presence?
Everyone has their hobbies. And my latest one is photography. Check out the pictures here. They were all taken by me *collar-liftings* :)


Although I totally know the answer(and it is "Because I am awesome!!!" which you totally are), why should people continue reading your blog?
Well, I think I am somewhat funny. And other people seem to agree. This blog's readers have grown from 2 to a whooping 22. So thank you, readers. Thank you for reading the random scribblings of a maniac. Big louwes for you.

---

Is this interview over? Because I'd like the 100 bucks you promised me right about now.
Ahem.

Dear US Return,

Note: I am not generalizing people who return from the US. Just jotting down a few things because of some irritating people I have come across..

-> After staying in some kurukku sandhu(or gully) in India for over 20 years, it is just impossible that you speak with an accent. Because as far as I know, you couldn't speak English properly when you were here. So, who are you trying to fool? Oh and one more thing...the accent totally slips when you say "Anna, oru straaaang filter kaapi, chakra jaasthi".


-> Yes, India is crowded. That is how it was, is and will be(because India is where it's all happening). So stop asking us why. And stop complaining to us. We don't care. We have more important things to do rather than listen to an adult throwing tantrums.


-> You're not the only one who watches English movies/series. We do too. And yes, we understand the dialogues. And there's no need to be surprised. In fact, we're surprised that your favourite on-screen character has changed to Rachel of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. fame from Abhi of Kolangal "fame".


-> Stop walking around with Bisleri in your hands. And stop asking us if the water that we serve at our homes is mineral or not. We don't take water from the nearby gutter and keep it at our homes! Although if we knew you were visiting, we would've done exactly that.


-> If you don't want to eat food that street vendors sell, don't. We don't want to hear "Oh my gawd, is this place, like, hygienic?". We have insides made of iron. We can stomach anything. And maybe you don't remember, but we remember you eating like a pig at this very place(before you left for US) and lecherously staring at girls, saying "Machaan, antha sooper figura paaru da!".


-> Indian food is spicy, flavourful and divine. Whether it's the dosa, the pav bhaji, the dhokla, the aloo paratha, the samosa, the khara bath...I could go on forever. So stop ranting about how the food is too spicy. If that's the case, we will not take you to Grand Sweets for your customary have-to-buy-all-edible-things-there-before-I-go-to-US shopping spree.


-> Cows roam the street. They stand in the middle of the road and vehicles drive around them. Naturally, there will be few patches of cow dung here and there. So when you look at it, stop saying "Ewwww gross!". Walk around it. And yes, there are a few cockroaches too. Stop complaining about them. At least we don't have a cockroach named after our country, like the American Cockroach. And dogs will do it in the street. Don't ask us why. I know it's surprising, but we don't keep track of their mating seasons.

Yours Truly,
"We are like this only"

Squeals On Wheels

Dear readers, you will have to survive through a long winding conversation(I have thrown in a few jokes to make it interesting!) to get to the actual post. So bear with me.

HDFC lady(HL): I need address proof, Madam.
Me: Is the Bangalore house agreement fine?
HL: No. Permanent address proof, Madam.
Me: What about an Airtel bill?
HL: As long as it is a current bill, fine Madam.
Me: No, it's a telephone bill*Chuckle*!
HL: What Madam?
Me: I said it's a telepho...never mind. I have the bill for July.
HL: July, no. August only Madam.
Me: Okay. Can I scan and send it?
HL: No. Hard copy Madam. You need to sign on it. That's why.
Me: What if I sign on it and scan it to you and you take a colour printout? Huh? Huh? Won't that work?
HL: Actually it migh...no no. Hard copy only. Is it in your name?
Me: No. It's in my father's name.
HL: Sorry Madam. That won't work!
Me: But that is where I live too!
HL: What about driving license, Madam?

---

And my answer to her question was, is and always will be a vehement no. I shouldn't be allowed to touch a cycle, let alone a scooter or a car. My tragic affair with vehicles begins at:

Age 8 - Cycle

Guess who just had to take a spin around the park before going off to explore pavilions at Dubai Shopping Festival(Actually, with my dad the case is that we take a peek at the exterior of every other country's pavilion but venture in and explore only the Indian Pavilion. Rational arguments like "But Appa, we go to India every year! What's the point of going to the Indian pavilion?" would be dismissed)? 


My father grudgingly accompanied me to the park. I was still getting used to the absence of training wheels. So while I pedalled furiously, my father would hold the cycle and run. At one point, he left it and stood to watch.

He watched proudly as his daughter rode the cycle. He watched her turn her head and shout "Appaaaa!" for 10 seconds. And then he watched her hit the pavement, fly off the cycle and clash with a tree. Not just any tree, though. A palm tree, which quite frankly is the only kind of tree you'll get to see in the Gulf. Please make a note of the monster spikes that adorn the bark of the tree.

I did get hurt quite a bit. On the plus side though, I got a black eye. Super cool! For a month, I enjoyed the terror I caused amongst the kids in the neighbourhood.

Age 10 - Roller Skates

After some tantrum throwing(I am a quite spoiled), I got roller skates and we all went to the park to check it out. As I took baby steps in my skates, my brother(who was about 3) did the same next to me. So I caught his hand to help him walk. And all of the sudden, the stupid thing started running. And I fall and get a major sprain. No amount of begging would convince my dad that I actually got hurt. He made me walk to see if I was okay. I wasn't. In fact, it escalated to a dislocation.

On the plus side, I got to choose the colour of my cast(I chose red :P)!

Age 17-20 - Cycle

And life comes to a full circle again. If there was some sort of "NIT Book of Tiruchchirappalli Records", my name would be right against Largest Number of Accidents on a Cycle.

-> The first time I climbed onto a cycle in college, I couldn't get off it because I was scared to fall. So I had to throw the cycle down and step over it. What an elegant solution, I thought to myself. Little did I know, that there were spectators there.

-> I finally managed to relearn cycle riding. And then I decided "Hey why not put another innocent soul's life in jeopardy?". So I took one of my most lightweight friends "doubles" because we were late to class. We fell. She never asked me for doubles again.

-> As I was riding my cycle slowly and somewhat steadily, two guys sped past me. Suddenly, feminism took over(I'm crazy like that) and I entered into a race with two unknowing participants. Once I took over them, I turned my head around to give them this "Losers! Suckers!" look, I collided with another guy riding a cycle. I fell off, somersaulted on the road and just sat there and laughed because it was just so funny! Of course, it wasn't funny anymore when I had to pay for that guy's cycle's damages.

-> I was washing my cycle and I broke a nail. What!!! That counts as an accident too!

A-B-C(Part 3)

Ola! Do read Part 1 and Part 2 before you read any further!

Mess: I know...you must think I am mental. I miss the mess more than anything else. Everything other than eating used to take place...

-> Fighting with the akkas for more food
P.S.: The akkas were extremely smart. While serving chutney, they'd take a ladle-full, pour half back into the container and spread the remaining chutney on your plate so that it looks like a lot.
P.P.S.: I had this friend A who was amazing at fighting with the akkas. Once when the akka put 2 "barely there" cutlets on her plate, A slyly said "Akka, the cutlets are still visible...make sure you make them smaller next time". We all died laughing in the mess!

-> Talking
Everyone will be talking about everything under the sun. The best part? You can tune into as many conversations as you want and ultimately the entire table will end up discussing about something as trivial as the lack of gentlemen and the abundance of cow dung in the college.

-> "Under the table" deals
Sounds weird? It's simple. A likes Gobi and hates Paneer. B likes Paneer and hates Gobi. Exchange and voila! A has 2 Gobi. B has 2 Paneer. Sigh, Math should have been taught like that.


Night outs: Such an integral part of an engineer's life...this. Basically, you stay awake all night. My parents always asked me why I did night outs when there were 24 hrs in a day! The question is best answered by the following pie chart(Click on it to view the font!).

Outings: Trichy's close proximity to Kodai, Pondi, Coorg resulted in a lot of trips to these places. I still remember the time R and I went to Kodai on an impromptu trip. We were bored in hostel and we decided to just get up and go to Kodai. I still remember that weekend as one consisting of excessive good food, lots of chocolate, bike rides around the lake and fun!
And with R and S I went to Pondi. We sat on the beach for hours and watched the sunrise while hot chocolate provided warmth to our hands, providing amazing business to Choco La and talking nineteen to dozen!
Another noteworthy trip was with R and R to Coorg. Fighting with the waiters at Sangeethas, fighting with the guys in the train, laughing till our stomachs hurt...


Parties: I miss the late-night "parties" we had in hostel. Hurried transportation of breakable items, looking out for the warden, adjustment of light fixtures, setting up the music for the mood, lots of dancing and ultimately chugging, screaming, confessing, laughing, crying. Ah memories :P


Quadrangle: This strip of land was the one thing that was used by Opalites for all kinds of phony purposes. This is where girls would walk around and talk to their boyfriends/"just friend" all night. This is where we would give our friends The Placement Treatment. This is where we would regress and run around, chasing a friend. This is where we, as a batch, would assert our dominance during Opal week. This is where we'd fight with the warden to shift roll call. This is where it all happened :)



Ragging: I know people make a big deal of this, but my first year was so much fun because of ragging! Wacky seniors who gave us even wackier things to do made it an exciting experience. Showing emotion in a sine wave manner(you cry first and then gradually build up to a guffaw and then go back to crying...innovative huh?), proposing to random guys, sneaking(behind their backs) to go to the forbidden places, writing assignments for them, guessing names based on their faces...all part of the fun! Although I will add, I did not rag any juniors...at least not badly(I think the worst thing I have done is make a junior sing "Kabhi Kabhi Aditi" in English while dancing around like a snake). And even if I did, I always apologized profusely later :P

They grow up fast!

I have a brother who is 7 years younger than me. However, according to my mom our mental age is pretty much the same. In fact, I might be a little more immature than him, you know. For example, whenever his friends call, I make it a point to scream "Ooooh is that your girlfriend?" or "{Insert bro's name - I cannot defame him in public, you see}, that girl you met yesterday is calling for you on the other line"! Or when he orders a dish in the hotel, I always keep "tasting" food from his plate. Or when he is watching TV/playing on his PSP/PS2(Spoiled much?), I just have to dance in front of the TV or close his eyes so as to block his view. Or when he is completing his record book, I ramble on and on about I am jobless and I am free to do whatever I want. I know, I am such an asshole :P


But one day, you realize that your baby brother isn't really a baby anymore. And it's kind of unsettling...this feeling. You know your younger brother is growing up when:

• He has a mobile phone
  Can you see the dabba phone above? That is my phone. It has a zillion scratches on it. It hangs more than a cool guy from the hood does with his homies. And its display is screwed up. My brother on the other hand has the phone pictured below. It's not just a phone, it's a smart phone. Pfft.
  
  
  
  
• He is part of the community "OMFG Megan Fox is so hot she must have been a part of the sun!!!!!" on Facebook
  I know, right? First of all, how did he even find this community? If he found it by searching for it, were the keywords a combination of the words Megan, Fox and Hot? Scary :|
  
  
• He runs to another room when he gets a message or callYep. Every. Single. Time. And he lowers his voice like he is a top secret government agent! But the best Facepalm I have ever witnessed happened to him the other day. My parents, my brother and me are waiting for the lift. And suddenly, he gets a call. As usual, he runs away saying(with fake irritation and actual expectation in his voice) "Oh my god...who is calling me now!?!". But by the time he could answer the phone, the caller cut the phone. And when he checks the missed calls list, it turns out my dad was calling him. Haha my dad's sense of humour rocks!
  
  
• You need him to retrieve things from the top shelf and not vice-versa
  He is so very tall! I think the last time I looked down at him was when he was in 7th grade! If human dominance could be asserted only on the basis of height, I'd be gone!
  
  
• He takes more time than you to get dressed
  I have written a small algorithm for your benefit.
  
  1. Start
  2. Comb hair till you are satisfied
  3. If outfit already chosen go to step 9. Else step 4.
  4. Choose an outfit
  5. Try on the outfit and stare at yourself in the mirror for 10 minutes
  6. Outfit sucks? Go back to step 3. Else go to step 7
  7. Happy? Awesome! Aww shucks now the hair's all messed up
  8. Go back to step 2
  9. Finish an entire bottle of Axe deodourant
  10. End
   

A-B-C(Part 2)

If haven't read Part 1 already, you can find it here.

Gossip: "Guess what X and Y are going out!", "What!?! They were canoodling outside the library?", "And then she puked all over your room? Gross!"...and many more! Who doesn't love mindless ramblings of no importance at all? They were exchanged in hushed whispers in the class and they always began with "Oh my god...I have to tell you something. But swear that you won't tell ANYONE!". After 2-3 days, you were sure to hear the same item from another friend!

P.S.: It's a misconception that only girls gossip. Guys do it too.


Hostel Life: Hostel was what made college infinitely better. Every room, corridor, terrace had a story to tell.
-> Late night chats on the stairs
-> Walking in the corridor and talking to every single person on the way till you remember that the tingling feeling is actually an indicator that you wanted to go to the bathroom an hour back
-> Telling ghost stories during power cuts and stifling a scream at the sight of a basketball on top of the cupboard(it looked like a cut-off head, okay!)
-> A cappella performances in the bathroom at 8:15 A.M. even though class begins at 8:30 A.M.
-> Locking yourself in while having Maggi so that no one smells the aroma
-> Reserving bathrooms by leaving a minuscule soap
And, last but not the least, stupid politics. Ah it was fun while it lasted and I still miss it :)


Icy(Ice-cream parlour): Kadalai and Gujaals place! Basically, major flirting used to take place there. There have been many incidents where I'd forget all about the chocolate ice-cream slowly inching its way down the cone just to fall on my sparkly white dress. Why? Because, I'd be staring(shamelessly, I admit) at the couple on the corner sharing one ice-cream. And they won't have spoons. Can it get more interesting than that?

P.S.: Yes, I am cheap.

P.P.S.: I came to know in my pre-final year that our Icy was actually called Mt. Zion!


Juicy: Yes I miss Juicy. I had my first taste of ragging there. I skipped meals to have juice there. We knew the prices by heart and the lady at the place(fondly christened "Juicy akka") knew our orders by heart! Easy on the pocket and the exact opposite on the stomach, this was the hangout for people frustrated from classes. We learnt a lot from this place. For example, tyres apart from being used in vehicles, can also be used to carry ice. And, never stand under the tube light, unless you want little black insects to have a swimming race in your juice. And, never listen to the little boy at the Juicy. He is one sly guy and he will do anything to sell you a juice.


Kaycees: Sometime during our third year, we came to know about Kaycees. It was 30 minutes away from our college. They had decent food. They had amazing juices. I know it doesn't sound very awesome. But here comes their selling point. They had beanbags! Beanbags, you guys! Do you know how rare those are in Trichy? What about Beanbags in an Air-Conditioned room? Kaycees FTW! Although I never got to sit in them because another NIT group would always be there. Always.

P.S.: Their french fries are the best in the world(even better than McDonalds'). Just ignore the flies fried with the fries(Hey, tongue twister!).


Library: Our uses for the library deteriorated and degraded with each passing year. In my first year(first semester rather), I used to go there to study. But I'd sleep off. So I took S along once. That was a disaster. We spotted this guy staring at us, so we gave him a horrendous time by staring back, pointing and laughing, making fun of his electric blue pants, etc. Good news: we stayed awake the whole time. Bad news: Turned out EBP(or Electric Blue Pants) was the lab guide for us that entire semester.
After that disaster we never went to the library. Slowly, the library became lonely but it was frequented by the not-so-lonely. Now, that library has morphed into IIM Trichy. A new library that looks like a cross between a temple and a castle came up right across the old one. But it just doesn't have the charm(read dimly lit areas) to pull in a crowd.

Part 3 is here!

A-B-C(Part 1)

I am a sentimental person. I get attached to things/people/places. So it surprised me that when we were leaving college, I cried for a grand total of 10 minutes. That is it. A guy later on told me that his friends and he had cried for 2 hours! And I thought to myself: Am I not sentimental about college? About my friends? About my experiences...that I could not cry for more than 10 minutes about them? Let me add here that I know crying isn't the definitive sign of sadness/sentimentality. But the thing is apart from those 10 minutes, I did not for a minute think about/reflect back upon my life in college. Till now that is. So I have decided to compile from A-Z the things I miss about not only NIT, but also the beautiful(I realize it now) city it was located in, Trichy.

Anna/Akka: Those were the magic words. You prefix or suffix them to any sentence and lo behold! Your word will be their command! So accustomed we all were to this word that when I went to Bombay once and I called an auto rickshaw driver Anna he responded with a spiteful "Anna hoga tera baap!"(Your father must be the big brother)...sorry, the meaning is really lost in translation!

Birthdays: Birthdays were celebrated in Opal(the girls' hostel) in a grand fashion. The friends of the birthday girl would go around the hostel inviting everyone to the terrace/stage. Cake would be stored in a room where the birthday girl would never venture. Once the clock strikes 12, cake would be transported hurriedly, matches would be begged for to light the candles, and the birthday girl would be lured to the venue using a phony excuse(In most cases, she WILL know about the party). The strength of the crowd at the celebration depends on the cake. Chocolate Truffle attracts everyone! And of course, once the cake cutting is done, if any cake is left, face-beautifying and hair-nourishing happens. Let's not forget the bumps as well. Close to 12 :30, one can see the birthday girl rushing to take a bath complaining about how she had washed her hair just that morning. With a smile on her face of course!

Class: I miss class. A lot. I miss walking in late to class. I miss sitting in class and passing chits. I miss pretending to take notes in class when the professor looks in my direction. I miss talking away to glory. I miss getting caught by the professor and back answering thus forcing said person to unceremoniously kick me out of class. I miss walking out of class, almost with a slight arrogance, after being kicked out. I miss slipping out of class(conspicuously I may add) when the professor enters. I miss concentrating and actually taking notes(spectacular ones I may add :P) in the very few classes where I actually respect and enjoy the professor's teachings.

Dhaba: The saviour! Bamboos was our(R's and my) favourite. We never experimented. Our order was always the same: 1 Gobi 65(copious amounts of Gobi fried to a crisp), Malai Kofta(spicy with real vegetables...not just stalks and stems and leaves like in the mess) and 8 parottas. With another clique, I used to go to D3. That was where I discovered the joy of kalakki(a messy egg preparation), aloo fry(the desi french fries!) and 90(a delightful concoction of Miranda, Pepsi and Mountain Dew along with some lime juice served in dirty glasses). And of course, the one and only time I went to Sam Fox and had two delightful dosas(the specialty) and chutney laced with insects thanks to the tube light right above our heads. Ah fun times!

Exams: I know it's a weird thing to miss but I miss it nonetheless! I never really prepared for them well unless I liked the subject/professor. I would fool around the entire day spending time making timetables to study. They would change every hour owing to me watching episode after episode of some sitcom. Let's put it this way - people came to me to feel better about how much they had studied. I will always be the last person to come in and the first person to go out of the exam hall. And my scale for grading my performance was "Two digit, good. One digit, bad."! I somehow got out of that with a degree...so yay me!

Friends: An indispensable addition to the list. I made so many friends. I can say proudly that I belonged to many cliques. There was of course R-my closest friend ever, a work of art like me. Another R who I loved and enjoyed with. And there was R, who is the complete opposite of me. I am surprised and I feel blessed to be her close friend! There was S and R who I became friends with later on. I became extremely close to S, who surprisingly was like a twin. And there was A, A, A, K and S. And there was crazy S and M(Haha sounds bad I know :D). Amazing friends and amazing moments with all of them...deep conversations about life, confessions after "parties", laughing for no reason at all, dissection of characters, friendly banter, heated arguments, silent treatments, reconciliations, movie nights, food weekends...the list goes on!

Since this post is going to be a long long one, I will come up with a Part 2 and Part 3 soon :)

Note: Part 2 and Part 3 is here!

Why I Love My Bag

Most of you already know how I have the worst experiences when it comes to travel. I have come across some messed up shit. Like this one time, I was trying to complete an assignment in the train. And this guy sleeping on the upper berth(I was on the lower berth) climbed down and sat on my berth. He started an intensive Q & A regarding Computer Science and all its wondrous sub-areas. He also threw in bonus information regarding his God-levelness in Networking and how even though I was an NITT-ian, I would never...(pause for effect)...ever be as good as him. After an hour he asked me if I would get up early to wake him up. I snorted. He got the point. He left. And he woke me up to say bye. Puke!

I have many more murky travel-related stories. And in all of them, all I do is stare really intensely at the person irritating me hoping against hope that the person gets the point. They usually do leave me alone once my one-word responses regress to curt nods. I recently came across an exception. Last weekend, I flew to Bombay. And I had an experience I can never forget.

I opted for an aisle seat as always. And sitting next to me was an extremely dirty "gawaar" guy. He looked like an Orkutiya...need I say more? And here's the kicker...his elbow was permanently in contact with my hand. Being a gawaar, he just could not grasp the fact that I wanted him to move his hand even though I kept adjusting my bag, and in the process, pushing away his hand. After about 20 minutes of relentless adjusting, I decided to just tell him to move. And for a minute there, he did.

I was so proud of myself. I was a daring female of the 21st century. I spoke my mind. Bollywood will make movies on me. I was...oh wait...his elbow was kneading my hand again. I had two options:

A. I could tell him to move his hand again.
B. I could just bear with it for another hour or so.

Being the fearless female that I am, I decided to go with option A. Sadly, option A was always followed by a minute of respite and then aforementioned hand kneading activity. This continued for a while and then finally the pilot (bless him) announced that the plane was going to land. However, my happiness was short lived as epic What-the-fuck-ness was about to ensue. The gawaar taps me on the hand and asks me if he can lean on my shoulder and sleep. I mustered the most disgusted expression I could, channeling the smell of good-curd-gone-bad, and said "Obviously Not!".

And then he actually leaned on my shoulder disregarding my response(and in addition grabbed my knee while landing). What happened next isn't an exaggeration or an imaginary event. In a split second, I grabbed my bag and beat the man. Not once, not twice, but eight times.

As soon as the plane landed I got up and ran to the flight attendant(who was quite cute by the way :P) who stood with me till the gawaar deplaned. And after my conversation with the flight attendant, I realized that I should have actually picked secret option C - Stop being a fearless female and just complain to the flight attendant. Bah.

Get Married, Get Pregnant, Get a life!

As Sarika was smoothing her hair furiously with both hands at 6 in the morning, her mother started screaming from the other room asking her to hurry up. And what was she doing at 6 in the morning? Going for a family function. Why are these functions always at ungodly hours! And let's not forget that Tamil Brahmins have as many functions as Paris Hilton's boyfriend count.

At the function

All Female Family Members(AFFM): "Aiyyo, look at you...you look SO plain! Why are you wearing such a plain shalwar? Moonji la powder kudi illa(you haven't slathered your face with powder in an attempt to look fair so that guys will notice you)."

S: "Oh thank you...nice to see you too."

AFFM: "Your neck and your hands? Cha cha onnumme illai(it's as bare as Winnie the Pooh). Where is the gold chain that your father bought for you?"

S: "I have no idea. Besides it is not my marriage. And I hate gold."

AFFM: *GASP*"How can you hate gold being a Tamilian ponnu? And you have to get married in one year...you should start collecting gold now!"

S: "Collect gold for what? Will the guy I marry be collecting gold for me?"

AFFM: "Ollaradhe(stop talking like the actor Vijay/Salman). You are the girl, you have to collect gold. And one year isn't enough time."

S: "I am NOT getting married in one year. I have just started working. I need to work atleast for 3 years. There's so much I have to do."

AFFM: *cue gasp again*"Wha...? That means you will be 25. THEN only you'll marry? Enna nee paati aayitu thaan kalyanum pannipaiya(you be too old, bitch)? All Tamil Brahmin, IIT-IIM, USA-green-card-holding, non-drinking, non-smoking boys will be taken."

S: "So?"

AFFM: "Enna so? 25 marriage means by the time you have a child you will be 26. Chi chi romba late(do it do it do it now)."

S: *silent but thinking. I will get married at 25. And give birth to a kid at 26. That leaves just 3 months for...*

AFFM: "...and he is so nice. In fact he is right here. You want to meet him? You know he has just finished engineering!"

S: "So have a million other guys. I'll go meeting all of them or what?"

AFFM: *turning a deaf year to Sarika*" See? See that boy standing there? He only. Puddichidha(like him)?"

S: "He looks as straight as a kurkure."

AFFM: "What?"

Note: Any resemblance to characters alive or dead, is purely co-incidental.

I KEEL YOU!

My friends, R and R, have come up with a name for my anti-friendly alter-ego...SK mode(Serial Killer Mode). The moment my forehead creases, my teeth clench and my eyes fixate, both the Rs sing "Gaya has gone to SK mode!!". And when SK mode takes over, I swear I KEEL YOU. When does SK mode take over exactly? Read on.

Note1: I KEEL YOU will be abbreviated to IKU.

Note2: This post is subject to additions!

1) If you call me "Sir" on the phone once more...IKU.

When I was 13, I called up this girl and her mom picked up. Instead of handing the phone over to L, she started asking L why a boy was calling and if I was her boyfriend. Once L explained that I was a girl, L, L's mother and I had a hearty laugh(or guffaw, in my case). At that time, it was downright hilarious. Now, it is plain bugging. It happened today with the Dominos guy on the phone(again).

Me: Hi I would like to place an order.

DG: Yes, sir. Can I have your name?

Me: Umm, I am a girl. My name is Gayathri.

DG: Ok, Mister Gayathri, what is your order?

Really? Mr. Gayathri? Asshole, have you ever met a man named GAYATHRI? And though I disclosed my gender before my name, you still called me MISTER GAYATHRI?

2) If you tell me about your love story/unrequited love, IKU.

What is it with people thinking I am even slightly interested in hearing their love stories? I have no inclination to listen to your pining and whining. Seriously, you shallow boy bitch, I am NOT interested in hearing about the girl you swear you're in "love" with though you hardly know her.

Note: This point doesn't apply to my friends. I love hearing about their love stories :)

3) If you(auto driver) demand more money than necessary...IKU.

This is dedicated to the auto drivers of Chennai. I have really come to appreciate this city but the one thing I hate is the auto driver. His excuses for charging exorbitant fares are unbelievable:

- "Night/Morning/Afternoon time ma" - then when is a good time to drive, pray tell me?

- "Petrol Price Hike ma" - Idiot. All over India there's a price hike and only you charge Rupees 10 extra per km?

- "One way ma. Suthi poonum" - Come on!!!

And you know what the worst part is? If they see you coming out of Sathyam/Express Avenue/any other mall, they charge even more. Fools!

4) If you send me a friend request without knowing me, IKU.

It's not even like I have a display pic of Hiedi Klum! My own stupid picture on Facebook still garners friend requests from sad people. I have put down few of the "gems" I received.

- Chat me - What?

- Hiiiiiiiiii. Your profile pic is very funny. Lollllllllzzz add me! - Ass, laugh at the pic and then get lost.

- Hai. Myself Mr. *****. I looking for frendship with nice, housely girl. You want to make frendship with me? - Mr. *****, learn English first.

Dad+Mom=?

You know how every child is in some way a combination of its parents? And I am not just talking about looks...I am talking about the personality. I guess along with their gene they also pass on their idiosyncrasies. So I was thinking, am I the Z to my parents' X and Y? And after careful analysis, I have come to the conclusion that I am nothing like them. If you are totally jobless then you can keep reading!

-> I am totally careless with money.

I am not spendthrift. There's a difference. I just don't know where my money is. Over the years, I have found money in places unimaginable. Wedged into the CD drive of my laptop, stashed away in small purses that I have millions of but have no idea about their whereabouts, pressed between books long forgotten - I have a knack. Appa, on the other hand, is an ultra-organized person who knows each and every note in his wallet - to the extent that when I once took out a 10 Dirham note from his wallet(with full intention of telling him later, really), he knew it was missing.

-> I do not study much.

Seriously I Don't. Of course, I study right before an exam. But people never believed me in school because of my marks(which were good at that time). Only my friends knew! In college, obviously people knew I didn't study...hostel after all! But my dad was, and still is a huge nerd. He has narrated stories of him studying under the streetlights when the power would go out for hours, coming state first in -some exam, I forgot :P -, studying his elder brother's notes as well as his own notes - I know, right!?! Well he tells these stories with the intention to inspire but I just end up thinking, "Wow...you are such a nerd" :P

-> I cannot cook.

Well I cannot cook well. I mean I know the bare minimum like toast, Maggi, tea and even those turn out to be burnt most of the time. But my parents are awesome at cooking. Amma can whip up a feast in a matter of minutes. And she has tried to teach me but I always dismiss her with an argument about how she wants me to learn cooking just because I am a girl, blah blah blah. Feminist statements FTW!

-> I suck at speaking any language other than English.

I am from Palakkad. So I speak Mallu-sounding Tamizh. Actually, I think it sounds quite okay. But my friends mistake me for a stand-up comedienne whenever I open my mouth and speak Tamizh. And when I speak Hindi, my friends think I sound like the female in this video. On the other hand, my mom speaks English, Tamizh, Hindi, Malayalam, Gujrati, Marathi and Punjabi with relative ease. Appa speaks English, Tamizh, Malayalam and limited Hindi(after every word he adds a 'Yaar'/'Bhai' which he pronounces as 'Bai').

A post longer than this is guaranteed boredom, so those of you who are still reading this line, thank you :)

Not-so-family Movies

The following situation would have occured to you atleast once: A chartbuster song starts flashing on Channel V/ M TV/ VH1. And as all videos nowadays have, how do I put this, bootylicious babes dressed in handkerchiefs. But hey, it's the song I want, not the girls. And then, louder than the song I hear something else. Footsteps..Parents Alert. Hurriedly, I reach for the remote and change the channel to something more appropriate. Atleast, with the TV, you've the option of changing channels...imagine sitting in a theatre, next to your parents, watching the same video, magnified gazillion times and all you can do is sheepishly look away. So I have painstakingly compiled a list of movies that put me through the above torture.


Side note before I begin: I didn't want to just start writing about the movie. I wanted to put up a picture of the movie first and THEN start writing about the movie. But my laptop is super slow. So I cannot even upload one microscopic thumbnail without my laptop seizing up. Oh yes you can ask me why we haven't got it looked at yet. My dad's response for that is "You're a computer engineer...you should know what is wrong with it!". Pfft...as if.

Chronologically ordered:

-> Titanic(1997)

I was born on a nice, rainy Thursday in the fine year of 1989. Which means I was in 4th grade when I went to watch Titanic(atleast I think I was). With my dear parents. And as much as I love them, which is a lot, I have to admit that they have the most annoying habit of staring at me(or my brother) when something uncomfortable comes on screen. So why I ask you, Rose...why did you have to lie naked with just the stupid blue rock on? Why did you have to do "stuff" in the misty misty car? I hate you, and I wish you had drowned instead of Jack. Ooooh Jack :D

-> Munnabhai M.B.B.S.(2003) - the one I bought from a dealer of pirated CDs

Confused? We got this CD...alright alright, the pirated copy. And so we are all laughing after the first half of the movie thinking, "Wow, this is wholesome entertainment for the entire family" and we put in the next CD. And it's not Munnabhai M.B.B.S. It is American Pie. And there are these female "cops" with all kinds of contraptions. Yeah, that was pretty disturbing.

-> Aitraaz(2004)

Akshay Kumar and Priyanka Chopra just had to get it on wherever and whenever they wanted to. And her dialogues have haunted me ever since. Yes it was pretty weird to have your mom watching you out of the corner of her eye while you are watching your mom out of the corner of your eye. Complex.

-> Salaam Namaste(2005)

Sometimes I dig my own grave. Guess who suggested we should go out as a family and watch this movie? Yes, it is me, the one and only. They're in a living relationship. I should have guessed before that there would be...umm...boinking! Although the highlight was when Preity was preggers and my brother asked me why her stomach was so big. I gracefully exchanged seats with him and switched him over to my mom.

-> Kambhakt Ishq(2009)

I loved Pammal K Sambandham. Not as much as Panchathanthiram or Chachi 420, but it still had pockets of humour. However, Kambhakt Ishq was just painful to watch. First, can someone explain to me how Kareena has the time to moonlight as a model when she is a med student? Second, Akshay Kumar. Third(yes my second point was just two words), the swimsuit scene, the songs, the skimpy outfits and the general eating-face scenes were plain annoying.

-> Saath Khoon Maaf(2011)

Yeah it is disturbing alright. Especially when you are sitting next to your mom and watching the movie. Priyanka Chopra should seriously kill herself for putting me through that torture.

How to show people you're in a relationship 101

Did you just get committed? Did you just find the love of your life? Did you just fall in true love for the 7th time? Well, congratulations you nail-filing, Edward-Cullen-loving, I-think-Taylor-Swift-rocks dumbass. Now that you're in "relationship" how exactly do you let your second cousin, twice removed's husband's mother's aunt know? This is where I come to your rescue. I have come up with a collection of tips just for you! Ready? Let the education begin!

• Walk together...in any dimly lit areas that you can find. Just like in the image below. This will force even disinterested people to linger.
  

• Walk together...in brightly lit public places and indulge in heavy PDA. Yes, it is extremely important that you do it!
• When someone walks by you, move away from your partner noticeably and look down or just ignore the other person.
  
• Girls, this one is for you. Situation: you're out with "your man" in a restaurant. What do you do? Answer: Do not eat...nibble/peck/say you're full after eating a noodle.
• Restaurant scene again - you could try eating from the same plate. That's a move guaranteed to nauseate.
• Write a note professing your love to your love on Facebook and -the following is even more important- make it public. Attention is bound to be yours.
• Another Facebook move - Put up pics of your better half and you and as a caption, have "♥ you 4eva". WORKS!
• If you ever get a phone call from your "soul mate", smile at the screen and say I'll just be back to your friends, and before you leave hearing radius, pick up and start talking.
  

These are just off the top of my head. Oh and another thing - go kill yourselves. Or at least, get a room!

The End

A stabbing pain
I cry in vain
The tears go unnoticed.

I am alone, more
than ever before
There is no one in sight.

I try and tell
But betrayal
Follows, looming dark.

Happiness ceases
Depression increases
No one knocks at my door.

My broken spirit
My life without merit
I have nothing to live for.

End it fast
I breathe my last
The world fades away.